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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I am in a lot of pain. My ex broke up with me 3 years ago- it was very heart breaking as he was my first everything- sex, love etc. One of the reasons we broke up was because he was moving to a different city. I have now moved to that city and he is roommates with my best friend (they are not together) so I see him nearly every day. After I moved up we had a pointless, stupid fling which ended just as quickly as it started. We have NO communication skills! We had a big fight last night with me trying to find a way for us to get along- as to me that would make sense as we see each other so often. He ended up getting angry and I ended up getting really upset. He is quite a manipulative guy and I don't know why I even want to be friends, but I don't want to hold any anger towards him because that will only hurt me. The thing is- he just hurts me over and over. I just want to be over my feelings for him and I just what to be friends with him, I think. Am I deluded? How do you get over someone when you see them all the time, and see them with other people? Meanwhile I look on and it breaks my heart. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): You need to completely step away from being involved in this guy's life. You need some space and time away to think long and hard. Take this time and really, really evaluate him to see how he fits into your whole life.
Get your thoughts and feelings into perspective, hun. Right now, you can't bear the thought of life without him. You may be even feeling all this is your fault and you are likely feeling alone and desperate. You want to be with him on any terms. Possibly, his terms?
Your symptoms are painfully familiar. Many women have been there. The fear of losing control, the yearning to be with a guy again. You must relaize your feelings and behavior is out of control, yet you're unable to put the brakes on the urge to want to constantly see him. Some women panic over suddenly being alone, together with a feeling of rejection. These painful feelings can trigger clinging behavior. Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on, not letting go and this is what you need to do, hun....let go. When a woman is in a clinging state, she can become so desperate she will resort to behavior that is humiliating and bordering on masochistic.
What is the healthy thing to do when you're having a irresistible urge to keep loving a man, who is not interested anymore? The trick is to feel your feelings, and to not act them out. It will take a great deal of self-discipline and work. It's easier to feel something, give in to your feelings and act out. Holding in your feelings, experiencing the feelings, and not acting them out is known as 'containing your feelings'. The key word here is ...Resist, resist, resist.
The whole point of resisting the urge to see your ex bf and share your feelings with him is to avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated. Every time you get rejected you reinforce any feelings of unlovability or desperation you might be struggling with. Being his 'friend,' is preventing you from having a deep and lasting relationship with someone else. You are shortchanging yourself here because your involvement with him is keeping you meeting his needs but he is not getting ultimately close to you.
And even if he does respond to you positively, you may feel momentarily comforted and closer to him, but soon the anguish will return, because you're still not together and then-you'll have to work through your feelings of loss again and again, doubling...tripling your amount of work. Going through the pain without him may seem like passing through a crucible of fire, but if you fight the urges you'll eventually heal and you will feel triumphant and confident of your own inner strength & resources. You have to avoid seeing him at all costs...you'll come out this a stronger person and you will get your self-respect back again. Give it a try..you owe that to yourself. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): you do sound a little deluded. Why do you try to have a friendship with someone who hurts you so much? It sounds like you cant have his love so you want his friendship- and the painful thing is that you are no tgetting that either. I dont what you can do, maybe go see someone to talk to them about it so you dont have to talk to him? go well :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): hi there. This sounds really painful. You need to find a way to not let him keep hurting you- and the only was you can do this is by not GIVING him the cahnce to keep hurting you. Keep away, dont try and talk to him about ANYTHING. Any answer that you need to know is that he is a dick, he is crap, he is a loser. That is your answer. Dont try and look for anything else because you wont get it. PLEASE do yourdelf a favour and stay away.
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female
reader, not again +, writes (21 November 2005):
Yes, I think that not seeing him again is a good idea. Ive been in the same position before. You can keep trying to get things from him- answers, friendship, whateevr, but at the end of the day if he doesnt want to give it to yuo then he wont and then you'll just keep getting hurt. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): You need some time away from seeing him to close the wounds on the hurt and pain that relationship and situation has caused you .. i know you see him all the time but you really need to find a way of not seeing him if you can help it so you can settle everything in your mind and heart before you can try and make a friendship from what was once a big part of your life .. believe me what might seem hard to do now will save you alot of pain and heartache in the future.
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