A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 yrs old. Well, right now I feel hurting myself. I don't feel well at all. It seems that no man wants to be in a relationship with a woman who does not find sex pleasureable for her at all. I guess I have a sexual dysfunction since I can't feel anything during sex and if I do feel something it's discomfort. I went to a doc and she told me that this is just how my body is made and to just have oral sex. I wish I could find someone who is of better help but being that I am poor and don't have any health insurance this is something I am going to have to deal with for a long time. I am so lonely and want a relationship badly but if i do find someone it will only be for a short time. They will have their fun with me and leave because they will want a woman who can enjoy sex. The only type of relationship I am capable of having is with married men who wives don't go down on them. That is all i am good for. I don't know what else to do...can anyone help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): You say that you are missing the best years of your life and will soon be old. Believe me, you are not even close to being old. I'm over 60 and I don't feel old yet. Yeah, I can't hike in the woods for 12 hours a day and can't have sex 4 times a day anymore, but my wife and I have a great life at our ages and probably feel more love than we ever have. As far as sex goes, both of us think that our best sex wes in our mid to late 30s. The best time in my life was also in my 30s. I had more fun in general and enjoyed life the most in my 30s and 40s.
I know that telling you this will probably not help you right now, but believe me when I say that the best parts of your life are still to come. My first wife was a good person, but my life at that time was not as happy as it was later. That is not a reflection on her, but on how I felt about life and myself. I have had times when I felt that I would never find real happiness, both sexually and in general. I was very wrong, as I have had both for most of my life. You will find that you will also.
By the way, read what Mandy7 has to say. I have talked to her many times and she is a wonderful help. She is a very intellegent person and understands what people like you might be feeling. Also reread what Oblivia had to say to you. She is also a friend and I greatly respect what she has to say. Both of these women have been a great help to me to make me feel better about the things that have distressed me. There are many people on this forum that can be of great of help. Please listen to these people and try to understand that you are just beginning your adult life and that you have much to look forward to. It may not seem like it right now, but I think that you will come to realize that those of us who have answered you have been correct.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Hi Hun,
I found a site sexual dysfunction in women gynecology and obstetrics:merck...
This ive read a little and it points to hormones as you say, Medical conditions causing fatigue or debility bilateral. oophorectomy in younger women.It may sound all gobbly d gook but it helps to read on to what these thing can mean and the treatment available, You need to get that Insurance hunny and have a read, I always feel that to let the doctor no more, To do your homework helps him to help you, I no its not going to be easy it may take awhile but please have faith in you. message me if you get down and ill be happy to chat with you two heads are better than one my prayers are with you TAKE CARE LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Hunny
No this is not all your worth, you are worth much much more than you think im going to look up all i can to try and find some sort of answer if I can.
In the mean time hunny please believe in you as the beautiful wonderfull amazing woman you really are and have faith in you message me any time and ill try and find out as much as I can, it may take awhile but I promice ill do something that will hopefully help you a little lots of love and hugs mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I see a total of 11 responses from you. I have also been having some strange things happen on the dearcupid pages on my computer. Sometimes only part of my responses show up unless I refresh the page. I asked a question about it on the dearcupid forum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNone of my responses are showing up
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the feedback
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm almost 24, I"m going to be old and I've NEVER been in love before and I don't enjoy sex or anything. Everyday I get more depressed and pessimistic than the last. My friend met the one last year and she's spending the best years of her life with someone she cares about and I still have no one. She is having great sex and everything while I am not. I just feel so empty. People kept telling me that it will happen..I was praying that it would happen sooner...now that I'm getting closer to 24 I don't even care. I wanted it to happen sooner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. The only thing I can do is just wait until the next guy and see what happens if anything will be different. Still, this circumstance has made me sad and depressed. I'll never be completely happy with my life until I enjoy sex and find a happy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Another thought that may not help you much right now is that my wife has said that her best sex was when whe was in her 30s and 40s and it is just slightly less good in her 60s. All were much better than in her 20s, but she only had 1 partner in her 20s. Also, the most important thing to what she felt and her enjoyment was who her partner was. Most guys were mostly just interested in their enjoyment.
