A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about my ex. I ended the relationship back in 2004 because of how he treated me, he was 20 at the time and I think a lot had to do with his lack of maturity. When we broke up, things were a bit convoluted. We agreed to be friends but that didn't work out, and we'd ignore each other because of hurt feelings, and never really had any closure. We'd been together for 2.5 years, and I was his first relationship and he was mine. I'd say we were in love. We were going to get married.At one time, shortly after the break up, we were going to get back together but it didn't work out. Roughly 6 months or so later, my ex got drunk at a party and admitted to a close mutual friend that he missed me terribly. The mutual friend confided in me, she's not one to lie and when I approached my ex about this he denied having said that and said he's happier without me. So we never really kept in contact and went our seperate ways.Fast forward 6 or so years, and he runs into my brother by chance at the shops. The conversation was brief, but he gave my brother a business card of his work details (he was a manager or something). They did not have any intention of contact other than the chance meeting, yet he felt the need to give something like that to my brother?Fast forward another 3 years and we were meant to be going to a mutual friends party, but he cancelled (along with his girlfriend) because he knew I was going to be there... He'd been with his new girlfriend for over 2 years by that stage. I knew he was going to be there yet I didn't cancel... and he's the one that treated me badly!I would have thought that 9 years later he'd be over it and would be able to look me in the eye again. I don't know... But to still go out of his way to avoid me? I didn't cheat or give him any reason to hate me, all I did was end the relationship because he treated me poorly. I'm just confused because we still have mutual friends. Just wondering why this sort of situation would affect someone for so long?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): HiI was in a relationship where I was treated badly and had to end it, the same as you. I read an awful lot to help me understand and one of the categories I read about is how men who habitually treat women badly i.e. abusers will work hard on keeping their past and their present lives separate, simply because they do not want their present girlfriend to hear anything negative about them. I looked back and remembered many instances of this, for example, he didn't want us to go dancing in the same place where his ex went, telling me that she was very jealous and would make life very difficult for me, whereas he was the jealous one and didn't want me to discover that he was the problem and not her. I'm sure he's telling his new girlfriend similar stories about me to prevent any interaction between us. I was never introduced to his children in five years, maybe for the same reason. I don't know if this is the same situation as yours, but maybe it will shed some light on it for you.
A
male
reader, mfj78  +, writes (11 April 2015):
HiI think you need to see the relationship you had with this man for what it was: a teenage relationship that didn't last the transition into adulthood. Many of us have relationship in our late teens and/or early twenties that we see at the time as deadly serious and of major importance, but when we get a bit older and more experienced we look back and realise we were just a couple of youngsters, making the transition from adolescence to adulthood that may have been right for each other THEN, but the constant huge changes in our personalities, needs, outlook and lives at that time shaped into two very different people. You were in love, you were going to be married. But lets be honest: claiming everlasting love, commitment, marriage and so forth is fine when you aged are 17-20 and PLANNING your future, its quite another when you are 20 something and LIVING the reality of your future. You are in your mid to late twenties, i'm sure you can now see how young 17 to 20, the age he was when you were together, actually is. I am also sure you can appreciated that saying your going to marry someone as a teenager shouldn't be something to be taken too seriously. Most of us have relationship at that age and think we are madly in love, only to look back from full adulthood and realize we didn't have the experience back then to really know what love is or what we really wanted.You really need to move on. You are a woman in your mid to late twenties, an adult, still holding onto a relationship you had as a kid. I'm sorry but you really need to let go of this. As for why he acts and feels the way he does? Well...Im 37 and recently bumped into an ex GF from when I was 20. I felt awkward and embarrassed because, in the eyes of my ex, she only knows me (or remembers me) as the person who gave her a clumsy, immature (on my part) relationship as a young adult. I am not the same person now by any means but to be face to face with someone who remembers me as a stubborn, immature, insecure lover from a different point in my life made me feel awkward. She was with coworkers and in my mind I could image her walking away saying "oh that's some immature twat who I was stupid enough to go out with who acted like a 10 year old..." Pride made me want to hide. Silly? Yes but its the way we do think in those situations. Also, at the time, I was unemployed and single. I felt a little embarrassed that my Ex told me she was working for a big company as a manager and had a husband who worked for such and such and two amazing kids, blah, blah, where as I couldn't say the same. My pride took a slight hit from the fact she clearly had got into a great situation and I, at that time at least, hadn't. Another problem with bumping into exes after so many years is that people change. I used to have a GF who was very clean cut, very pleasant and sensible. However the passage of time has not been good to her. Sadly drinking, partying, three kids from three different strangers and some dodgy home made tattoos have made her a very different person to the one I had a short relationship with as a teen. Throughout my late twenties I would bump into her regularly and she would tell anyone I was with that we had been "crazy in love". To be walking around the city centre with coworkers and people who worked for me and have this woman who look thirty years older than