A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I split up because he couldn't handle a stressful situation that we had no control over..he just couldn't step up to the plate and give support when needed. Now the situation is over, it is two months since I moved out and the whole thing is resolved and and the person involved admitted it was all untrue, it involved my son. My husband says now he needs time and space to think things over and he isn't sure what he wants or what he will decide. He calls me constantly looking for things and asking me where things might be in the house we shared even though he moved everything around. He also calls me to tell me about his injuries and emails me for other matters that have no significance. I am wondering if he needs space and time and wants no contact why he is contacting me up to 3 or 4 times a week, especially if he says it could take him up to 2 or 3 years to decide if he wants to be married.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Sorry to hear that he didn't step up. You now know where you stand in his priorities. As to why it would take him 2-3 years to decide to reconcile? That's an odd time frame to work through. Were there other problems prior to this? How long were you married?
See a divorce attorney. Make an appointment with a marriage therapist. Decide how long YOU are willing to tolerate a separation before making it permanent.
Maybe he needs a chance to say he's sorry but can't get the words out? Maybe he's not sorry and he's working through the anger following the 'trauma' he's been put through. Whatever the situation inside his head, either he's working to restore the marriage or he is not. It should be fairly obvious to you right now which that is. Go with that.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2011):
 I agree that you need to take back some control...
I think giving him a time frame to decide if you really want to let him do that is fine but I would say 90 days or so and after that YOU can file for divorce.
It's sad but if he can't support you emotionally the way you need then what's the point in being his partner?
As for him contacting you, I think you need to set parameters, when my ex moved out in march he was in contact with me constantly... then he moved in with his GF and now he leaves me alone totally... perhaps your husband does not know how to be alone.... and he needs to learn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice so much to everyone that offered. To the person that indicated my son was a criminal...the girl that accused my son, accused him because she wanted to date his best friend. She has done this 3 times, including a married father of 3 and has backed down all 3 times. My son was accused of watching and guarding a door, he is captain of the football team and quarterback as well and was not even present. He was at an awards banquet with 150 people, the principal, coaches and parents including us, the accused friend was also there receiving an award. Her "witnesses" did not know what she was talking about but because she was a female it was taken seriously. As for my husband, we live in a small town and he is a business owner. His first words to me were "he didn't do it but I have to worry about my business" don't forget he is not the father. My son is an honors student, athlete, strong community member and one of the most popular kids in school....and all because a girl wanted a date. Thank you again to all for your input and not all kids are criminals sometimes they are victims, maybe its just the bad ones that ruin it, this girl is finally in a facility receiving the help she needs.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 July 2011):
 If this was MY situation.. Oh wait! I DID live this life! Except my ex moved out and I stayed, but all the behaviors you mentioned on your husband's part, my ex did that too.
What I would do again-get a counselor and go even if he will not. Tell him that you are not waiting around to figure out what he decides to do with his life. (Since he views his life as solely HIS as a married and and the rest of the family is merely support staff.)
You are going to decide what to do with YOUR life and put limits on it.
*If he calls, do not answer
*Let him figure out where stuff is.
*Go to counseling and discuss if YOU want to wait or be single again. If you are willing to wait, have a deadline and insist HE go to counseling too.
*Get support from OTHER people
In a nutshell, I would be telling him "I will have nothing to do with you right now. I am going to take care of me and offer support to our son that he needs. When you feel you have some answers for your conduct and what part you want to play in our family, we can schedule an appointment at the counselors."
At this time, do not mention divorce. You do not want to throw out any empty threats on YOUR end. If you bring that up, you really want to mean it and lead by example.
Sadly, my ex did this same wishy washy act to me for years. I DID wait. Finally, I had enough and got counseling to deal with the grieving process and a lawyer to sort thru the legal process.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 July 2011):
If this was MY situation.. Oh wait! I DID live this life! Except my ex moved out and I stayed, but all the behaviors you mentioned on your husband's part, my ex did that too.
What I would do again-get a counselor and go even if he will not. Tell him that you are not waiting around to figure out what he decides to do with his life. (Since he views his life as solely HIS as a married and and the rest of the family is merely support staff.)
You are going to decide what to do with YOUR life and put limits on it.
*If he calls, do not answer
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 July 2011):
If this was MY situation.. Oh wait! I DID live this life! Except my ex moved out and I stayed, but all the behaviors you mentioned on your husband's part, my ex did that too.
What I would do again-get a counselor and go even if he will not. Tell him that you are not waiting around to figure out what he decides to do with his life. (Since he views his life as solely HIS as a married and and the rest of the family is merely support staff.)
You are going to decide what to do with YOUR life and put limits on it.
*If he calls, do not answer
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (15 July 2011):
for the sake of your own mental health and sanity, I would suggest that you give him a deadline by which he has to make a decision and that anything other than a resounding "yes" to staying married, will be taken as a "no." If your deadline comes and he's still waffling and non-committal and unsure if he wants to stay married or not, then consider that as a "no." Because in a way it is already a decision - by not deciding "yes", it's by default a 'no.'
