A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my best friend have been on a roller coaster ride this past year. It’s a long story so I’m going to try to keep my sentences to the point. We had a falling out almost 8 months ago. He didn’t say why he was mad and didn’t want to talk to me. We were super close and saw each other as much as we could. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I fell in love with him. I never told him how I felt. We had a fight one day over nothing and I tried to fix it and he just kept saying we are done. I left him alone. A month ago he came over with our other friend. It was awkward at first but we quickly hit it off. I wanted to bring up what happened but I didn’t. After going out of town with friends to where he was staying with his family and not meeting up with him, I realized my feelings were becoming out of control. I was upset he didn’t meet with me.Two days ago he wanted to spend the night. I told him I worked late but he said he would hang out at my house and wait for me. When I got home he was laying on the couch but still awake. It was 2am. First we almost started playing video games and then he mentioned having to leave at 10am because he’s going to the movies with a friend. First he said it was a guy but he was acting weird about it. After questioning him he admitted it was with a girl. He told me she has had a crush on him for almost two years and invited him to the movies. They also have been FaceTiming the past two nights for hours. I got jealous when he told me and I decided now is the time to bring up why he stopped being my friend.When I questioned him, he wasn’t giving me a straight answer. First he said it was because I kept touching him. I said if he felt that way he could have told me and I would have stopped. I also said he touched me sometimes too and would lay on me so I thought it was ok. He kept quiet after I said that. He then said maybe it was a subconscious reason and he doesn’t know the main reason except he was mad. I can tell he wasn’t being fully honest with me but I deserved answers. I then told him that when he stopped being friends with me he broke my heart. I told him I always wanted to be around him and he was my best friend. I told him I finally started to get over him and now he wants to be my friend. He’s spending the night but has to leave in a few hours so what’s the point? We talked for hours. He would say he never hated me and missed me and then would say he had to be my friend again because he didn’t have a choice. The conversation would go good, then he would contradict himself. I have no idea how he really felt. I asked him why he didn’t text or call me when he didn’t mean it. He said he was scared. I gave him a hug and it was so intense. He wouldn’t let me go for almost a minute. I stopped the hug first. I told him that I didn’t want to play this messed up version of us anymore and that I’m better than that. I then said this is our last time seeing each other. He looked sad and nodded his head and said ok. The next morning he seemed like he wasn’t going to go to the movies. I kept quiet because I was sad and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want him to leave. He sat quietly then got ready and left. He’s leaving for a trip for 4 days. I texted him that night saying I didn’t mean it when I said I never wanted to see him again. He texted me back saying he hopes he can see me when he comes back. I wasn’t expecting an answer. I don’t know how to be when he comes back. I know this was long but I need advice. When he stopped being my friend and told me he was done I didn’t believe him. My friends would tell me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore so I have to accept it and move on. I knew in my heart it wasn’t true and I was right. Now it’s a different issue. I’m going to be jealous of this girl he is talking to. It felt like he knew I was jealous. I’m not saying I think he’s in love with me, I just feel like there are complex feelings from both sides. How do I keep our friendship going? I know I’m not his best friend anymore but should I try to be? I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m not going to touch him or give anymore massages and keep my distance. I’m more confused now that there is a girl in the picture. Did I mention I have a girlfriend and I met him through her? I haven’t done anything to cheat on her. I just never felt this way about a guy before.
View related questions:
best friend, crush, fell in love, jealous, move on, text, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): You'll save face by showing no emotion and making no comment about this incident. Don't approach him about it. He's sending you a message without words. Now all you should do is let him know his message has been received; by gracefully bowing-out, and offering him no further contact.
You've developed the wrong kind of feelings for your friend. He is unable to reciprocate those feelings. Being around him will only stir them up; so you have to distance yourself, and hang in different circles for awhile.
Avoid places you know you'll run into him. I would go completely no contact. He'll keep playing games with your head; and you'll get more and more upset. So ignore calls and messages. Avoiding you is cowardly; so leave it exactly where he left it.
Rather than part on bad-terms or fighting; it's best to leave quietly. Seek romance elsewhere. The friendship is over.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 June 2018):
 This isn’t a friendship, plain and simple.
You told us you are in love with the guy. No one is in love with their friends. I’d echo the advice WiseOwlE gave. In that this dude is intrigued with bisexual thoughts but doesn’t want a gay relationship so he distanced himself.
You will do more harm than good Persuing this guy as you want completely different things. Move on. It’s not worth the hassle.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI made plans with him last night to hang out today. I knew his cousin was going to come. When I came by just his cousin was there. I texted him and said “why didn’t you come” and he said “I didn’t feel like going.” I was embarrassed and his cousin tried to make excuses but I’m done. Wiseowl you were right. I said I came to see you and he read it but didn’t text (he has that read response for his texts). He told me when he left that he wanted to see me but then pulls this? I’m done and I just need advice on what to say. Usually I would be mad but I’m just embarrassed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2018): First, stop calling it friendship; if you're messing around with each other in a sexual-way. He's still conflicted in his head about what it is going-on between you; and you want more than friendship from him.
He didn't mind fooling-around; but he's not up for a full-fledged gay-relationship. So he attempted to break it off.
He still has an attraction based on some "bi-sexual" urges; but you're the one trying to push things to something more serious and intense. He's not ready for that. Thus a girl enters the picture. That's to reestablish the fact he's still heterosexual; or leaning that way. You're trying to yank him out of the closet. My advice is...STOP IT!
He's not going to be your boyfriend. He was willing to satisfy his curiosity and experiment; by offering you partially what you wanted. For some guys, that bi-curiosity is just to try anything once. While for others, it scares the living hell out of them; and they're sorry to have crossed that line. When they pullback; no matter how you feel about him, you must let him go.
In this instance, friendship is a misnomer. You want your so-called friendship to crossover into a romantic-relationship. You will continue to yearn and angle for it as long as you keep-up your charade of friendship. Be honest. You won't give-up. You'll just continue trying.
My advice is to end the friendship. No matter how much it hurts; because you want something different from what he's willing to offer you. You're using emotional-blackmail; but that's not friendship. It's manipulation. You try to blame it on him; but he told you, you kept touching him. So he gave in; because you placed conditions on your friendship.
I'm gay, this isn't something new to me. You're mature enough to know how things can play-out with a guy who's bisexual, or in the closet. They sometimes tease; but would rather not be pressured. They may play, but will never entertain having a real gay-relationship.
Going after your friends for romance is fishing in a barrel. If your gay-feelings are new to you; perhaps you should explore those feelings outside of your friendship.
His close-proximity and familiarity is just a convenience. Not an opportunity. You love each other; but I believe in different ways.
If someone doesn't come to you willingly, and in the way you want them to; you must let them go. Some people would just persist; but that isnf't fair. Being pushy turns into outright force or harassment; when you get frustrated. That's not right.
He's messing with your head, and you don't deserve that. You're being pushy and persistent; and he doesn't deserve that either. Don't use the word friendship; when that isn't all you want from him. Setting a trap makes you a very manipulative person. That's a serious character-flaw.
...............................
|
