A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay girl.I met a girl a year ago whom I really liked. It was supposed to be only a ONS, but we agreed to go on a date after she returns from holidays. The date only materialized few months afterwards, on my instigation. However afterwards I felt that I didn't want to go on dating her for various reasons: she was mainly talking about marriage and hoping one day to get married to a guy, and I felt this was weird and that she had too many issues. On my part I felt that I was not ready for dating, because I just left my job and generally needed to sort things out first.So I send her a message saying that I am not ready for this (meaning serious dating, marriage etc.)A few months later she messages me out of the blue asking if I wanted to "catch up" with her. We end up meeting up a few times, and having sex and getting involved with each other. She says that she feels more close to me and more comfortable. Eventually she asks me if I want to "see where it goes with us", meaning she wants to continue seeing me not just for sex. I agreed. And then she cancels our next date with a text (!) "I am not ready for this, sorry". In a an email she explained: it was because she spoke to her friend who said that she "might be straight if she wants to" and generally still had this dream about getting married to a guy. (I might add that she is from a culture where marriage is valued very high). I was hurt and sad afterwards. I send her an email advising her to try out men, to see if she really could be with one, and to see how she feels about them. No response, so I just left it there.I shall add that I share a place with a male friend of mine, who used to be my bf. We are not in a relationship anymore, but are close. Neither of us can at the moment afford to live independently, so we share. I was open to her about this from the start.A few months passed, I got involved with someone else- it didn't work out, etc. Then out of the blue again , she asks me to meet her. I think: well I deserve an explanation for what happened last time and decide to meet her. She says that she tried out men, didn't like them, and now wants to have a relationship with me. I said yes, but was really on the cautious side. She was really jealous of my guy friend although I explained to her that I am more into women and that I don't ever intend to have a relationship with a guy.Basically it took a while for me to sink in that she is serious this time and I still didn't trust her after she dumped me last time.Because of that something sexual happened between me and someone else during the start of my relationship with her- I came clean to her and said that I think I am not able to give her the relationship she wants and deserves and that it probably is best that we don't see each other again. We had a week off to decide if we want to continue having a relationship, and after that decided to stay together.She however was really jealous of my friend- I made it clear that I want to move out, that I don't have a relationship with him, but that at the moment I cannot just leave everything and move out on the street, I have to get a job first etc, etc. Those things don't' happen instantly (it is now 6 weeks since we started being in a relationship). She seemed to think that what I really want is to get married to him and have children with him- I felt hurt by this presumption because it could not be further from the truth.But I also don't see how she could demand that I move out when I clearly don't have the means to do it, for the sake of a relationship with her that only lasted a bit more than a month, especially that she dumped me before.So I was not surprised that I received a message from her a week ago that she "wanted to talk" and when I not responded, another one where she said that she was leaving me because she could not stand the fact that I was going back to "him" (a friend!)each time after I saw her.Then she wanted to meet me in person to "give me back my DVD".I said that I was happy as it was, that I didn't want to see her, so she could dump me in person again.I also said that I think she is projecting her marriage dream onto me and accusing me of being the one who wants to be with a guy. I resigned myself to the fact that this is over.And now I receive another message saying that she really missed me and that she "will not hesitate to show her feelings to me this time" and that she doesn't dream of marriage anymore. I mean what the heck...?She dumped me again and now wants me to come back to her...? I am not sure what is what in this situation anymore.I do care for her a lot, but then I was more peaceful when I knew it was over.What would you do? Answer? Let it be? I am tempted to just don't answer and let her live with the consequences of her decisions.. I am not sure if this is the right thing though.Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): third time lucky xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This sounds really complicated, and it must be very confusing for you. One moment you resign yourself to the fact it is over...the next she wants you back!
This has happened now several times, so it seems that this is a pattern that will just keep repeating itself. She sounds very unsure of what she wants, but in trying to find out she is hurting and confusing you in the process. Once or twice, maybe I could understand, but this is really too much, in my opinion.
If it was me? Well, I think I would just be firm and say that it is over. I don't think I could go through it all again. I was in a similar situation with a guy about a year ago. We were on and off. One minute, he was breaking up with me because he didn't know what he wanted. And then just as I was accepting it was over, he would appear again and ask for another chance. And I did. Many times. And each time it was just the same. Until I finally stopped responding to him.
I'm not trying to say this is how it will be for your situation. That was just my experience. But there does seem to be a similar pattern. Not only that, but do you think a relationship could work if you tried again? Would there be enough trust? That was one of the deciding factors in my situation - I realised that I was unable to trust him anymore, to believe him, to feel at ease in the relationship.
I think you should listen to what your feelings are telling you. If you think it is worth trying again, then I hope you can both really give it a good try, and try and start with a clean slate this time. But I think that might be difficult, given the circumstances. And the fact that you was feeling peaceful before she contacted you again...I think that says a lot.
I hope you are able to reach a decision, and that it works out well either way. I wish you the best in this. x
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A
female
reader, Krissy_Captivate +, writes (13 October 2009):
 "I do care for her a lot, but then I was more peaceful when I knew it was over." You need to look deep inside yourself and think of what would be best, to be with her or not in the long run, because at the end of the day nobody can decide your feelings but is all the hassle really worth it? I think she's the one that needs the advice to be honest hun, because she needs to realise you're not her play thing that she can do as she wishes with.When you had a while apart from her, maybe that wasn't enough, maybe it's best if you ease off the relationship for a while to see what you both really want, and if that means you can't see each other in person because sexual things may happen..maybe it's bestYou might end up feeling like this all the time, and i'm not saying don't be with her, but what's the rush? If you both decide you wish to spend your time together and she doesn't want to marry a guy, then you have all the time in the world to be together.If i were you i wouldn't move out from the home you're sharing with your friend unless you're doing it for yourself, not for her. Because as you said you haven't been together long enough for her to decide you should up and leave for her. If you move out too soon and things fall through with her again, you'll end up so hurtI really do hope things start to sort out for you bothKrissy x
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