she was, shaking from a lack of whatever she was addicted to and looking quite frankly homeless come up to me saying "me and him were mad lovers!!!" while grabbing me by the crotch was pretty awful in all honesty. I had another relationship that ended badly. I took it badly. It was years ago when I was less mature and experienced than I am now. I acted badly, immaturely and probably in a way which was very irritating and petty. When I think back to the way I acted and the things I did I cringe. If I bumped into that person now, 15 years on, I would feel my face going red with embarrassment. Maybe she would be polite and make no mention of the way I behaved? Perhaps she would be good enough to assume im now a very different person? Maybe she would make a comment about my behaviour and that's the worry I would have. That's one of the main reason I think people avoid exes...nobody wants the drinks to flow and somebody to start digging up the past in a humiliating way. Been there done that, not nice. As for your ex boyfriend, as others have rightly said, men tend to avoid situations where current girlfriends meet ex partners. Such situations can lead to comparisons, insecurity, etc. Would I like to meet my GFs exes? No way! would it hurt my pride a little if they were taller, better looking and had better bodies than me? Sure. Would it be better for my partner to make an excuse to get us out of going to a social situation where her ex is likely to be hanging out. I would say so yes. As for him giving out a business card to your brother - maybe he wanted to show off his management position? If he has recently gained that job he may have wanted to give out his cards as a way of making your brother, and maybe you, know he was doing well for himself. Showing off maybe, or pride. Whether or not your ex did say he missed you terribly and whatever he felt deep down at that point in time, it was six months after you broke up. That was 2004! He may have missed you terribly THEN but that was a long time ago and he isn't the same person now as he was then. Besides - what people say when drunk can be disregarded. Drunken declarations of love or missing someone are not coming from a straight thinking, coherent source. The drink does the talking. As I say that was years ago. You said he was immature yet he is now a manager and has a relationship and is, presumably, a mature guy of about 30. To be honest you do come across like you are still quite stuck on this ex and maybe that's why he avoided out? Sorry if that's to the point but maybe he senses through mutual friends that you are still thinking about this and analysing it too much? You say yourself that "I would have thought that 9 years later he'd be over it" and yet you clearly are not over it. I think that's the issue. if he has moved on, which he clearly has, and has a GF then he may have avoided you as he knows you have not moved on and doesn't want to cause you, himself or his partner any problems. Best wishesMark
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2015):
 He's got a girlfriend is why. Most guys with girlfriends tend to avoid exes. He's not having a relationship with you because that's a chapter in his life that stays in the past for him.
As for you, haven't you had boyfriends since him?? Haven't you had relationships since him?? At this point, you shouldn't hardly even remember his existence, much less are worked up about how he acts around you.
You need to move on, closure or no closure. His life and whether he even exists or not should be as irrelevant to you as life in the Marianas Trench is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2015):
 I think it SIMPLY doesn't matter. AFTER 9 years, he, his actions and choices, really should be irrelevant to you.
I'm friend with my first BF (it ended over 20 years ago) but I would NOT EVER even consider wasting a MINUTE on my #3 BF too much drama, too much negativity tied into those memories and that guy. Thankfully the likelihood of running into him is about nil, but... IF I DID I would pretend I didn't recognize him and keep going. I have absolutely NO need to have anything to do with him. And I certainly don't give a rat's behind about what he may be doing, thinking or feeling these day... NONE.
Why not JUST accept that HE doesn't WANT a friendship or even contact and then RESPECT that?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 April 2015):
 After 9 years..... what difference does ANYTHING about this guy mean to you?????
You note that you and he have common activities and friends... SO WHAT? You need only to be polite and cordial to him, as you would be to anybody who is in your social circle.
Remember,... that your thinking about him (as you, obviously, do) is allowing HIM to have "FREE PARKING" inside your head.
Get on with life, with him in your rear-view mirror....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 April 2015):
 I totally agree, there is no way of knowing the exact reasons why he wants to avoid you so I suggest you don't waste another second ruminating about it. You don't still have romantic feelings for him do you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): Could be all sorts of reasons. Personally I can't stand to see exs, because for some reason a while after the breakup I become extremely embarrassed and a bit repulsed about the sexual memories. The thought that I used to have sex with them makes me cringe. It's just a weird thing I get. I would definitely hide if I saw one even years later. But I digress, basically the bottom line here is..........He's an EX, so who cares why? It's not your problem any more
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (10 April 2015):
 It's hard to speculate why your ex does not want to see you. It could be a myriad of things: Pride, stubbornness, principle, loyalty, betrayal, grudge...
In general, speaking from experience, most men I know don't want anything to do with their serious ex for variety of reasons listed above.
I am one of those guys and, frankly, I'd feel terrorized if I was to meet my first GF again. She was blonde, gorgeous, hot in bed but boundaryless and would not accept a break up. I regret the fact that I've ever met her, I regret that I ever went out with her, regret that I've had anything to do with her... I feel so lucky that she is out of my life and so grateful that she stays out of it.
I'm sure your ex has his own reason.
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