A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, cutting a long story short, a few months ago my ex who still has feelings for me became very ill (we're still friends and have contact at his request). Around the same time I met someone else who's ex treated him terribly and left him/cheated on him with her ex (not that he's shown any insecure behaviour).Now a few months later my new relationship is going well but I don't know how to tell my ex about it. He's still very ill, been diagnosed with a serious illness and can't even leave the house. He's extremely depressed and doesn't have many supportive family or friends so I feel I should wait until he's feeling better before I mention it. However I don't want my current partner to start worrying about it, e.g why I don't want to put stuff on Facebook. So I'm thinking I should tell him my reasons. Just wondering if people think this is the best choice?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 November 2014):
 This is interesting to hear, because I am in the exact same position. I could have written this question myself. My ex is also very ill, it was life threatening in periods. I have not told my ex about my new boyfriend, but my new boyfriend knows that I am friends with my ex. However I don't have much contact with my ex, and I honestly doubt that my ex still has lingering hopes of us getting back together. In your case, your ex still having feelings for you... I interpret this as he wants to get back with you? If not, then feelings still being there could just be something that will take time to go away.
I can say I still have feelings for my ex, in the sense that I care about him and hope he will get better and that he can go back to living a normal life once again. But when I ended things with him it was done and over with for my sake. My new boyfriend was a bit unsure about whether or not I had been single for "long enough", as I went from breaking up with my ex and to entering a new relationship relatively quickly (officially I was single for just two months, but in reality it had been more like 6 months where my ex had been ill and couldn't function as a human, let alone as a boyfriend). But the time frame has been all he's worried over, because I do not see my ex often (maybe once a month, or less), and I don't talk about him much, and I am giving my love and care to my new boyfriend. I know that my new boyfriend has nothing to worry about, and it shows.
I do not keep my new relationship a secret from anyone else besides my ex. Everyone else knows, and it is likely that my ex will hear about it. But the way I see it, I don't want to keep it hidden from my ex, it's just that he's never asked, and there's not really any conversation where it comes up naturally either. I am worried he will see it as me showing off, and I think that's both unnecessary and possibly cruel. The way I see it, if he wants to know whether I am in a new relationship or not, he will ask. Unless he asks, why should I push his face into it?
As for facebook? I post pictures and updates etc on facebook. You can simply click on who you want to see your updates, and who shouldn't get to see them. I do this all the time, because I have family and former co-workers etc on facebook, and don't need them to read things meant for girlfriends. So when writing something about my new boyfriend, I can just say that my ex (and/or all my ex's friends too) should not be able to see the post. Problem solved.
However, Im not much of a facebooker, and my new boyfriend is even LESS of a facebooker. Last time I wanted to mention him in a post he asked me not to, haha! He isn't much for posting on there. So for me this hasn't really been a problem at all.
I say take it as it comes. It's your life, you need to do what you feel is right, and not do what others think you should do. You got to follow your instincts. I dread telling my ex because I think it will be an uncomfortable situation, and honestly Ive never been friends with exes before, but am making an exception for this last one because of his illness and it's good for him to have friends to support him. I think he will have to ask me before I tell him (we're friends, but not girl friends, so I don't feel a need at all to gush to him about new loves...)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): My God, I didn't expect to find such heartless answers on here (not all of them so thanks to those who answered compassionately).To start with my current partner knows I'm still in contact with him and I haven't refused to put anything on Facebook YET, which is why I was asking. I can accept that this may cause problems and from the advice, I won't. I can also see how it may be giving my ex false hope, even though I did make it painfully clear when we broke up there was no chance of getting back together (I never developed any feelings for him and the relationship was short) and he has never tried anything or brought up the issue, it's more a feeling on my part. However, I owe him loyalty as a FRIEND. Admittedly I can't/won't disclose everything on here but he's in a terrible place right now. I would never just abandon any of my friends if they were in that situation.Reading these comments, if my current partner has a problem then so be it. I want to be in a relationship with someone kind, caring and secure. If our positions were reversed, I'd be understanding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): If I were your current boyfriend I would be extremely uncomfortable with you hiding our relationship for the sake of your ex. Seriously, if you told me this and we'd just started going out I would think there is too much drama and call it a day with you.Your ex knows you're not together so it wouldn't be a complete shocker that you're *gasp* seeing someone else.It's horrible obviously that he's not well BUT he's not your responsibility. You know he's still got feelings for you and you stayed in touch with him whilst seeing someone else knowing that he's carrying a torch for you. There are 2 things wrong with this. You're leading your ex on and giving him false hope which isn't a very nice thing to do, especially when he's this vulnerable. Secondly, it isn't very nice to your current boyfriend. Does he know that the ex still has feelings for you and is he happy with this?In your shoes I'd really think about whether I'm ready to date again because you're sort of in between right now. If you are committed to your relationship then there shouldn't be disloyalty and lies (staying in touch with an ex who has feelings for you and conveniently not mentioning his lingering feelings counts as a lie by omission in my books).If you are serious about the new guy then don't not do things in your relationship eg. photos on facebook that you would otherwise do on account of the effect it will have on your ex. You know your boyfriend's ex cheated on him with her ex so why would you want to introduce doubt and potentially rock the boat by having dubious relations with your ex? His past has nothing to do with you, true, but having been cheated on he's probably a little more sensitive about the whole thing than average. If you're with this new man then be with him properly without an ex hanging in the shadows. Illnesses and tragedies are part of life and in this case, you chose not to be there for better or for worse with your ex.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 Your loyalty is to your new partner. NOT your ex.
YOU owe your ex NOTHING... his care and feeding is not your problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): Put it on facebook, just don't tell him (your ex) about it unless he specifically asks. I would not hide it from social media, that would cause contentions between you and your partner which is silly.
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A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (19 November 2014):
its very nice of you to think that way and to be supportive of him. But hiding it away from him is just in a way going to hold him back. And also it may hold things for you and your current partner ie him get suspicious etc
you will just be dragging out the process of him getting over you
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A
female
reader, Fari +, writes (19 November 2014):
 Its good that you are concerned for your ex especially since he is in a very fragile position. What you can do is wait until your ex has reached at a stable state then tell him and at the same time you can explain your concerns to your boyfriend. Hope this helps.
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