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anonymous
writes: hi there,I really need advice on my current and ongoing problem. I am a gay male and have been living with my ex boyfriend since October 2004. We split up on New Year but are still living together. I'm so unhappy, as all we ever do is argue and fight.I find it almost impossible to move on as I have nowhere else to go and whenever I wanaa find a new guy my ex is jumping straight in and tries to spoil it for me. He even goes through my mobile and takes down phone numbers which don't belong to him and contacts the people I know. What should I do? Please help bacause I've never felt more unhappy that I do now.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 May 2005):
 He's really pushing the boundaries of friendship, even for an ex! Even if you two were still involved, I'd say that going through your phone and calling the numbers (just to be a pest and mess things up for you) is a profound invasion of your privacy.That said, why are you allowing him to do it? You need to actively protect yourself from those intrusions. If you don't have your phone with you, then you don't need it on. Turn it off and lock it with a PIN. If you do need it, carry it in your pocket.But I suspect that problem is only the tip of the iceberg. The bigger issue is that your ex thinks that he can run your life for you and change whatever aspects he doesn't like. If he was like this when you were a couple, no wonder you're broken up now!Sorry, but you really only have one choice. You have to move out. I just don't buy the line about "not having anywhere to go". If there was a dead skunk rotting under the floorboards, you'd find some way to get away from the smell, right? Well, consider your ex a rotting skunk and find a way to get away. You might have to rent a room with someone for a while, while you get on your feet, but so what? Isn't that easier than dealing with fights and intrusions?If you live in or near a big town or city there may even be gay-friendly roommate-matching services, where people try to find like-minded individuals to live together.Failing that, consider getting a small loan from a bank or credit union, so you can get a place on your own.Whatever you do, don't give your ex your new address, because he clearly wants to see you dependant on him and will try to undermine you so your efforts to take care of yourself will fail. That may even have been his standard operating procedure when you were together. (He sounds like a sad, pathetic kind of person and you shouldn't have to deal with his childish problems.)The only other thing you can do is get a deadbolt for the door of your room and keep it locked all the time. You'll still have to deal with the bitch-boy though, and I think that option is a distant second choice.Good luck dearie!
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