A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My father is from another country and is visiting me for the first time. He has never met any of my friends or in-laws etc so it will be the first time. However I am mortified about my father and the fact he embarrasses me constantly and I am so wary about him meeting people I know. He has bad manners and doesnt take care of himself, had bad hygiene etc. When eating he eats with his hands, burps out loud whilst eating, taking with his mouth wide open and full spitting food everywhere and makes a mess - today I had to stop him from licking the plate at a very classy restaurant. He doesnt see any problem putting across his ideas, beliefs etc which are extremely embarrassing and somewhat dated. He sees nothing wrong in stating his very racist points of views across to just about anyone etc. So he in general mortifies me and embarrasses me - pretty much everything about him. I really didnt want him to come but he really wanted to so I relented. Now some people would say I am ungrateful and call me a snub. And my dad loves me I know and I do have love for him.....and yes I know that everyone's parents embarrass them....but seriously I am not sure how to deal with it. I think I am going to go out of my mind during his stay! It is so depressing and frustating and I feel I dont want him to meet anyone I know and not sure how to deal with it. I tell him again and again about the things he does and how he can not act this way etc esp when out and meeting ppl; I argue with him all the time but still he just carries on in his way and he just wont ever change. I feel like I am going out of my mind; I feel like I can not even be around him! Please dont berate me and call me names or a snub....unless you are in my position you have no idea how this can be like! Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 July 2008):
 Eeek, this must be very difficult for you. Your father probably isn't going to change, so you can apologize for him in advance to your in-laws.
Spirit of Iona has some good practical suggestions that I think would be very helpful.
I know you've argued with him about this before, but maybe you need to think about what matters to him in order to get him to pay attention to what he says and how he manages his manners. It may be an idea to say that people in the UK look down on racist comments and the people who make them. That he will lose face if he persists in these comments, and will cause you shame.
If he's never looked after his own hygiene, there's probably not a lot you can do about that, other than give him a really big spritz of the strongest cologne you can find just before you go see people. Tell him that it's a present from you to him.
Tell him that table manners are different in the country he finds himself in, and again, people will think he's not an educated man if he doesn't respect the local customs.
Basically, try to find a way to convince him that his behavior will make him look like an ill-educated and backward man. From what you've reported though, he sounds VERY stubborn.
At the risk of hurting him deeply, you could tell your friends and in-laws that your father is in the early stages of senility and has forgotten most of his manners.
I would try the face-saving thing with him first though. He may be so intimidated by being in your new country for the first time that he falls back on behaving in a way that shows he has contempt for the cultural norms. Oh, maybe that's a tack you can take? That if he makes racist comments or burps or does the plate licking thing that he is demonstrating contempt for the country you live in and that you find it very upsetting?
Whoo boy. Sorry. That's all I've got for you.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, deejayz +, writes (23 July 2008):
You are now an adult, as is your father. You do not have to tolerate this. You have spoken to him nicely, from one adult to another, and he still doesn't seem to respect your opinions. I am sure he loves you, but he is thinking of you as a child, and refuses to "obey" you in any way, because he sees this as your job... he is just being perverse... You need to give him an ultimatum: either he makes an effort to appreciate and respect your life, as an individual, as an adult, or else you won't invite him around again. This should give him a wake-up call. I just don't see how he thinks he can get away with this behaviour... In fact, it seems like he is acting like the "child", and you are the more responsible adult-figure. He needs to grow up. Don't feel bad about "putting him in his place". If he has given you the confidence to do this, he has not been a totally awful parent! Tell him you love him, but, if he wants to be part of your adult life, he needs to behave as he would in front of any of his friends. Would his friends tolerate this? And even if they would - he does not have to be YOUR friend, just because he is your father... don't confuse roles here. If he is going to be an embarrassing father, he can't be your friend too. The choice is his. He needs to be an adult and make this choice for himself.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 July 2008):
Oh dear, you are in a bad situation. All you can really do is pre-warn people that your father is rude / racist / smelly and then hope he's not too bad.
Don't take him anywhere too fancy so he doesn't stand out too much. Try and keep the conversation about light things and stay away from politics etc.
As you say, everyone is embarrassed by their parents so hopefully they will understand that he is not a reflection on you.
If you can, avoid introducing him to as many people as possible.
Good Luck!! xx
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