Often it's a lot more stressful and agonizing to be in limbo and uncertain indefinitely, than to have an unpleasant but definite outcome which you dont' like. At least with the latter you can then focus your energy on moving on and healing whereas uncertainty keeps you stuck neither able to move forward nor go backward. The stress of this can be very severe, so I think it's in your best interests to push for a resolution on a time frame that you can handle so that you can move on if need be.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (15 July 2011):
i would tell him you want a divorce are you really going to wait around for him for 2-3 years while he decides if he wants you or not no way would i do that you could be getting on with your life and meet someone new who will treat you right in that time
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (15 July 2011):
"I think you should give him the time and space he needs"... really...??? Yes, give it to him via a divorce. Cut the contact and let him grow up. He's not letting you heal and get past his lack of ability to cope with life... He's created a sore, and picks the scab off ever week... at this rate you'll never heal!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Couldn't step up to the plate to give support when it was needed......tells you about his injuries and other things which you find are of no significance. Sounds like YOU are the problem to me and if I was him....I would leave you and your criminal son to fend for yourselves.
Every man cannot handle stress the same way. A doctor could handle 1000 patients and be that hero and miracle worker to all 1000, but cannot and won't be able to handle a close relative in the same crisis. A firefighter can safely run into a burning building to save strangers, but will panic and perish if it comes to his own home and children. What type of support did you want from your husband concerning YOUR son? I'm about family.....I have very strong family values, but if my son was charged with a crime and I felt he did it....I would support him, stand behind him, but it would be limited.
Case in point. My nephew was accused of sexually assaulting a female bus driver. My family knew that he had emotional issues for a long time. I was there for my sister and I was there for my nephew, but I didn't hire the best lawyer, I didn't go to court with them at every court hearing, nor did I put up alot of money to defend him
I stepped up, but I didn't step up 100%, because I felt he was guilty and had to take responsibility for his actions.
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A
female
reader, StillStanding +, writes (15 July 2011):
Aunty is right, it seems like he would like to be single again, but does not want you to move on just in case. I also was married to a man who could not cope with real life issues and has difficulty managing day to day life (we have two children). The truth of the matter is "stuff" happens. Tell him to cut the crap and grow up. Life stops for no one - LIVE YOURS!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2011):
If you're unhappy with the level of contact, set your own rules. Where was it decreed that HE gets to decide the level of contact? And taking 2-3 years to decide if he wants to stay married? That's a pretty clear indicator that he DOESN'T want to stay married. It buys him time and puts you in limbo.
I went through a similar breakup once. I wasn't married but I wound up waiting on a guy to decide if we were together or not (the ex was in the picture). I stupidly told him, 'oh, you decide when you decide, I'll be waiting for you.' A good male friend of mine took me aside and told me that I had ceded control of the entire situation over to a wishy-washy guy.
I had an epiphany. I realized that I wasn't happy with the situation and it was up to ME to decide what was best for ME. I decided that if this guy couldn't commit after the time we'd had together, I wasn't going to wait around, put my life on hold, basically accept the crumbs of the relationship, just because HE couldn't make up his wishy-washy mind.
I took control back. I told the guy, 'I'm not waiting around. I am back on the market, if you want to date me or be with me, you will have to step up now.'
It was hard at the time, but it was soooo empowering and I am so glad I was rid of him in the end. He wound up back with the toxic ex. She can have him.
I'd say that you have given a lot away right now. You were the one who moved out, a bad idea in divorce planning. You are waiting for him to make up his mind. You are accepting his calls.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd be meeting with a good divorce attorney and getting my ducks in a row. There are things that are counter-intuitive in divorce, like assets, money, all those things, at least in the US. I don't know Canadian law at all, but it seems to me you want an expert in YOUR corner.
This doesn't mean you aren't working on fixing the marriage but it does prevent you being taken for a ride and left with nothing.
I guess the whole point of my advice is that you need to TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL. If you want to repair the marriage, start seeing a marriage counselor. Go even if your husband doesn't. Get the best attorney you can, I think it's worth the price of one visit to get a strategy in place that will protect you and your children.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 A few years? He simply wants to keep you hanging on in the back ground just in case he finds he cant do it on his own.
NExt time he contacts you regarding insignificant matters (or significant ones), tell him you are too busy learning how to be a single woman to be able to help, and that he should contact you after a year or two if he still needs help.
If you do want to get back with him let him know he is going to have to do a lot of work, starting with regular counselling sessions, otherwise I would just be telling him where to go!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (15 July 2011):
 I think you should give him the time and space he needs. But he's not helping himself by calling you. So tell him to stop calling and get himself together. Let him know that when he's ready to really handle things, you will be there to make it happen. But avoid contact as much as possible, if possible.
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