A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this will probably be long....I've just broken up with my partner. We'd been together just over a year but had been close friends for 5 years. I thought I knew him well...Our friendship was incredible, best of friends before we got together, I've been treated very badly before and everyone was convinced he would be the one to sweep me off my feet and treat me like a queen. When we were friends he was so caring and considerate, always bringing me gifts, taking me out and being a gentleman.. Holding doors, pulling out chairs, insisting on paying for everything.. And not in a romantic way, that's just how he was.He'd made it obvious for the past couple of years that his feelings were stronger than just friends for me and eventually when we did get together things were amazing for the first 6 moths.Then he started becoming controlling, refusing to let me go out with my friends, insisting I dedicate all my time to him. Then he started spending my money, when I confronted him he threw something at the window in my house and broke it, before taking my car keys and leaving. He turned into a monster.I have finally broken the relationship off and we have been apart for a week now with no contact, yet I find myself missing him. I don't miss him, the man he turned in to, I miss the old him, my friend of so long, the first 6 months of our relationship, I miss that terribly and can't understand how he changed so much. I knew him for such a long time that I thought I knew him well but I didn't know him at all.I know I will never go back to him, I was physically and emotionally abused in a previous relationship and I hate it. He is now spreading vile rumours about me to our friends and his family, who I got on well with. I have no way to defend myself but don't want these people thinking bad of me. I hate what he has become, I hate that he has turned this round on me and made it all out to be my fault when I know it's not. I hate most of all that I lost my best friend, who I didn't actually know at all.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 First off, congratulation in ending it with him. That was a big step. No do try and remember that the NICE guy you dated the first 6 months WASN'T really him. That was the guy he WANTED you to see and fall for. So try and stop missing him, that was a fictional character.
Secondly, you can't control what he says or does and you certainly can't control what others will think. Just remember people who know you will know it's bogus. And people who know and CARE for you will ask you and then you can set them right. Don't live in fear of rumors.
Keep the no contact, keep moving on.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2014):
 He is still trying to control you buy what he's doing, and the truth is, they won't be thinking badly about you. They're thinking about how utterly vile he is. If you're missing him, tell yourself that the way he is treating you now is confirmation that you made the right decision by dropping him. All you have to say if someone you know brings up what he says is - "I'm so glad to be free of him. His verbal diarrhea you're hearing now was unbearable while I was still with him". And they'll get it. Disgusting behavior after a breakup shows no one but the jerk doing it in a bad light, and ranks up there with posting revenge videos on the internet, defamation on Facebook, and the like.
If he really goes overboard and spews lies about you and ignoring it doesn't work and he starts really crossing lines, you can sue him in court for defamation of character and slander (libel if he's doing it by email or Facebook or texting). If someone has proof that he is texting, ask for a copy. Save every email proof, and I'm sure you'll have many pissed-off witnesses who can attest to his boorish behavior.
Otherwise, the best way of making him shut up is to act like he does not exist. Treat his acting out like you'd treat someone who passes loud, nasty smelling gas in public - ignore it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): If these people really know you; how can they believe vile rumors about you?
I think you're searching for an excuse to confront him. If someone I considered a friend believed trash from an ex, they wouldn't be a friend anymore.
If you're not in communication with him, or his circle of friends; you wouldn't care. I think you're old enough to know the old adage of "sticks and stones." You can't control what people say, and you can't control with they believe.
People who truly care about you, will defend you. Not listen to rumors and gossip.
Stay no contact, find new friends, and stay away from his family. Simple remedy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): I'm sorry about what you went through but it sounds like breaking up with him was the best thing you could do for yourself, as you said he was a monster, you deserve better. No matter how much you miss him, it's vital you maintain no contact.
The reason he is spreading rumours is that he can no longer directly control you, so he can only do it indirectly through friends.
It ma be hard for a while going through all of this, but rise above his childish tactics. I would keep it simple with your friends, say that he is intent on spreading rumours and turning people against yourself to make you desperate enough to go back to him, there's no truth to what he's sayin, and please try to understand. If they are good friends they will understand or at least stay out op it, if they don't well they weren't friendsworth having to begin with.
Stay strong
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