A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like your advice on how to handle the following situation I have.I met a guy online in a chatroom. After being an online couple for a month, he came to visit me. He initially wanted to stay at my place as I was living by myself at the time, but I refused because although we've chatted online and talked on the phone, I felt I didn't know him THAT well. He ended up staying at his relative's which is about 20mins from my place. It worked out well and we went out on dates during the two weeks he was here. I didn't introduce him to my family as I felt it was still early on in our relationship. I did however, tell my mom about him.The second time he visited, was about 2 months after the first visit. At that time my aunt and her kids had moved in to live with me due to some family issues she was having. I told him it would not be convenient for him to stay at my place and share a room with me because our family is very traditional and my aunt has two elementary school kids. He understood and stayed at his relative's again. But he had still to meet my family.Three subsequent times after that, I went to visit him and he was very eager to introduce me to his family. I stayed at his place for a couple of days and stayed at a hotel most of the time. His family loved me and we got along really well.He is coming to visit me next week. I definitely feel comfortable enough for him to stay at my place and meet my family. Now comes the problem. I spoke to my mom and aunt about him staying at my place, my aunt is still living here with her kids. Mom and Aunt both asked me questions about this guy. They both feel that LDR would not work, plus my boyfriend works in food service and still living at home, while I'm a manager in a corporate company and have my own house. They think I can do better. I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's, we're 2 years apart in age. I don't agree with what my mom and aunt says. I believe love is not based on income or career. They disagree and not only do they not want to meet him, they don't want me going out with him. It didn't help that the past two times he visited, I stayed out til 4am and my mom was NOT happy about that. She is very traditional. My delima is I don't know how to and I don't want to tell him that's how my mom and aunt feels about him. It's not that I don't want him to meet my family, but maybe right now is not a good time. I'm afraid he'll not understand and be disappointed that I've met his family yet he hasn't met mine.What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 October 2014):
 OP: In your re-submittal, you include: "My boyfriend told me that he's been in a similar situation with a couple of his exes where her family disliked and judged him too. I don't want him to have to go through it again."
Let me "adjust" my advice to: WHY has this guy gone through this same scene with "a couple of exes...." ?????
Maybe your Mother and Aunt are on to something... and YOU could/should double-check just what YOU are seeing and doing....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2014):
 At your age, doing what you want is more important than pleasing your family.
At your age, you now can choose who you want for family. You do not have to have relatives as family.
Since your aunt lives IN YOUR HOME... YOUR rules apply. If she does not like it SHE CAN LEAVE YOUR HOME.
I think it's great you have found someone that makes you happy. I hope it works out... is he going to move to be with you? I think until he moves, then it's not critical for him to meet the family.
Tell him you are happy and you know your family is being unfair and that they will either come around or you will cut them out of your life (as you should if they don't come around)... then give it time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 On the other hand you could be completely honest and matter of fact, without condemning your family for it.He's already been told pretty much the same things by previous girlfriends. Perhaps he needs to hear it again before he does something about it. Either way, you should not worry about this. At all. Let HIM worry about making a good impression instead of manipulating YOU into worrying about it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 October 2014):
Don't bring up the topic, but if he does simply tell him your family doesn't take dating seriously (and therefore don't feel compelled to meet him) until you've been together a few years. That might buy you some time.
Be casual and confident about it. Don't offer any further explanations or apologies. The more confident you are about it, the better he is likely to take it.
To be honest, I do see where your family is coming from. There is nothing wrong with working in the food industry but for a 30 year old to still be living at home...you have to ask yourself why. It reeks of failure and lack of ambition. You, clearly have some ambition and while this might seem like a very trivial matter now, it won't be when you've invested years, considerable feelings and hopes for the future and want to move forward with him....and he's quite content to continue living with his parents.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Be honest, tell him your mom and your aunt have decided that he isn't good enough for you and so don't want to meet him. Then tell him that it doesn't matter one bit as far as you are concerned because you plan on just ignoring their disapproval anyway. Say that perhaps they will end up changing their minds eventually but that all up to them. As long as the two of you are enjoying each other and having fun, then that's ALL you care about.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2014):
The crux of your submittal is contained in this phrase: "... I'm a manager in a corporate company and have my own house. They think I can do better..."
At some point you will realize that you do NOT have to live you life in such a manner that your Mom and Aunt have veto power over what you do.... When that happens, you will be able to address this problem/question all by yourself... and our replies (us Aunts and Uncles) won't make any difference....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Aunties for your input and advice!
My concern is actually, how do I tell my boyfriend that this is how my family views him and that they have no interest in meeting him?
I prefer trying to convince my family to accept him before bringing him to meet them.
My boyfriend told me that he's been in a similar situation with a couple of his exes where her family disliked and judged him too. I don't want him to have to go through it again.
How do I tell him that I'm not ready for him to meet my family yet without having to tell him the reason why?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2014):
You are a big girl, it's your life, it's your house. Do whatever you think is right for you. Don't ever let yourself get into the situation where you must live your life to the dictates of someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): When your aunt is in your house she has no right to tell you who you can and cannot bring home.As for your mother, she only wants you to be happy and have all that you want in life. The big question is how do you feel about his career prospects. If you don't care how much he earns and what job he does then you will have to be strong because you will face lots of snide remarks from your family and at your work functions. You'll need to have a thick skin.I know someone in your circumstances who after years of fighting with her family, they finally accepted her boyfriend despite the fact that, in their opinion, She could do better. Only time will prove to your family how happy you are with him. If your aunt is reporting to your mum about your activities, then she can find somewhere else to live.
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