A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents aren't divorced,I have always lived with them but I was raised by my grandmother therefore I don't have a good relationship with my parents,I'm not close to them.I know my mother loves me but I think my father doesn't love me because he is not an affectionate dad.He never hugs and never kisses me.He is a cold person,when I hug him he doesn't hug me back.The more I age the less affectionate he gets and it's weird I don't know why he does this,it's not because I'm 16 years old that I don't need my dad's affection.I remenber that when I was a child he used to hug me.Well,maybe he is not affectionate because he is shy.Me and my dad don't talk much to each other,whenever I'm alone with him there will be a deep silence.It seems that I don't need him for anything,whenever I have a problem,when I'm needing money or when I have to ask for permission to someone I ask for my mother because in my house both of my parents work but my mother makes more money than my father and also she is the boss here in my house everybody have to obey her.However,she is a tyrant.One of the things that makes me angry at my parents is that my father does everything that my mother orders,it's weird I've never seen a husband being so obedient to his wife but I've seen the opposite.In our society it's not normal to a husband always obey his wife.He acts like he really loves her,they have been married for a long time and they get along very well and for me this is weird too because I always see couples getting divoced including my friends' parents therefore I feel that my parents' relationsip is not normal.My dad is obedient to my mother and he always say that he thinks that mothers are sacred because they are the bearers of life,they are the ones that give birth and therefore they deserve to be highly respected.Whenever I'm shouting at my mum or when we are fighting my dad intrudes himfelf in the fight to defend my mum and to make me stop cursing her.My dad was abandoned by his father and by his mother and maybe is because of that that he is clingy to my mum.I think my dad has a mother complex.I''m sure he has a mother complex!!I'm serious,believe me: My dad loves my mother more than he loves his daughters!Yes,he does! I don't know what to do.Have you ever seen a dad who loves the wife(the mother of his daughters) more than he loves his daughters?Have you ever seen a husband who treat his wife so well?My family is not a normal family!! Help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): I am not with your opinion, sorry. I think your father has a great desire for sex which he probably fulfils only by your mother. " mothers are secred or bearer of life", these statements are either to conceal his weakness and to make you clear about the chastity of his soul or to please your mother always. It is not that your father loves you less than your mother. Love is sex to him. And as he is slave of passion, the love for your mother seems very bright. He has no doubt affection, sympathy, everything that all fathers bear for their children heartily. But these are only for you and not for him. He is verymuch aware of self-satisfaction.so to him, heart is not more faithful by which he can gain better. If I am not wrong, he is a miser in life. So my friend, dont be worry about it. Being a teenager you think your father is an exception. But it is not true. it is somewhat natural for a person to be passionate. O.K. Now I draw my conclution telling you that, keep faith about your parents love for you and if you think you have missed an ideal father, you should be more respectful for him in this reason of that, your mom luckily has got such an obidient or ideal husband. (If my opinion is wrong, I shall be verrrrrrrrrrry sad, forgive me then please.)
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (12 April 2010):
Hi there, I am married with 2 kids. Although I love my kids wholeheartedly my kids know that Dad is special to mum. In our house we know that mum lovvvvvveees Dad, it is a diffrent love from that of our kids. We do not neglect our kids but the kids know mum and dad have this special something.
My hb is also somewhat unaffectionate, he is not touchy feely with our teenage daughter and I think it has to do with her age, and respecting her now that she is a young woman. It is so hard to parent, sometimes we unintentionally hurt our kids by not displaying the appropriate behaviour. Have you tried speaking to them, just telling them that your needs as their child is not being met. Being a teenager is a difficult time and sometimes you may feel that the whole world is against you. I do not think your household/family is strange or abnormal, perhaps strained bec you cannot understand how/why both parents are behaving in the manner they are.
I am also (most of the times) unaffectionate, I come from a big family but I would never be caught dead telling sisters or brothers that I love them, or even hugging them. Does this mean that I do not love them, no, but I did not grow up with parents showing outward affection. I made a decision as I matured in my marriage to change this display of affectuon. I made it a choice to hug my kids more, to tell hb and kids that I love them and with the 3 of them I am affectionate openly but not with others. This is strange for so many of us to openly display affection- we internalise it yet are shy/embarressed to show it.
