A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I had a wonderful/fantastic relationship with an ex (Sophie),we even talked about marriage. We were always 100% honest with each other.Anyway we split some time ago as I was working abroad and she couldnt handle a LDR.She recently tracked me down via Facebook, and we met up for a meal. We talked for ages, just like we did when we were together and we were 100% honest with each other...she told me a lot of personal stuff which surprised me considering the time we have been apart.(more a catch up/getting to know each other rather than remenising about the time we were together)She kept asking me why I wasnt married..her comments were.."...god I thought you'd been snapped up ages ago..". She said this 2x during our evening meal. I told her that I had been close a couple of times, but things were complicated.The thing is, I told her a white lie. the closest I had been to getting married was when we were together. I have had many other realtionships since then..but she was VERY special. There was one other lady, who I considered, but she turned out to be very nasty when we were on a break..due to my work load/travelling.I am due ot meet Sophie again soon, and I know that she will ask the q again. The Dilemma I have is Do I tell her as I hate telling lies..even if they are a little white lie.BTW the chemisrty/affection between us is still there. I'm not sure if she wants to try again or why she has suddenly decided to track me downAll of this has left me very confused recently...not able to concentrate @ work, sleep etc since she contacted me.Alot of feelings have resurfaced and I was shocked that we still go on SOOO well and that the spark/chemistry was still very much alive n kicking after such a long time apart.She has phoned me several times, but each time we speak she sounds very sad/unhappy.Sorry I am terribly confused at the moment, I cant think straight.Please dont judge me. I dont want to do anything wrong/improper. I dont know what to do/think. This has really blown me away.Sorry to ramble on. I just want to meet her again and try to find out whats going on with her and find out why she has tracked me down. She must have known how dangerous that would have been didnt she?. I mean how many people would contact "the one" after you break up and why?She is MARRIED!! so do I tell her or not?Thnaks for your support in advance
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female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 If you and she are this close and in tune with each other after all these years tyhe where you can still tell when she has pain in her eyes, theres nothing wrong with being there for her as a friend as you were before. About admitting the real reason why you're not married, I don't see why you didn't tell her in the first place. If you two are candid and up front with each other you should have been honest with her when she asked. But you didn't and thats ok, because it doesn't really matter in the larger scheme of things. The fact is you aren't married, regardless of the reason. But it's why shes so unhappy with her life I wonder? Was she seeking you out in the hopes you will fix this for her or just because you understand her so well? You sound qualified enough for that job if fixing is what she's after, as you still have very strong, positive feelings for her. Either way though, it's not a crime to catch up on how lifes been all these years or to omit the little details of your reasoning behind staying single. I don't think I answered your question but I do wish you all the best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Seeingstars,
Thanks for taking the time to reply and your comments.
Let me reiterate. Nothing happend on the nite. We talked as we were 2 freinds meeting after not seeing each other for many yrs. NOT like 2 former lovers meeting to resume where they had left off.
On the nite that we met I dont think that we flirted just talked openly and honestly with each other about our lives since we "worked together" in the local supermarket. To an independant observer, the love and affection that exists was obvious if you had seen us together. This was natural, and not something that either of us were looking for. Its funny, that when we were an item, people told us they "could see" the chemistry.
There was this sadness/deep hurt in her when she talked openly about her hubby/family. I saw the same expression in her eyes when she made the comment about my single status. (and no i didnt imagine this as this was an expression that I had not seen before. Let me explain, Sophie has these amazing eyes & I could always tell what she was thinking back then...happy/sad/jealous/confused/annoyed/embarrassed/in the mood for some loving ;) etc. I was surprised to see the new "expressions in her eyes")
I know how things could go if I entered into a realationship with her...but dont worry I cant go down that road as she's married.
My comments "Please feel free to leave an objective comment, but dont try to judge/moralise/critise me" was not aimed at you but at some of the many "agony aunts" on here, as I find that many dont read/ans the q, but simply put thier oar in.
