A
female
age
26-29,
*hianna1111
writes: My ex and I go to the same college. We see each other a lot considering we have many of the same friends. We broke up two months ago because I was stressed out a lot, and he was too about school and things happening with his family. But recently my entire friend group went out, and one of my mutual friends came with me as my date. He was there too, and long story short my ex and I ended up having sex in the restroom. We have had sex at least several times last week. Same thing a few days ago, we hung out and ended up sleeping together. He was my first boyfriend and first, well everything. I am very independent, but I'm finding myself falling into this hole because I can't keep myself together around him. What is wrong with me? Is it because we aren't together which makes it seem more desirable, or is it because I am still in love with him? He's like my best friend, and before the sex, we would have those moments where we could just sense how much we missed each other. Is the sex because of that? Or is it because I am bored. I dunno anymore.
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best friend, broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 July 2018):
 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it is a path a lot of couples go down once the have broken up, it isn’t familiar and it’s what you are used to and yes he is your first love so it’s comfortable. Saying all that it really is not healthy and yes distancing yourself from him is the first step forward. You need to give yourself a chance to heal and get over the relationship, you need to be able to lead your own life without him. Hang out with the girls, do activities you enjoy and keep yourself busy. Remember he is an ex for a reason and having sex with him is only going to mess up your head and you will never give yourself the chance to get over him you will only keep hurting yourself.
A
female
reader, rhianna1111 +, writes (7 July 2018):
rhianna1111 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I took your advice. I distanced myself, stayed away from him. And he stopped by a few days ago to tell me that he didn't want to have sex anymore, that he wanted to start over. I turned him down, to work on myself and my independence and growth. Thank you guys for helping me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): You both still love each other perhaps you more than him but tbat is normal. I suggest you both concentrate to solve your problems together because in the frame of mind in which you both are you can never build a relationship with anyone else. So get together and solve your issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): You both have different reasons for the sex. You still have some amount of affection for him; but it falls more along the lines of emotional-dependency than love. He might have been your first everything; but he's not your "everything." The sooner you get that in your head; the better off you'll be.
You say you're independent; I beg to differ.
You're both trying to keep the other from moving-on. Sex is just a distraction and a wall built to keep each other in -place.
He's a man. You were with another date; so he's establishing territory. You're extremely vulnerable and everything you're doing is simply a rebound-reaction to the breakup. You're falling-back based on indecision and fear of independence. You've lost perspective; because like too many young women, you see relationships as safe-havens. You seek protection under men, and you never learn how to survive on your own. You need a man to lean and depend on. You don't know your own strength; because you've been living on his.
Travel in different circles and avoid your mutual-friends long enough to get your head together. Stop having sex. The minute he finds another girlfriend; you are going to go ape-shit. In the back of your mind, you think giving him sex will slow-down that probability. Not in the least. He can miss and love you; and still find another girlfriend.
You also like the idea of being singles and then having sex. It brings back that novelty you once had. It will wear-off. The novelty is being able to approach each other with no restraints or obligation after the sex. Like being strangers.
That's playing with fire. The minute either finds a new love interest; there will be a battle, and the head-games will begin.
Stop the sex. Cut all ties. Go completely no-contact.
You're going to mess yourself up emotionally; and you'll be thoroughly confused and enraged, when he moves on and finds somebody else.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 July 2018):
 I think it's a bit of everything. You're bored, you're still not over him, seeing him reminds you of the time that you had together and the fact that you've been lovers in the past makes you comfortable which is why you end up sleeping with him over and over again. You know what the other person likes, you know each other's moves, it's like a quick painkiller that you can pop, it makes you feel good and then go about your ways.
Would you consider giving the relationship another chance?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): The very fact you 'Dunno' doesn't indicate to me that you have real in depth feelings for him, what is it really familiarity? Was it ever really 'Love'?
Only you know the answer to this, but you have remained friends and seemingly didn't have a bad split up so have continued having sex, mu gut feeling is i doubt it is 'Love' because if it was you would want more than just sex, but hey i am second guessing!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2018):
 If all you get together to do is sex, it's because that's the only thing you or only him enjoy doing together. I would venture to say it's all him. He doesn't want to spend money on dates. If he has free time after studying he would spend it on his guy pals. If you call having sex with him "the hole" you keep getting into, it means you want more, or you feel weird about this. We women are made to feel worthless if we can't get affection and companionship out of sex. I don't believe you are that in love with him. If you were you would be emotionally affected when you can't be without him. Maybe the realization that he wants nothing but sex and hang outs would make you feel bad later on. After his desire for sex hits a plateau and gets boring. He's a best friend with benefits. The thing that's missing is the romance, the feeling that fate brings you together, the tenderness. You can't blame that on studies and being busy. The only reason you broke up was because of stress. You can call that break up as a time out. Nothing really broke the relationship although there was no clear standing on the relationship status. You can both go on like this since both of you seem to be somewhat satisfied with this unrestricted, non label status. And not everyone wants to sleep with others since it complicates things.
The other reason you broke up was because you transitioned from friends to lovers. Probably because of convenience. Now you are coming back to that place but with the sex part still intact. I doubt this guy is the one you want to marry. He's just good for the moment. You have something to hang onto and won't be lonely in college. That's all.
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