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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I was engaged briefly to a man about 4 years ago but prior to that we were very close friends since high school. I loved him dearly. Unfortunately he passed away last week and I was only notified yesterday. I had lost touch with him when he got married out of respect but we would see each other out and about sometimes. His now wife has made a big deal about me and has told people that I am not allowed to attend his service and I am very upset. I understand it might be weird but I want to go to pay my respects to his parents as they really liked me. I don't care that his wife doesn't like me, the focus should be on him and his service not me.I know some of our mutual friends will be there so I would not feel uncomfortable it's just his wife that I'm worried about. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): You say that you know its wierd that you want to attend the service after his cremation but i wonder what this is really about..it is thoughtless to attend a service against the wifes wishes especially as they (the family) are paying for it.When all these casual friends show up they will bepaying respect to the wife and not treating itlike a teenage shinding.You seem to havenominated yourself to super intimate with him, despite a brief failed engagement and your presence will clearly bring acrimony. All your friends have probably moved emotionally and you possibly will have less in common than you think.Most people would do the decent thing and stay away from the memorial unless you are hoping to divide the room.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2015):
 OP, by now I think you are just holding your ground out of ( misguided ) pride. Either that, or you live in a parallel society in a parallel universe where EX girlfriends are on par with legally wedded wives, and said ex girlfriend 's plans and wishes are allowed to trump the official, legitimate partner's ones ( his widow ).
It ain't so, OP . Socially ( but also emotionally and morally ) speaking current wife trumps ex gf any time.
You might have been great friends for years with the decesead , and she his wife since barely 5 months
( which, btw, makes the whole situation more shocking for her and harder to deal with - no compassion at all for that ?... ). But, he eventually CHOSE to marry her , not you. He chose to make you his past, and someone expendable in his life, since, as you say, after his marriage you become just casual acquaintances, nothing more ; and he chose to make HER his present and future
( if he had been so lucky to have one ) and unexpendable. Btw, another thing which is implied in marrying someone , is that, in lack of different, specific instructions in the will, the surviving SPOUSE is in charge of all the arrangements and matters concerning the memeorial service etc. If you marry someone, it also means that you trust him / her enough to confide that he / she will perform all the funerary rites in the most correct , honourable and appropriate way. Ever thought about that ?....
Anyway, you ask what are you supposed to do about not being allowed to attend your good friend's funeral.
Simple, you accept that the right thing to do is respecting the widow's wish and NOT attending, and avoid making this an ego thing and a bigger deal than it is.
What prevents you from remembering your cherished friend, thanking him for having been in your life , and celebrating his demise with a last" goodbye, I love you "- WITHIN YOUR HEART - in the privacy of your home ? Do you really need the trappings- maybe complete with black tailored suit and dark sunglasses ?... Pfui.
Look, I had to skip my father's funeral. He died at 7 a.m., and I was right there with him when he passed away. But that very same evening I had to take a plane and go back home, which at the time was at a 12 hours' flight distance. Long story , I'll spare you the details , but no, for various reasons I could not change my ticket or delay my departure even of just one day.
So I was not among the " official " mourners at his funeral.
That day, I took my child to the park , as always, and I taught him a poem that my father had taught me when I was 5, and then we " taught " to my son's Power Rangers action figures my father's school anthem. That was my funeral service for my father,- and ,knowing him, one he'd had been totally thrilled with.
Thr point being : if you mourn, you mourn, you do not necessarily NEED to have your loss validated by a black dress or a public ceremony or a public show of distress. Find your own way to honour the deceased and cherish his memory, without having to go needle his widow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): Here's some advice. Don't go to the event. Give your condolences to his parents in private, either call them or visit them, or invite them for lunch.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 August 2015):
 No one is "bashing" you, but trying to get through to you to SEE things from the widow's side of things.
It's not about how long they were married versus how long you have know him. She asked that you (and some other ex) not show up. It's a simple request.
