A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:hey guys, sorry if this is long but im at my wits end and really need an unbiased opinion on my situation! Basically, Im 26 and am a single mum to a 7 week old baby. The father is someone who I was seeing last year but we split before i knew i was pregnant. It was unplanned but I had been told I probably couldnt have children as I have polycystic ovaries and endometriosis. He also told me he couldnt have children because he was on strong medication that caused infertility in men. I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant and did not want an abortion. When I found out I was pregnant he said he would stand by me but we didnt get back together. He said he would help me buy the baby things and stuff but stay single. This was fine by me. Then when I was 3 months pregnant, my landlord told me I had to leave my property as no children allowed. So I had to raise £1500 to move into a bigger place which allowed children. On my wage, this would have taken me months to save. So I asked my ex if he could help out but he said no. So I had to raise that money by myself therefore getting myself into debt by missing loan payments so I could save money. Meanwhile, my ex was living at home with his parents (hes in his 30s) getting good money from his job as an engineer and having no debts to pay. Yet he couldnt help me. On top of this, my car failed its MOT but I could not affrord to pay for repairs so for 3 months went without a car. I couldnt afford to buy anyone xmas presents and I worked overtime and weekends just to raise the cash. This drove a massive wedge between me and my ex and I stopped talking to him. I just couldnt understand why he let me struggle. To make things worse, I knew that he was still going out drinking at the weekends with his friends and he was even sleeping with someone else. I know he can do what he likes as he is single but it just feels like while I struggled to support myself and the baby he was out having a good time. When my friends would see him and ask him why he was not supporting me his answer was " I dont need to be there til the baby is born" . This is what makes me hate him. Whilst not talking to him, I then find out his family are telling people that my unborn baby isnt his. When I ask him why hes allowing his family to spread nasty gossip about me his reply was " they have freedom of speech and youre not talking to me so they can say what they like". As you can imagine, this drove us apart even further. Towards the end of my pregnancy, we did meet up and came to an amicable arrangement of maintenance once the baby was born. And he even bought a new pram and some other bits. This is all well and good but to me I just dont agree with him letting me struggle for 8 months and then waltzing in when I have 4 weeks left to go. Anyway, my beatiful son was born and for a while me and the ex were getting on albeit only just! I cannot fault him as a dad, he has provided for our son and is really good with him. However, I can tell that there is absolutely no respect for me. When I asked him about this he said "its not about you, Im here for my son". So ok thats fine but doesnt he care that for 8 months I carried him (and as well as having trouble with the ex when i was pregnant, I also suffered back problems and prenatal depression - it was an awful pregnancy and i have vowed never to go through it again), gave birth to him and am now living on my own with him bringing him up the best I can and its hard work! Yet my ex will pick and choose what days to come and see him or what nights to stay over and do the night feeds (he usually does this once a week and sleeps on my sofa), he speaks to me like crap and the other nite shouted at me while he had our son in his arms so I threw him out. He also wont bring our son up the same way that I am - by this I mean I am listening to the advice from my midwife and health visitor with regards to feeding and sleeping etc while he is getting advice from his mother and doing his own thing with our baby. This annoys me no end because our son needs to have a routine and my ex is no doubt disrupting that by doing things in a different way to me. He also tries to get out of doing night feeds and im at the point now where im so exhausted i cant get out of bed til 11am. The other day we were talking and I told him straight that I dont want to be with him. He was shocked but how can he expect me to want to be with him after all this?? So Im at the point now where I can barely look at him and I know its not healthy for our baby. I would never let him not see our son as I think this is the worst thing a parent could do to a child. But its so difficult having to let him come round and when he does I just go out and see friends. So my question is what is the best way to deal with this? His family are having a little gathering tomorrow and have invited my family to get to know each other. But I dont want to go. I dont see why I should go. Why should I go and play happy families after what he's put me through? I dont want anythying to do with him or his family. I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Tell your family about the situation. All of it. How his family has denied that it was his son and how bad he's been treating you. Ask them to help you.
THEN go to the gathering with his family. Tell them, with support from your family, how you don't want your ex to be part of the babies life. Tell them why.
And then NEVER speak to the ex or his family again.
Think of your kid. It's better not to have a bad father as a role model than to have to find some other guy as a rolemodel
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