A
female
age
41-50,
*ads.life
writes:Hi Everyone, I have recently been told that I have possible tumors in my utrius. I am having further tests in a couple of weeks. My ex husband and I have been divorced for 2 years now and we are still close friends. Both of my children live with him, B female is 15 and S male is 13. I told my ex what is going on with me and last night the kids father decided to tell our daughter. I live 5 hours away currently until next year when I move closer to them. I am very angry that he went ahead and told our daughter. He has told her it is possible I have cancer. This has upset her very much and she already has a lot on her plate dealing with school and looking at having to repeat yr 10 as she is failing. I feel this is a conversation that should have been had when we knew more and I was there to tell her as well. When I told him this morning I was not happy he did this as he is putting added stress on her. I feel helpless as she is very upset and scared. Her father says that we shouldn't lie to our children ever. And I don't see it as lying I see it as protecting her until we know all of the facts, putting all this unnecessary stress on her. Am I right in being mad at him for telling her when it should be something we should have done together as parents. And with the correct information, I am going in for a hystroectomy early next year. But I feel he has taken away my right to inform her if it is cancer. How do I handle this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 Did you tell him NOT to tell her or did you just assume he felt the way you did and would not tell her.
IF you did not tell him NOT to tell her then you can't really fault him for feeling differently than you do as he is a different person.
For me Tumors in the uterus sounds like fibroid which is not all that dangerous just annoying and painful and affects fertility and makes for horrid periods...
next time you share something with your ex make sure to be very specific about what he should and should not say to the children.
and i'm glad your daughter is feeling better... it's got to be scary for all of you right now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Please don't put so much energy into anger, that will lower your resistance. Stay positive. Now you see that letting your daughter know wasn't a bad thing. The frustration of the illness and the fear of the unknown is getting to you.
You now have the additional support of your daughter. Fight to get well with all your strength, and stop wasting it on anger.
My prayers and very best go out to you and your loved ones! You'll beat this!
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A
female
reader, mads.life +, writes (25 October 2013):
mads.life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. I was very angry this morning. My children and I have a very close bond. My daughter only moved up to live with her father 2 weeks ago, due to her grades slipping here. She made the decision to go back to her home town. Their father and I separated 5 years ago due to him having another affair. I just couldn't take any more the last one was his 3rd. He had a serious accident on his motor bike 3 years ago which is when my son chose to move back with dad to help him out. My daughter is an old soul and after talking with her today she is a lot calmer. My ex dropped her to my mother today which is an hour and a half from where they are and where i am moving to when I have my operation. My mother sat her down and explained it all to her even letting her look it up on the web. So I thank you all for your replies and support and well wishes. I will be very honest I am very much scared of what is going to happen. B said she is glad her dad told her and she understands why I wanted to wait but she is thankful to know right now. Cos aged may be too late.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): I would be angry as well and agree it was something you should have spoken to your children together about or even better coming from you when you had more information.
I would talk to your daughter and explain that you are having tests done but nothing has been confirmed. If she wants she can then research these things for herself and see that not all tumors are cancerous and if they are she can read about survival rates (if she wants to)
I don't know what your relationship is with your children but we've always been a close family and are able to talk things through. Also depends if you daughter and son are mature, some teenager are and some are not.
Each person has different coping mechanisms. Some surprise you and are stronger than you expect them to be.
I was 6years old when my mum was first diagnosed with cancer. Even though I was very young my parents had to tell me because I saw my mother get sicker every day, but it was the way I was told that I was able to cope.
The second time my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was 18 at the time and just ready to go to uni. I remember saying to my mum if this had been kept from me I would have been angry that it was kept from me. When my mum got confirmation it was terminal we were taken into a room as a family and then told it was terminal and we were offered counseling.
Looking back I am grateful things were not hidden from me and they respected me enough to keep me in the loop and it also meant I could give support.
Good luck with everything and I really hope you get good news x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): I understand your wanting to protect the children. It's natural. What's done is done. She would never forgive either of you, if she had to find it out any other way. You need the strength and love of all of your family around you. You're the one who has to deal with the worst part of it. Let them help you through this. Don't be angry. You have enough on your plate as well.
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