The Q was should I be 100% honest with her if she asks me the "Why arent you married..." again..I know I may be a rare breed of man, but I dont like to lie :)..as I said we were always 100% honest with each other...that was one of the many aspects that made her so special to me.
Thanks for yr comments once again..any new comments that ans the Q are most welcome
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): You like this womans character? Well, she's been brewing up a relationship with another man while she is married. She may get along great with you but she's got very little honor in her if you ask me. Think of her husband she's got at home. I'm sure he's a great guy too, but that hasn't stopped her from attempting to pursue you before she's in the clear to so such a thing. I'm sorry but I can't imagine how you will ever trust her if you did end up with her again, I'm sure you'll always have this in the back of your mind, what she's doing to her current partner now. Ask her if you all could get together sometime & see what she's says about that. If it's "no way" or an something similar, then she's actively decieving someone and is acting out of selfishness. Maybe she just wants you to be her "Mr.ress"? But give yourslef a break for the white lie. There are bigger lies going on somewhere in that situation, I'm sure of it. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Thank you for the extra information. I personally very much doubt she is looking to be "just friends". From what you have said, the body language, the comments she made, things like that, it is pretty clear to me that she is looking for more. Maybe she is not the kind of person to try and engage in an outright affair. Maybe she is just looking for comfort, familiarity, a longing for the past. I don't know. But things can and will develop. The message she sent you (Flattery WILL get you everywhere) was, in my eyes, very inappropriate. She is married, and that comment was rather flirty.
I don't know the whole picture here, and of course I don't know what the personalities involved are like. Perhaps she is just a very friendly lady who says things like this to everyone. But since you say you felt "more" between you, a connection and a spark...it suggests to me that she is looking for more. In all honesty, I think she is walking a fine line here between being friendly...and being outright inappropriate.
I certainly think you should ask her what she is doing, what she wants, what she is expecting...if she says just friendship, tell her what you have described here. Tell her you feel a connection, that there is something there. Ask her if she feels the same. I think there is no point in hiding your feelings, and a clearer sense of what is going on is important. I get the sense that you already know this is more than just friendship. This has the potential to get messy. I think you need to tread very carefully here, and don't allow her to play any games with your feelings.
Again, these are just my opinions on the situation. Goodness no, I am not trying to judge or criticise you, or anyone else involved in the situation. If anything I have said has given you that impression, I do apologise, that is not my intention at all. I'm just offering my objective viewpoint here. Ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
I dont know what she said to her hubby about meeting me or even if she told him. I'm sure she did as she is a very honest person.
We were 2 friends meeting, (couldnt be anything else as she is married and I had moved on along time ago)in a VERY public place, after a long time with no contact.
We didnt talk about "us" back then..just about our lives since we last saw each other. She was very sad when she talked about the circumstances of her family & hubby (how she met him etc..) she didnt say it with any love or affection (as many would), just what appeared to be regret (I could tell by the look in her eyes.). She was also very upset that the store that we met in had closed...come to think of it, she seemed to be hankering back to those days and the great times that we had.
The "spark" was not just from me...her body language mirrored mine the whole evening (she picked up her glass when i did..leant forward when i did..looked away when she told me of some personal issues..just as i had when I told her about some issues that had effected me. We were so engrosed in each other that I dont think that we noticed anyone else and the conversation just flowed. Sophie was very keen to learn about me & my hobbies/interests. She wanted to know where I lived/hung out & about my social life & she kept bringing up things that we now/still have in common..as if it was a 1st date & we were getting to know each other again!!
At the end of the evening when I walked her to her car, she walked very close to me(almost touching).If I had offered my arm to her or had put around her shoulders, I could tell that she would have liked/wanted that( you had to be there). We kept constant eye contact during the meeting..it reminded me of the time we were an item.
