A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So, I'm writing from a guy's point of view, but more for a need for perspective than anything else. So you see, I was dating a girl with a pretty similar personality. Motivated by work, has a high paying job and though open minded, comes from a background where career and education and the advancement of both are paramount to many things. Though things were rocky at first (misunderstandings and trying to articulate what our relationship would be like through the obvious attraction we had for each other), though it eventually got better, much better. At the same time, her primary concern seemed to be about my career. I am part of a family business in real estate investment and development, and she didn't know what exactly owning one's own business meant. eventually she came around. i then decided after much back and forth that I would in fact apply to business school because i wanted to change my career and explore new territory. i started studying for the GMAT, but then stopped as i got disheartened by how long it will take me to get a higher score, and thus I won't be able to apply in time. she got really disappointed in this, and was upset to see me upset with myself for the situation. The issue subsided, but still flared up every now and then. I told her to try and be patient while i figure out my next steps, but she got increasingly concerned about what my direction was actually going to be. Eventually i became so frustrated that I had to break it off with her, though we did keep in touch. Then we started to spend time together, but not intimately. I asked her at that point where she saw this going. She said she was not able to get over me, but she wanted someone with direction who had a plan and went aggressively after it. she said she didn't expect me to make a million bucks, and wasn't asking for a laundry list. i admit my ego/pride was not able to handle it at first, and again told her that i wanted her to understand and stand with me while i figured this out. this issue came to a head. she told me she was in love with me but she was starting to have trust issues and was being driven to just give up. I told her I was more motivated now to pursue my MBA than I ever have been, and have been studying for it, but I also wanted to explore the idea of owning my own business (coming from an entrepreneur background, this has always been a desire of mine). It didnt' seem like she welcomed that idea, as she saw that again I was hedging my bets between careers and didn't have the conviction needed to sincerely go after one thing. She said it wasn't that I lacked ambition, but that at any time I had multiple things going on, and that because i divided my energies, everything moved very slowly. Ultimately, it was about career pacing. her pace was different from mine. one thing that seemed to have defined a good part of our relationship was when she applied to business school, she went after it very, very aggressively. she would point to that and say she went through one of the most ambitious times in her life, while i seemed to be unsure and moving slowly. She eventually started to say that she wanted to explore elsewhere, and that she wasn't saying this to hurt me but it's just something she wanted right now and that she wanted me to let it go, let it be. I pulled out all the stops in trying to convince her otherwise, but it seemed she didn't want to budge. I finally told her the rest of what I was holding back, that during all this time, when talking about career differences, etc, that i loved her, and that i've been in love with her for a while. perhaps i didn't make it very official earlier, but i wanted to let her know that i realize that. She asked why tell her all this now after it's over, that she's not in that place any more, and she doesn't want to think back to that time because she doesn't want to ruin the sanctity of our time spent together. since then i've kept in touch with her about once a week. We met for dinner before she went on a trip over seas, and it was nice - she said ti was nice to see me, got a little misty eyed when i comforted her about something, and in the end she said she had a nice time. we have kept in touch via email since she came back, and she called to wish me a happy birthday recently. just a note throughout this entire relationship - i care about her...a lot. that may or may not seem obvious but i have done things for her in the past that have blown her way from that have come from this loving feeling, if for no other reason than the urge to express my love. i hand made a card recently for a very big holiday in our culture, where i basically made the shape of a lamp on the front of a card using colorful threading we use as part of the holiday's ritual. so, when she came back, she had a cold. i sent her a link to an over the counter medication she can use to help. she replied saying thanks and that she had been on the same thing for some time. i told her i hope her day was going ok, and that she's here, and when she feels better, it would be nice to meet. the next day, i made her ginger tea and left it at her building. i texted her letting her know i made some tea for her fever, and that she should add honey, and to be careful, might be hot. she called back, taken a back, saying i really didn't have to , and that i should stop doing things like that. i heard an amused/charmed tone over the phone, but i acknowledged what she was saying. i asked her how she was feeling, she said she was at her girl friend's place, and would go pick up the tea. she asked why i did it, i said i didn't think much else would work for her fever. i asked her if she could meet, and she muttered something about having to meet a friend's friend, and then was going to go home and sleep. she said she didn't think she was in the condition to meet, and that we would meet in some time. i said okay, i would get back to my studying, and that i would talk to her later. the next day, while texting back and forth, she said she wanted me to stop doing things like that. i said i cared for her and did it, really wasn't much else to it. i told her i wasnt' sorry i made it, but if it makes her feel uncomfortable, then i want to respect that and i will not do it again. she said thank you,that she didn't want to hhurt me but she thought it was the right thing to do. i called her after and left a message saying sorry, and to call me back. she later texted that night saying she will call me today morning, but nothing as yet. Anyway, the smaller back and forth apart. I realize that i need to have a higher standard for myself, ad be able to go after what i want to regardless of what her standards are for me. it hurts that she isn't here with me while i go for it, but i've got to take it in stride and go after it anyway. Part of me realizes that I'm afraid I wont measure up to her standard, and that whatever chance i might have will be lost if i don't get into business school this year. I am developing a longer term view of things, looking at plan B and making phone calls to heads of small companies I know, and getting their feedback. If I re-apply, it will need to be with better career experience either in the family business or elsewhere to show a progression in career. To the ladies here...I am reminded of her when I read about the hurt you have been going through on the forums, of your guy not being at the place you are, when you are trying to go forward, and at some point feeling like he is holding you back, and that there might be better elsewhere. I understand that feeling now much more clearly. I just wonder if you ever broke up with this guy, if he had slowly but surely began to shape his future and went after it (note: not just talked about it, but demonstrated steps he has taken to get there), how would you look at that? I wonder also, what thoughts you have on what I wrote above, if you have any questions I can clarify, I'd be happy to. And thank you for reading...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 December 2011):
 First off, good for you on trying to step up and motivate yourself to achieve more. Just remember that, when you look at successful people, all you see is the end result; it's all too easy to miss their earlier failures, missteps, and regrets. Just keep pushing forward. Starting your own business is something that would be especially prone to setbacks. Don't let them stop you.
I know all that sounds like empty motivational cliches, but it's the truth, for once.
Second, stop thinking about your ex. Let her go. Your motivation needs to come from yourself, for yourself, not for some chick who has long since moved on. How can you succeed if your goal is to impress someone who may siply choose not to be impressed, rather than yourself?
There will be other women in your life. Perhaps many. Perhaps one or two who will be very special to you. Let that happen, rather than living for the girl who missed her shot. Your self and your goals are, and should be, a higher priority.
Think of it this way: the best girl in the world isn't the one who shows up after you've changed and become successful. The best girl is the talent scout who saw you when you were in the process and stuck around, supporting you, and not going off in her own direction in life. The best girlfriend is the teammate, not the competitor.
Study hard. GMAT, MBA, whatever you reach for. Meet new girls, but keep your focus on your goals. I think once you can adjut your attitude and priorities to something more along those lines, you stand a good chance in life.
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