A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Folks - I'm in quite a pretty pickle. This will be long, so sit back!I was in a relationship with a guy for nearly 5 years. We naturally had our ups and our downs, but overall, things were fine. We got along, shared the same interests, laughed together, had great sex and had discussed marriage and children. We had lived together for a year before, but his job moved and I couldn't find a job after college so we both moved back in with our parents while I job hunted and he went back to school to pursue a different degree. Things were fine. After two years, we moved back in together. I have a job and he's finishing up school. My job was super stressful and though I know he got annoyed of hearing me complain, things were still fine. We didn't argue much, still enjoyed one another and all was well. At least I thought it was. One morning, after discussing our anniversary plans, he gave me some variant of the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. It came COMPLETELY out of nowhere to me but he said he had been thinking about it for weeks. I was crushed. We had so many future plans together and my life turned upside down. What's worse, is that he was teary eyed and upset the entire time. For financial reasons, we ended up living together for a month - during which we still got along great, hung out and all of that jazz. He would give me mixed signals here and there but I gave him space and kept a smile on my face despite being so broken hearted.During this time period, I started trying to make and hang out more with new friends. I started hanging around an older man at work - he's literally twice my age. We'd simply go out for coffee and would hang out whenever I became too emotional. I enjoyed his company and he always made me feel better.The night my ex moved out, this other guy showed up at 1am with cheesecake just to make me feel better because of how absolutely devastated I was. We went out over the weekend just to keep me busy. Then one night, we went to a nearby beach and just laid under the stars. It was genuinely a very "magical" night. We enjoyed it so the next night, we went again and did the whole corny 'finding images in the clouds' thing. It was nice and that night ultimately resulted in us pursuing a relationship. It was odd for me at first because he's a year older than my mom, but he's a genuinely sweet and compassionate man.My ex didn't bother trying to contact me for a while. (We agreed to be friends) so I figured he didn't care and I just kept going. This new guy was just a great man. However, after a month, my ex shows up at my doorstep very distraught. I had to explain I was seeing someone, but I felt terrible. I told him we'd go to dinner to talk, but naturally the new guy in my life wasn't comfortable with the idea so I cancelled. When I called to cancel with my ex, we had a long discussion about everything that had happened. Long story short - he panicked. I tried sticking to my guns and focusing on my new guy but I just couldn't.I went to my ex to talk with him and he basically professed that he loved me dearly, he made a dire mistake out of fear and that he wanted to marry me. Initially, I was going to break it off with the new guy in my life before stepping back and thinking.Could I trust my ex not to leave again? How do I know he's not just lonely so he's crawling back to what he had? We had several discussions about these things and I sincerely do not feel he's just lonely, but I'm not 100% I can trust him or not.The downside is that now I have this other guy telling me I'm his purpose for life - that he didn't care whether he lived or died until I came along. He was already making plans with me for the future.I feel like i love them BOTH and this is what's tearing me apart. Initially, I figured I'd have to cut off my ex and tell him it wasn't going to happen because that's what everyone told me I should do. The logic being that he hurt me and didn't deserve me back. This new guy has bent over backwards for me and I felt I shouldn't just abandon him suddenly to go back to my ex.But there are still some issues. I'm still struggling to see past his age. I'm also struggling because he has erectile problems and considering how young I am, I'm not keen on such a long stint of lack of intimacy. I know its not his fault and he's working to get it fixed by going to doctor's and such, but it concerns me. It also concerns me that because of his age, I'll survive him by a great deal (assuming there are no accidents/tragedies) and if we ever had children, he wouldn't really live long enough to see his grandchildren grow. However, I'm scared that if I cut anything off with him, he'll go back to not caring about his life. I love him enough to not want him to hurt.Ultimately, I make a decision then change my mind. One minute, I feel like my ex is the one I want. Then I change my mind and feel like the new guy is better for me. The back and forth of it all is absolutely destroying me - not to mention the new guy I'm with. I don't want to drag him through my confusion (though he doesn't know the full extent of it) but I'm already hurting him as I have discussed most of these things with him and now he's sitting back and waiting for me to decide. The situation is also tricky because we work together and he sits right behind me. I don't know what to do. Do I take back the man who panicked but broke my heart (note that we had a good relationship and he had never done anything awful prior to this)? Do I stay with the man who has bent over backwards for me for the past month who sees me as his purpose in life? Whose heart am I going to be forced to break ultimately? Should I just go it alone and be single?
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anniversary, at work, crush, moved out, my ex, older man, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal. The one moved out & the same night the older man is there to comfort you. He knew you were going through a difficult situation & he shouldn't of pursued a relationship with you.
And do you want to trust the man who after five years tells you he isn't in love with you. Now he's having a change of heart.
You might want to take time just for you to figure out what you want. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): Hi, I am 49 yrs old, my wife is turning 23 in a few weeks.
married 4 years and she is preggy now.
It's hard for me to keep up with her and that frustrates us both, mostly she is very understanding.
I have lots of life experience which she doesnt, that frustrates us both as well..
Being with a much older man will be challenging at times, are you prepared for that?/
And I know that I'll never see my grand kids but our love is great.
Your other bloke?? well he did a runner, now sees you happy and wants to be a part of that.
If I was in your position then I would take two steps back and not commit to either man. Take your time, as life commitments last for life. If the men understand this then you have a basis to work from,and to build a solid future. If they dont then they are useing you for thier own selfish gain. friends are good.
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