A
female
age
30-35,
*unaticDreams
writes:I feel really childish for not this even being an issue in my life.There are two people in my life. I am currently in a relationship with one. The other is my recent ex.My ex and I split up in mid-late July of this year after dating for about a year and a half. Our relationship from start to finish was rocky because we both had bad insecurities about relationships. The beginning of the relationship was bad because he had attempted to date two girls at once, I being the "other" girl. Though I was the one who went out of state to meet his dads family, spent holidays with his moms side, and was with him and his friends. When I found out about the other girl we had a talk, he was not sexually involved with her (she did not believe in sex before marriage). Which, yes made me feel a little better but at the same time terrible. It caused a lot of drama and issues at the time because he did not want tohave to choose, though he did not see her often. I ended up drinking and sleeping with my ex-fiance. I told him though.We split up, but stayed friends - especially since we had mutual friends. He split up with the other girl, who ended up dating my ex-fiance. (I was happy for him, and in fact found it amusing and tried to help him when finding gifts for her)Well, we'll call this guy "M". We ended up going on date again, hanging out, and chatting a lot. Ended up with us dating again even though I fought the thought of us dating and our friends teased us about it a lot. Until he finally asked me flat out if I would be willing to give him a chance again, to be exclusive- only me and him.It had been a few months and I had agreed at that point. We dated for a little over a year at that point.We argued a few times, mainly when our friends would get involved in our issues and the fact that one of our mutual friends decided to start causing issues.The last 6 months of the year and a half relationship started to have issues.During early this year I ended up with a concussion after one of our arguments. I had lost most of the past 2 years of my memory (MOST is back). My family is convinced that he did it on purpose, he claims he slipped.It was raining, we had an argument and I got out of the truck crying, yelled at him and went to walk off down town in our city. He has never been the type to chase after me when I stomped off. I ran around a corner and leaned on a brick building. To look up and see that he had followed me startled me and i turned to run off. He went to grab my shoulders and this is where he claims he slipped on grass. At times when I wouldnt listen he used to grab my shoulders and shake me (not violently but regardless it should not be done) to try to get me to listen when I would clam up. Regardless of how that happened, because I do think he slipped a little, but purposly put his hands on my shoulders. My head hit the brick wall and I blacked out. When I came too he did not believe I did not know who he was. He did try to get me to go to the hopsital but I fought it. So he didnt. He had a friends dad look at me who said I didnt have a concussion and so everyone thought I was faking the confusion.He took me back to his place soon after and I fell asleep. I woke up and was talking to a old old friend on my laptop (ive had this for several years) who lives out of town and she freaked out and called the police wanting to make sure I went to the hospital. She told the police that he had purposly hurt me. They got in contact with my parents ( I could notremember her number because my phone was dead and it had changed the last year). So now my parents think he purposly harmed me, though there was no charges against him.WEnt to hospital, I did have a very bad concussion but besides that and a bruise on my head there were no other signs of harm.We stayed together after that, even though my parents argued. I lived with my parents for a month while I patched togetherthe past couple of years (I write journals normally and talked to a lot of friends).---Now the other person in my life, my current boyfriend, we started dating in late October. We'll call him "K".My family absolutely loves him. He has been my friend since middleschool. We went to the same school since elementary, lost contact when I went to a different Highschool. He was my first middle school boyfriend. In highschool he dated my best friend. That got us reconneted. They dated for a month, normally silly HS relationship. After graduation we startd talking again while I was with my now ex-fiance. We'd hang out and normally play PS3 together. Just friends. He's been, easily, my best friend for the past 3 or so years now. He's admitted to liking me more than a friend (after me and my ex-fiance split up) but ended up just staying friends even though I liked him aswell. We lost contact that winter which is when I met "M" and started a relationship with him. "K" and I stayed friends and would still hang out, and he would join in things that "M", I, and our friends would do. He was still that friend I'd go over and act like a child with, in our 20s and we'd build blanket forts and play video games together and be silly.After the break up with "M" which was a bad break up "K" and I started talking about dating. But I was not over "M" and was afraid of dating "K" and taking a chance of cheating. I can say without a doubt that I still love "M" even with all the fighting that has happened and the break up. But he started meeting new women and trying to move on. So a couple months after that and spending a lot of time with "K" I decided to give it a try, though it seemed weird since he was my best friend. --"M" and I had stayed friends, even with everything after the break up. I found out in the last couple months of the end of that relationship he had cheated on me 4 times with one girl. She had been like a sister to me, married, with a kid. She was a mutual friend to both "M" and I. I was