In your situation I read of a blessed person. Sometimes we only look at our cross not realising that the next person has a bigger cross to carry. Can I suggest something: I learnt this (but havn't been able to actively use this in my home)- someone suggested to me to have a family meeting every week/month. Sit and talk to each other. Talk abut what is hurting youn basically try opening up. And discuss your issues. The meeting must be done with respect by all concerned, no blaming but perhaps just sharing. It will be very difficult to start communicating especially if all are introverts and if they internalise everything. But it will be a start.
The other aunts have given you very good advice and I trust that they made sense. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you regarding my hb and kids and yes, I also get it wrong where my kids think i am unfair, not loving them enough, or even the parents being too unaffectionate. But parenting is so hard, I havn't read any of the set manuals but I know that there is nthing I wouldn't do to erase the pain and emotional upheaval my kids may be feeling. I made a decision to change when my kids were growing. I know I feel their love too.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 When a man and woman fall in love, their love to each other always comes first. The children are always secondary in a sense, meaning they must stay true to each other first in order to form the kind of parenting bond child-rearing requires. Your Dad may have always wanted a son, and since he has a daughter he just doesn't know how to relate to you. Now that you're older, it's even more weird because he's afraid any affection he gives you will be judged wrongly. Don't criticize your Dad for being a good husband. I wish my man was like that!! A woman should always seek out a man who treats her alike royalty. And P.S girls are usually closer to their Moms by nature. We relate better to each other because we speak the same language. When you are older, you will probably have a better relationship with your Dad.
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A
male
reader, shadowjin  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 I dont believe your father has a mom complex, its much deeper than that based on his past... I think your father is committed in staying married and being abandoned by both his parents might have affected him..
Im not exactly 100% sure but a mother complex is when a women or man mother other people children besides their own or might not have any kids. They are "just there" for people, are nice, understanding, perhaps rush around for them or wonder how there doing constantly. I think you mean mamas boy.. but that would mean he would have had to have had support from his mother.. (he was abandoned by both mom and dad).
I think your dad does love you, except hes more visually affectionate with your mom that it makes you believe that he loves her more than you. Especially when he steps in to stop the arguing but i believe hes trying to diffuse the situation before it escalates. I understand it pisses you off. (it has happened to me)
Since your grew up with your grandmother, im guessing you have a deeper connection to her and i believe you want a similar connection with your parents but mostly your dad. I understand its a strange situation to be in, you want a father daughter relationship but at the same time you want him to stand up to your mom and not be such a push over. Its hard to approach your dad and ask for a father daughter relationship and not be such a push over.
Based on your letter, you want your fathers attention since your mothers a tyrant... have you tried communicating with him? Asking him for his opinion or advice? Your dad might feel not needed since everyone goes to your mom. I think if you include your father in your life a little more he might start reacting better and open the line of communication or find something he and you both enjoy and spend some time with him. If your up to it ask him "dad i sometimes feel like your dont love me". Its not an easy thing to say but its better than not brining the issue to the table and hiding it. All that does is let it rear its ugly head in the future.
I come from a vary similar background except my father always did his own thing like as if he wasn't in a relationship with my mom or even with me (his son). This caused alot of problems. I found myself finding things to do with him, conversations, questions, opinions etc but my father is the opposite of your dad and it helped me. Ive come to understand that not everyones life is picture perfect, every family has problems, some worst than others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): There are different types of love. Romantic love, sibling love, mother/daughter and father/daughter love, friendship love etc. I'm sure he loves you; the love for his wife is different than the love for his daughters. You really need to understand that and accept that.
Your family does not sound abnormal at all. Of course your father is going to defend your mother, you are supposed to respect your parents. He sounds like a loyal and loving husband and father. This is what you want in a relationship. And there are plenty of fathers out there who are quiet around there daughters. If it bothers you that much try talking to him.
Either way, though. I think you are having some deep teenage, hormonal issues right now. So you need to to calm down and be glad you even have a family. One day you will realize how ridiculous your question sounded.
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