The parents may not understand the unfolding drama and thus have said they want to see you. I think the last think anyone needs is drama at a funeral service.
So CALL the parents, go see them IN their home after the service. Give your condolences in private with decorum.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): your still under thirty and you are making a big drama about an ex in your life,so much so that you want to overrule his wife when it comes to her wishes about the funeral.Considering you clearly broke up at some time you are being rather possessive of your ex...i assume this was an earlier romance.Were children involved or are you just claiming to be the better friend or sex partner previously? Are you paying for the funeral? Were you at the wedding as quite a few of your previously joint friends clearly were.Are you missing the attention of the group of friends?Did you expect to have a say in things when your ex and his wife chose their marriage bed? No! So why do you feel it is right to butt in now.It may seem like a prime opportunity for you to diva yourself with all eyes on you but it is a real life funeral and not a film.His friends may ask why he's suddenly so important to you now, all these years later.Have you been in jail,secretly pining for him all these years or is your starring role going to be based on the fact that you did the right thing to cut out earlier in life because he wasnt going to be around long..and why do you carry an attitude that his wife doesnt count..perhaps you are hoping his mutual friends will agree that she doesnt count by ignoring her and running after you because now he's dead your up for carrying the diva battle forward.I suggest you leave them in peace and concentrate on the life you have made for yourself after your historic breakup.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): your still under thirty and you are making a big drama about an ex in your life,so much so that you want to overrule his wife when it comes to her wishes about the funeral.Considering you clearly broke up at some time you are being rather possessive of your ex...i assume this was an earlier romance.Were children involved or are you just claiming to be the better friend or sex partner previously? Are you paying for the funeral? Were you at the wedding as quite a few of your previously joint friends clearly were.Are you missing the attention of the group of friends.Did you expect to have a say in things when your ex and his wife chose their marriage bed? No! So why do you feel it is right to butt in now.It may seem like a prime opportunity for you to diva yourself with all eyes on you but it is a real life funeral and not a film.His friends may ask why he's suddenly so important to you now, all these years later.Have you been in jail,secretly pining for him all these years or is your starring role going to be based on the fact that you did the right thing to cut out earlier in life because he wasnt going to be around long..and why do you carry an attitude that his wife doesnt count..perhaps you are hoping his mutual friends will agree that she doesnt count by ignoring her and running after you because now he's dead your up for carrying the diva battle forward.I suggest you leave them in peace and concentrate on the life you have made for yourself after your historic breakup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): I knew him and was close with him just as she was.'
Are you serious? You were not the one he chose to share his life with for eternity (and actually went through with it) so ofcourse you are not as close to him as she is. To put it nicely it doesn't matter what you think. She has every right to not want ex girlfriends around whatever her reasons may be.
No you did not have the same place in his life as she did. It really isn't your call to make..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015): @Honeypie no one was asking for you to change your advice, and no one asked your opinion on me being 'just an ex'(him and I only dated briefly, we were friends though for years) He was only married for about 5 months. So I guess if I'm 'only an ex' she was 'only a wife' nobody is 'only an' anything.. that's a bit harsh to say. If your old close friend died I'm sure you would feel differently. Whether you dated them or not, friends are friends. So no I'm not 'only an ex' so no need for those comments :) I didn't need advice on what people thought of me, I needed advice on what I should do about how to handle not being 'allowed' to attend a good friends funeral because his wife doesn't like me or hates me because I dated her husband or whatever. I'm not mad or trying to make this 'about me' I'm just trying to understand this. Thought I could get some help on here but instead I got bashed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2015):
Grief will do strange things to people. Among that anger and hostility. Why she has chosen you and another ex-gf to direct it at is anyone's guess...
The matter of fact is.. SHE is his wife/widow. You are just an ex GF.
You can easily talk to his parents and BE there for them, give them condolences etc. at another time than his funeral service.
You are making this about YOU and what YOU think is right. It isn't YOUR husband who died.