aware that she had been trying to get with him and he had promised to stay away. He came to me after our relationship ended and we had a talk about it. It was the first time he had ever said that he was sorry, he made a mistake, that he wish he could take it all away and that he realized his faults. He was not trying to get with me again at the time, infact he and another girl had been talking, she lived in the town he went to college in a few years back. --THE ISSUE--Right now I am not sure what to do, because I have an issue. I still love "M". When I think about it I have no doubt in my mind. We've had conversations about things recently and about things that had gone wrong in the relationship and things we both had said and done. But this is where I say Emotion rules. If I followed Emotion, I would go back to him. But my parents do not like him. He isnt always the most responsible. He still tries to help me when something is wrong. He had changed jobs 3 times since I dated him. We worked at a place together when we first stated dating (met via the now mutual ex-female friend of ours). Then he started to pursue his career in security. Worked at one for 6 months, moved to a higher paying job for 6 months. He just changed jobs last week to a job that paid $3 more an hour with garunteed overtime. He never seems to stay at a job, but he does not leave one till he has another one. My parents are a bit anti-gun. He's a gun advocate. (I'm neutral- I was engaged to a hunter and have a gun of my own due to him)But, right now I am in a relationship with "K". He's my best friend. He still is. He is what I would say the Logical choice is. He has held a job for 2 years, a home aide nurse, is wanting to work towards a better career. Caring, considerate. Always wants to buy me stuff. Loves my dogs. Never gets angry with me. Feels bad if he even gets snippy at me. Willing to do anything for me. Takes care of his bills. Basically, he is mature and responsible. My family adores and loves him. His life goals has always been to be a husband and have children and just have a family. We're able to be silly together, both have same interests, same foods we like, everything is always smooth and simple.I've thought about just going back to being single for a while. I've talked to both guys about this actually. My goal is to try not to hurt anyone. Both of their views is that they want me happy. "K"'s view s that he just doesnt think he is "Mr. Right now" but that he thinks he is right for me, at some point. That he wants to stay in my life regardless of what I choose."M" said he screwed up once and lost me already, he's afraid of losing me for good. But if I chose to stay with "K" our friendship would have to end because he cant move on otherwise. (I understand that because it hurts to see someone you love with another person). Emotion always beats logic. But logic should be thought of before emotion, right?It's not just ME this effects, it isnt just the two in my life. It's my family, their family, our pets (very integrated part of life for all 3 of us) and our futures.I'm hoping, maybe someone who is older or someone who has dealt with this may have something to say. I don't care if its what I DONT want to hear or not, it's something that may help me decide on what I need to do.
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best friend, cheated on me, engaged, move on, my ex, split up, video games, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, afsf86 +, writes (13 December 2013):
I'll never get why women voluntarily want to go back to men who treat them badly. As a cop, I've lost count of the times that I've arrested a man for beating his significant other so bad she had to go to the hospital and later being notified that she recanted her original story (easiest way to get charges dropped). I've heard every excuse out there from both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence trying to explain things away. Sorry, but don't expect me to believe it was "just an accident" as "M" says it was.Of course "M" is going to say that he "messed up once." By my count, from your story he cheated on you four times, tried dating another girl at the same time he was dating you, and put you in the hospital causing severe memory damage. I don't know about you but 1+5 does NOT equal 1 in my book.Of course "M" is so willing to sit down with your parents and "MAKE AMMENDS" (in part for causing a traumatic brain injury no less) because "THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO YOU". Sorry for all caps but there's no way to italicize text and I couldn't think of any better way to emphasize my sarcasm... He want's you back. He'll get the better of your emotions to accomplish just that.And people wonder why the whole "nice guys finish last" phrase came to be. I'm not even going to start on that subject with you.To be honest this is the part that I'm not going to sugar coat for you OP. You have some growing up and maturing to do, and I don't meant that to be age range specific. There's just as many immature 50 and 60 year olds out there that I deal with on the street. The fact that someone is so willing to run back to one who treats them so badly speaks volumes to me about that someones self esteem and self worth.
A
female
reader, LunaticDreams +, writes (12 December 2013):
LunaticDreams is verified as being by the original poster of the question-Update-
The problem with it, the one who does give me the fuzzies, makes me feel happy, the one who I've always been goofy and weak when Im around him is the one that my family hates.
How can I be with someone that my family hates?
He said he'd be more than willing to sit down and talk to my parents and TRY to make amends with them because he knows how important they are to me.
But I'm just not sure about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Don't go back....
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