A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to enter the dating scene again, but I don't know how I will ever trust a man again after my ex dumped me nearly 5 months ago. I was utterly shell-shocked as we had built up a strong friendship over quite some time and he had been the one convincing me this relationship was right and making future plans. He was really lovely and then as soon as we made love for the first and only time the relationship took a downward turn, he started being distant and unkind to me and then dumped me. He seemed to be saying as much as he could to hurt me. He has been treated really badly by girls in the past. He said to me beforehand he doesn't know how to cope with being treated well, but why would you hurt someone who likes you and treats you well? I could have understood him dumping me if I had done something really bad like cheating on him or something, but I didn't. I was having a rough time around the time we split up, but I was really hurt that he never asked me what the trouble was. I told him when we split up that I felt like a piece of dirt that he had wiped off his shoe and he smiled. The relief on his face when he broke it off with me really hurt. I couldn't believe it when he mentioned me going out with other men, he even suggested some of his friends, as he had not long previously said he was worried about losing me to another man. I just feel like a fool, that maybe after all these years I never knew another about him at all, and I feel like I've had the rug well and truly pulled from under my feet. I wonder if everything he said to me were lies. Most people seem to think I was a rebound, although we were very careful to try and avoid this, and that he is so mixed up after the way that his ex-fiancee treated him that he was really in no position to be in a relationship and is probably a bit anti-woman right now. I can understand that given what he has been through, but I know I don't deserve to be put in the same category as lieing and cheating women.It took me a very long time to trust a man enough to go out with him again (10 years), but my trust in men has sunk lower than it did before. Several dates have said to me that I am extremely guarded, but I don't know how I will ever trust another man again. I felt really comfortable around my ex because he was the only man I've met who didn't jump on me almost immediately. However, I feel like my ex just used me for sex, even though we only did it once in the relationship. How do I know these dates aren't just out for sex? I have even started visibly flinching when men just put a hand on my arm. Help! How much do I explain to prospective partners about what I have been through? How do I move on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): I have been in a similar situation as yourself. Firstly as you have been hurt so much by your ex, the best thing to do is not to throw yourself into the dating scene. You need time to heal yourself, your emotions and become strong again. You need to repair your heart before you even consider entering any sort of relationship. This is why you are feeling so negative towards your dates because emotionally you are not ready for the dating scene.Yes, there are a lot of men who use women for sex with no strings.You have to have your wits about you and just make sure you never rush into anything sexual too soon. If they are really interested in YOU then they will wait. It takes time to recover from a failed relationship and you must spend your time with family, friends and keep yourself as busy as possible. I had a relationship once where I was physically abused, like yourself slept with a guy only to get dumped a week later. But having given myself time to heal I know that there are genuine men out there, I'm just waiting to meet the the right one. Once you've met a few baddies it makes it easier to judge who is genuine or not. And remember your gut instinct, if something feels wrong about the guy then it is wrong. Just be strong and look after number one at the moment.
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (7 May 2007):
 I can relate to your feelings of being let down and lack of trust towards the opposite sex. It does sound like he was never really ready for a deep relationship; maybe something he was'nt truly aware of or ignored up until the end. It takes something big in your life to sometimes start to realise your own insecurities and weaknesses, maybe this was the case for him.
I am not defending him, but emotions and how people deal with them can change dramatically from person to person. He obviously needs some sort of help to get over HIS trust issues, you may have been a catalyst to help him realise this.
You dont deserve to be called a liar and a cheater, this is how he feels in general and was probably not directed at you, rather to his previous partner who caused him his pain and anguish.
You have to remember that not all men are like him, you would be travelling down the same road as him if you let these thoughts stop any happiness you may want to seek in the future. Take the time to recover and rebuild yourself. Trust in other people is hard enough any way, so use the time to regain your self-importance and confidence and over time your perspective in the opposite sex will change.
When you are ready to date again and you do find that person you feel comfortable with, telling him of this wont be an issue and will help him understand you a lot better. Don't think of this as a negative.
I really do sympathise with you and what you have been through. Dont take any notice of the nasty things he had said and remember that you have done nothing wrong and even though life feels crappy now, time has a way of healing those wounds.
I would maybe ask you to think about guidance for yourself to help you to learn to trust again, but that it is up to you. Just take each day as it comes and remember that it was HIM with the problems and you have to make sure his actions dont ruin your chances of finding that special person in your life.
Use your friends and family and try (i know its hard), to stay focused on you and getting your trust back in other people. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the ability to learn to trust again, as there IS someone out there with your name on their heart.
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