A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was dating a girl for over a year. While dating her she developed an eating disorder. The issue is complicated by the fact that we both run for a college cross country and track team. She experienced great success as the eating disorder got worse. I am one of only a few people that know about her eating disorder. I was responsible for her getting help in the first place. The problem was that she did not like either of the two professionals she met with. She then decided to solve the eating dissorder on her own. This has not worked at all. Three weeks ago she ended our relationship. Since then we have kept in contact on most days. About a week ago she broke down and had me come over. While there she admitted things had gotten worse for her, and that she regretted ending things with me. The next few days we continued to hang out and work on our relationship. I still insisted that she find professional help. Then after a few days of her being happy with me she was done again. I just don't know what to do with the situation any more. I fear that she will go back to being worse. I dont know what position I am in to help her, or even if I should do anything. I care very much about her and don't want to see her in pain anymore. Is there a reason for her to push me away besides she doesn't love me any more? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Part of her disorder may have something to do with the fact that she doesn't feel she "deserves" good things. She may feel she doesn't "deserve" to eat like normal people. she doesn't "deserve" to have a good boyfriend and be happy. All of her emotional issues are probably rooted in this one common theme and there is nothing you can solely do on your own. Just like her solo attempts also failed. Eating disorders like this are deeply rooted in the make up of someone's psyche. It takes years of therapy and learning how to love yourself, and allow yourself to be happy and enjoy good things in life without feeling guilty. She is carrying some sort of enormous guilt, whether it's self-imposed or justified I do not know. But she needs help or she will die. Incorporate her family. It's time more people help her through this problem. She needs to feel loved and appreciated. She needs to remember it's okay to be rewarded with good things in life. She deserves them as much as anyone. But she has to give herself permission to accept these things. I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 July 2012):
 If you cannot get her family and friends together for an intervention, then you need to do it yourself. The thing with addicts is that they will almost never get help by themselves, unless they are at "rock Bottom". You need to look at this almost like any other kind of addiction, her life needs to spiral down to a very horrible level before she'll get help, and some people never do, and end up dying.
If you stay with her and support her and she does not get help, you are showing her that what she's doing isn't serious enough. Ultimatums are your only healthy choice, "Either you get help or I walk. Because I cannot watch you kill yourself."
And then stick with it. Even if she says no, because if you do stay with her, she'll know she can continue with her disorder and you'll do nothing to stop her.
You can love and support her without being with her or speaking to her. She'll only see this as truly serious until she sees real consequences. It's the right thing to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Last I knew she had called to get an appointment with another professional, but had not gotten a hold of them. Setting up an intervention with her parents is virtually impossible since her parents live half way across the country and rarely see her. I know her enough to know that she is a very independent girl, and stubborn to a fault. I have told her that I don't care if she hates me in the future as long as she goes and gets help. Seeing her in pain is not an option any more, and i guess I need to know to what capacity should I be there for her while she seems to not want me there at all and then all of the sudden wants me there for her?
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 July 2012):
A person with an eating disorder cannot be in a healthy relationship, so unfortunately you are in a really tough spot. You need to get together with her family and stage an intervention. Until she gets professional help, she will continue to be very sick, and eventually she will -DIE-. She cannot do this alone, she needs help, but she's too far into the disease to get help on her own. She's too sick mentally to be with you in a long-term relationship, because the most important thing to her isn't you, or her health even, it's her disorder. That is number one to her and will continue to be number one until she gets help, and unless you are totally okay with coming second to an eating disorder and watching her die right in front of you, not forcing her to get treatment will result in her eventual death.
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