A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so my ex and i are both in the military but are deployed to different places. we broke up a little while before deployment and went a month and some change with no contact. i broke up with him by the way. he of course was the one to reach back out to me to check to see how i am doing, and that if i needed anything, to not hesitate and ask him. now that we are deployed it had been about a few weeks since i spoke to him and out the blue he hits me up and asks how everything is going. it was a very platonic short conversation which ended with him telling me to keep in touch and that we could maybe FaceTime one day. I need some perspective as to what his motives might be like how should i take this?
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broke up, military, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@wiseowl. WOW, thank you! your response makes perfect sense!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): Well how do you want to take it? What do you believe about why he has contacted you?
Perhaps if you write it down on paper, I would give you more clarity and peace of mind.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2016): Maybe now he realize, how he messed up, he is hoping for a second chance,if you still have some feelings for him, if he did treat you good, cause there isn't that many nice guys out there, yes he did do something that made you break up, we all make mistakes, an if he can man up, he might treat you even better, if it was the other way around, you think you would want a second chance at love
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2016):
 Maybe he knows how hard deployments can be and want to be there as support and have you as his support in return.
If you are interested in more than friendship, I'd take it slow and see what happens - a deployment is no place to figure that out.
If you ARE OK with only friendship - keep the conversation in a manner that friends would do, so no flirting or sexual conversations/pictures.
As for what he wants? Who knows? He might even know what he wants 100%.
And what is IMPORTANT is for YOU to figure out what you WANT, not what he wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2016): Are you over him, or do you still have feelings? Don't pretend a platonic friendship if you do. If he decides he wants to date other people, you'll feel jealous and resentful, or vice versa. Checking on you is motivated sometimes by guilt; or sometimes the ego wants to know if the other person is still suffering for you.
It also depends on the type of breakup you had. If it was amicable and there were no bad feelings; you may carry on a friendly exchange of small-talk. It all depends on how fresh the breakup is.
Always revisit the reasons for your breakup in the first place. If you initiated the break-up, don't mess around with his feelings. Let him know that it might be best to go separate ways, limit contact, and not to holdout any false-hope. If he initiated the breakup, he is pacifying his feelings of guilt, and trying to remain a decent fellow in your eyes. It is no doubt he is, to be so noble as to always be there for you. However; there should be a clear understanding the point was to go separate ways and to be able to date others without issue. To make sure the old relationship is over, and there is no lingering effort to revive it. Many start a cycle of making-up and breaking-up, because jealousy will not allow them to let go.
In most instances, people write and ask what to do because there are still residual feelings, and they are holding out hope for a reconciliation. "Lets be friends" while you're still getting over a person just doesn't work; because the subconscious has not completely accepted the fact the relationship is completely over. That will mess with your head, and you will be emotional. The other person will move on and decide to see other people, and will treat you as a friend. If you haven't reached that state of mind, you will be hurt by it. You will challenge the authenticity of his new relationship and feel betrayed. As would he, if he isn't over you. Then you will be a wedge in each others new romantic ventures. Hoping they fail, because it's hard to see someone else make your ex happier than you did. You can only wish each other well, when you are totally over each other.
You decide what his motives are. It's only human to hope the other guy doesn't move on before you do. Sometimes the motive is only to make sure you know who is over whom first.
Good intentions has broken hearts as much as anything else.
Sometimes staying in-contact as friends after breaking-up is good in theory, but not so good in practice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2016): My answer to that question is he still loves you. He tried to get your attention. That's all. My brief answer. :-)
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