Saying goodnite was also difficult (as it was back then), she was reluctant to go but had to as it was a week nite. I kissed her on both cheeks, gave her a hug and thanked her for a lovely evening..she kissed me back (x4) and hugged/cuddled me but didnt let go..even after I did. She then asked me if we could meet again soon. I felt that she wanted to tell me something...
I sms'd her the next day to thank her for a great eve...and told her that she had got even better (if possible) with age...and got the message back " flattery WILL get you everywhere"
Sophie has called me several times since we met and we chatted for a while , but then she had to go due to her family committments.
BTW Sophie is a very intelligent lady. She's not the type who would cheat (she didnt cheat with me..although she was asked out by loads of guys all the time)
My feelings for her are somewhat confused after her comments. But I can control my feelings for her (just have to think of her hubby..lol). I think I know what women mean when they say"...GOD Thought you'd have been snapped up yrs ago"...(she said it to me 2x on the nite and 1x on the phone when we 1st spoke...and she kept asking me if I had been close to it...I had to tell her a white lie as per my original post) but I am interested in finding out what the ladies out there think (esp the English/brits due to the cultural differences between the Brits & other nations).
Please feel free to leave an objective comment, but dont try to judge/moralise/critise me
So do I tell her? as I said we were always 100% honest with each other thats what was SOO great about the relationship
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I'm 100% with SeeingStars. You should lay it all out, and move on. This relationship will cause tension, and unless she is planning on leaving her partner, you don't want to get involved. You might ask if that's the case. There IS a reson she contacted you, and it could very well be for friendship and reminiscing. But it's fishy. I would not like my wife or GF having a meal with an ex love. Just too risky. And if she did it without him knowing, that is definitely a red flag that she wants more. I'd thank her for reaching out to you, but politely explain that you have not moved on yet, and seeing each other will complicate things. Offer to stay in touch, but by E-mail or text or whatever...not face to face meetings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): It could be that she has tracked you down out of curiosity, and wants to just be friends. An ex of mine recently did that. He tracked me down on Facebook out of the blue. He is in a relationship though, so I was a bit worried as to what he wanted. But it is purely friendship. I have no feelings for him now, and as far as I know neither does he.
So maybe she is just genuinely interested to know what you have been doing since you last spoke, and does not mean anything by it. The "spark" you feel could be from your end only, if that makes sense. Maybe she does not feel any spark at all. But because you still have feelings for her, you imagine she must be feeling the same thing.
Of course, there is always the chance that she IS confused about what she wants. But she is married, so if she is contacting you for reasons other than friendship, it is an unwise idea.
I think you should ask her outright why exactly she has contacted you after all this time. What does she want? Just friendship? And yes, I think you should tell her how you feel. It will be very difficult to hide your feelings, so I think it might be better to just be upfront right away.
Because of all the emotions this has stirred up inside of you, I honestly don't think it is a good idea to have contact with this lady. Regardless of what she wants, it will be difficult. If she wants more than friendship, it is a bad idea. If she simply wants friendship, I think it will be painful for you, and confusing. If you still have strong feelings for her, I think any kind of involvement with her will just cause you pain.
Okay, I personally would suggest telling her that because of the feelings you still have, you cannot have contact with her, because it is too painful for you. And then move on again. That is just my advice. Of course, it is entirely up to you what you choose to do here. But I think it might be a good idea to try and wait until your emotions have calmed down a little, put them to one side, and think about this situation. Think about yourself here, and what would be best for you. Nobody can possibly know what may happen, but I think that if you have any involvement with this lady, as a friend or whatever else, it will just cause you pain and confusion. I think people might get hurt.
Just my thoughts anyway. Good luck with things.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 wow, Two times during your evening meal she said .."...god I thought you'd been snapped up ages ago..".
Where was her husband, was he invited, did he know where his wife was, and with who, did she lie to him to be with you?
You don't want to do anything wrong or improper huh? Well, next time, instead of a tete a tete why not invite the husband along as well.
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