Sorry, your update doesn't make me change my advice.
It may not be what you want to hear.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 August 2015):
 Are his parents prepared to have you sit with them in pride of place, putting your feelings on this ahead of those of their newly widowed daughter in law?
Do the wishes of mutual friends over ride those of the grieving wife?
You are an ex girlfriend, as I said before, show some decorum and respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): His wife is grieving. Yes you knew the guy but you didn't take vows to be with him.and share your life with him. Send a card to the family you know and don't attend the memorial. Respect the wishes of a fellow woman who has had her entire world ripped apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): No actually, you are not on a par with his wife.
She is the one he committed to in legally, religiously, financially, socially so no you don't care about him just as much.
Have some respect for his chosen partner in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): I am actually surprised by the responses...I'll put in some more info here.He is not being buried he's already been cremated.I am not wanting to go to cause drama and stress... Our mutual friends and his parents have told me they want me to go. I am a long time family friend.His wife is the one who I've been told immediately starting making a big deal that his 2 ex girlfriends (me and another woman) 'better not show their faces here' I mean my friends have even told me she's posting this personal info about not wanting me to go on facebook...I understand shes grieving but to put it nicely I think it's wrong and unfair. I knew him and was close with him just as she was. I don't think it's fair just because I'm an ex girlfriend. Tons of her friends who didn't even really know him are attending.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2015):
I agree with WiseOwlE
Pay your respect to the parent in another way, and at another time.
While you dated him in the past, SHE was his wife. Whether you like her or not I think you should respect her wishes.
Now I have no idea why there is this hostility between you two, but I suggest you find another way to say good bye. Like WiseOwlE said the gave site is public (if he is going to be buried).
And I agree with Auntie Bim Bim..... It's been a day and drama is already there. Take the high road, I'm SURE you wouldn't want drama at his service. While you say the funeral is about the dead, it isn't really. It's about all the living mourning the passing of a loved one. It is the livings way of saying goodbye.
Why on Earth you'd want to show up and create stress and drama for the wife AT HIS funeral is beyond me. Yes, you knew him, yes you cared about him - but SHE was his spouse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 August 2015):
Hey OP this is his WIFE ! - now his widow ,actually -this isn't such an irrelevanr derail as you make it; what she wants, counts. Same as, when the man was alive, it would not have even crossed your mind to show up on his doorstep and demand admittance to his house if you knew his wife did not want you there, now you should , out of respect and out of basic manners, stay put and not try to barge in where you are clearly not wanted.
I don't exclude that the wife's reasons for not wanting you there might be flimsy,petty and stupid- so what. She is still a person going through a big loss and facing a big crisis in her life, nobody should wish to give her any more troubles that she is already dealing with at this time.
You can always convey your sympathy to his parents by telegram, or , even better, write them a nice, affectionate letter. And of course you can visit this man's grave and pay your respects there AFTER the funeral.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015): You can always pay your respects to his parents, and you can also visit the burial site; being that it is open to the public.
Respect her wishes as far as not attending the funeral. She is grieving her husband and that should be respected; regardless of how you might feel about her asking you not to attend. Funerals are private. If people don't wish your presence at the ceremony, you don't go there.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 August 2015):
I don't know how your former boyfriends wife found out your intentions to attend the service, nor do I know how you found out she has told people she doesn't want you there .......... or WHY she is reacting in this way.
Its only been a day since you learnt of his death, it appears to me you and the widow know some obnoxious gossip mongers and shit stirrers for her views to have been repeated to you, probably amongst the mutual friends you spoke of.
You may feel the service should focus on the deceased, but funerals are actually more for the living and the grieving. I think in this case you should show some decorum and respect and stay away from the service.
If you want to pay your respects to his parents you can do so via a phone call or hand written note.
If mutual friends who you don't usually see are going to be in town for the service you can ask them if they can fit in a catch up with you, and those who are still in town.
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