A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:OK this might be a bit of strange one but I'm interested to hear what other's opinion on this are.I have been with my partner for a year and a half. There's some things I have noticed that make me think or even research different behaviour problems ect. (I am not a Doctor or expert by any means, but please bare with me).My partner wants to be in touch with me all day every day at the same times, same routine and gets upset if that goes out of sync. I have many friends in my life and over the years from what he has told me has struggled to maintain close friendships and I even see now when he is around my friends or in public can either make funny comments which is fine or is very anxious and struggling. So I tend not to put him in that situation now unless he's 100% sure he's okay with it.If I bring up a issue or a problem that I have he gets highly distressed over it and I mean almost child like and vulnerable. Where I feel I have to calm him down and whatever I was addressing goes out the window and my main thing is making sure he is okay.I have also noticed he develops obsessions with celebrities like massive obsessions. He's in his early 40s so not exactly a teenage boy or whatever age is usually appropriate for that. Like he doesn't understand sometimes why it may be over the top and I'm not just defending him I have spent enough time with him now to know that he just doesn't understand social norms at times and struggling reading a situation.Other wee things too like routine has to be the same every day and if any of it goes wrong he takes it badly. Or arranging dvds or cds in correct order ect and gets upset if they are not in order. The reason I'm asking this is for times when I do get annoyed with him or feel I need to cast something up should I be is there something or signs of something that isn't even his fault ect.I'm not quite sure how to approach it. If you meet him he would appear as a guy in his 40s, good job, house and car. So you wouldn't know any of above but obv I have been up close for over a year now.It is making me think is there something there that a Doctor should be helping him manage.As I stated I have absolutely no medical training ect so I could be absolutely wrong. Just so lost on how I would begin to approach this if am wrong then I have given some struggling as it is with more anxiety but I think if I knew there was something else then I could also learn how to approach things better for him.Sorry long post but yeah I just not sure how handle this at all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2021): Hi
Maybe you could read up on Asperger's or mild autism and see if this leads you to any conclusion, but always better to involve him so he can decide if he wants to take it further. It may be none of the above and some sort of anxiety issue that he needs to identify. You sound very understanding and he is fortunate that he has a partner who is willing to try and understand his complexities.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2021): Seeking therapy and/or undergoing psychological-evaluation to determine possible emotional, clinical, or psychological disorder is highly personal; and strictly a voluntary endeavor. Getting other people to admit they may have a problem is the first challenge; then dealing with whatever the diagnosis turns out to be is the next.
We receive many posts from people in relationships with individuals who display symptoms of possible mental illness, depression, or social anxiety disorder. Some behavioral issues are subtle, and some are blatantly detectable; yet it seems the sufferer is completely unaware. In many cases they are quite aware, and have been diagnosed since childhood. Some people are fearful and hesitant about disclosing their illness; or the fact they may be under treatment and therapy. They don't want to be judged, stigmatized, or pitied. Least of all, they don't want anyone to think they're "crazy."
Have you come right-out and asked him if he has OCD, or has he been diagnosed on the autism spectrum?
You've been together long enough to be fully transparent with each-other. Rather than guessing, or depending on speculation; you should address the issue directly. Once you clear the air, and it turns out he has never been evaluated; that is your opportunity to suggest that he might get a complete mental health evaluation. He should be curious to find-out why he becomes so disturbed when you break a routine, or why he is so distressed when you share any problems you're facing? He should also want to find a way to manage his behavior; in order to maintain harmony and build trust between you. You can't always internalize your problems for fear of his reaction being more disturbed or distressed than you are! The relationship shouldn't be founded upon you always coddling and consoling him; or breaking your back trying to stick to his rigid routines to avoid upsetting him!
Often, people abandon their treatment programs; because they get tired of medication, don't like or trust their therapists; or they just want to handle things on their own. They are not handling it well, when it becomes so unmanaged your partner and significant other becomes stressed and concerned about it! It's not fair, and it's being selfish and irresponsible.
If you need professional help, you must seek it. You shouldn't have to be told by somebody else that you've got a problem! When that person refuses to seek help to manage their mental health problem; you should end the relationship, or put everything on hold until they do. Feeling guilty about it is pointless. Both parties have to contribute to build a strong romantic-connection; and do their part to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Otherwise, you are merely a captive; enslaved by his illness, and your own guilt.
Addressing touchy-issues like mental health is a part of developing trust. You can't leave anything to chance; because you may want to have children someday. You'll need to know what might be passed-on genetically. I don't recommend people disclosing very intimate details to people they hardly know, and there is no romantic-commitment under serious consideration. It is certainly a personal choice to decide when it is best to be so forthcoming. It is never fair, or honest, to hide it; while seeking a committed romantic-relationship. If he is 40, by now he knows what his issues are; and may have chosen not to confess them to you. He has probably known since his childhood.
Just getting to know someone, or casually dating, doesn't require immediate disclosure. It should be mentioned, if you suffer severe psychological-impairment; or take medication for a psychotic-disorder that may unexpectedly erupt at any given moment. Hiding it under those circumstances is being deceptive. It is also potentially dangerous.
I think in this case, he has known for years and he doesn't want to let it get in the way of having a romantic-relationship. He's allowing you to adjust and adapt to it as you go. I think you are overdue some explanation of what's going on; and it is not your responsibility to simply put-up with what you don't understand, or causes you concern. It's his responsibility to earn your trust by being truthful. If he has never sought or received a diagnosis; I would find that very hard to believe. When you consider how his behavior is so conspicuous and sometimes quite unsettling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 April 2021):
 Sounds like he could be on the Autism Spectrum, to be honest. And/or perhaps there is some OCD going on as well.
Given he is 40 and successful means he is "high functioning" regardless of what issues he has. We can ONLY guess as we aren't professionals or know him and his history well enough.
I would be curious as to his childhood as well. If he had a parent with EITHER (above-mentioned issues) and had a VERY structured and scheduled life, it worked for him and thus this is HOW he manages to be successful but it also hindered him in being better at socializing.
I'm OCD - I like things just so. I prefer structure. I prefer schedules. I prefer routines, patterns, and... rituals. BUT I have also learned to adjust to change. I'm not always successful at it and it does cause me some anxiety. I think that many people are this way without being "diagnosed" with anything. And without HAVING those issues.
I think YOU need to have CLEAR boundaries with him. He might PREFER that he can call you at 7 am, 12 noon, and 7 pm when he can't see you (just examples) but that doesn't mean it will FIT into your life.
These are not issues that are likely to go away or improve on. And I say that as someone who has WORKED on some of them myself, I made some improvements but that was when I was in my teens and 20's. So a man in his 40's? I think he is VERY set in his ways and I don't think he sees himself as being "different".
Let's say, for argument's sake, that he is OCD/Autistic - does the label mean you can ACCEPT his behaviors more easily?
There is no pill to fix that. Nothing.
Therapy ONLY works if HE wants to work on issues and if he feels he is "just fine" it's likely to be wasted money and time. NOR are these issues something YOU can fix by loving him.
THIS is who he is, take it or leave it.
If that makes sense.
Could you live with him 24/7? From the little, you wrote I can see it is VERY hard to live with someone like him for most people. And worse, if you move in with him because NOW he has his house like HE wants it, you will add only chaos with your "stuff".
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