Just forget about what your female friends say about their sex. Noone wants to admit that it isn't great. If a guy can't get an erection one night and his buddies ask him how the sex was last night, do you think he is going to say, "I couldn't get it up." No, he is going to say something like, "I screwed her 3 times and she could hardly walk this morning." I can't believe that women are that much different. Pioriaman made some very good points. That is pretty much how I feel also. My wife doesn't always have an orgasm, but she likes the sex because of the closeness. Being over 60 now, I sometimes just can't finish, but we feel close and greatly enjoy the cuddling before and after our sex. The cuddling and feeling closeness and love is the best part, especially for women. I once had a 1 noght stand and the sex was a big disappointment for both her and me. There was no closeness there. I had some feelings for my other girlfriends and the sex was good because we just enjoyed being together and cuddling. The one who couldn't have a vaginal orgasm loved to hug and cuddle and loved to shower together. I think that she would have been happy without the intercourse at all. For my wife, the intercourse just represents the ultimate closeness, even without an orgasm. She got little enjoyment from some of the guys that she had sex with because there was no affection at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Well, my one girlfriend could never have a vaginal sex orgasm, but she loved the orgasms that I gave her with oral. I wanted to give her an orgasm with intercourse, but she told me that she had never been able to have one. I have no idea how many men she had been with, but she had been married twice before. She still enjoyed the sex that we had a lot because of the time I would spend with oral. Once I knew that she enjoyed sex with me and that I was not the reason that she couldn't have a vaginal orgasm, I greatly enjoyed sex with her. Our sex together was not the reason we broke up. She wanted a husband and I was not ready for that. I married someone else about 5 years later.
My wife also doesn't have a great amount of sensitivity inside. She does have some, but she just said, "To be honest, there is really not much feeling in there." Her G-spot doesn't have much sensitivity, unless I combine massaging it with my finger while I lick her clit. She gets the most enjoyment with penetration if I use an angle where my penis rubs her clit. I will start out with that, along with licking her ear at the same time, to give her an orgasm. After she has had that, then I will concentrate on my enjoyment. So normally, she will have a good oral orgasm and a less intense vaginal one, but only because of outside stimulation.
If you want to PM me to talk about it with either me or her, please feel free to do so. I'm certainly no expert, but she could tell you what she has experienced with me or others. It's been 30 years since any others, so she doesn't remember much though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think the right guy will make a difference. My vagina just has a lack of sensitivity down there so pleasureable intercourse is just out of the question. I don't even bother with the dildos anymore, don't even have the desire for anything related to penetrattion. I just strictly stick to clitoral cause that is the only thing that works for me.
All those years of brainwashing and hearing how sex is so great and like pleasure is just a given and to find out this is just devestating. When i was younger i never imagined such a thing that sex would feel like nothing especially the way its built up to be the best thing since sliced bread. I feel like sex is just a big ol scam.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): Please don't let yourself continue to worry so much about this. You can get pleasure from oral. Do you have orgasms with oral? As many of us have said, many women cannot have orgasms with vaginal intercourse. Oblivia said that many women don't get much pleasure when younger. My wife remembers that she didn't get much from sex when younger. Maybe it was her first husband or maybe it was her. I'll repeat what I said below. One of my girlfriends had great oral orgasms, but got little from vaginal sex. My wife can only get an orgasm with vaginal sex when I lick her ear. My wife also got the most enjoyment after she was 30. She is in her early 60s now and still gets much enjoyment. She had 10 partners between her divorce and me and only got real enjoyment from the sex with 2 or 3 of them. A lot of them were just like, "Ho hum, I'm getting screwed again." The guy has to be good for you to enjoy sex with him. He has to take the time to warm you up. I don't mean kissing for a minute and a few licks. I'm talking about 15 minutes to a half hour of foreplay and oral before vaginal sex. Some guys just don't do this, while others love it and rarely want sex without the long foreplay.
You are allowing yourself to get into a state of mind where you are afraid of sex. That will just make it harder for you to enjoy sex. You say that all of your friends are enjoying sex. Well, if men talk about the sex they are having, then they will always say how great it was, even if it wasn't. Who wants to admit that they didn't have great sex last night. I don't know about women talking, but I suspect it is the same when they talk about sex. Perhaps not all of them are having such great sex. Maybe some of them think they enjoy it without really getting much out of it.
Worrying so much as to cry about it is getting you in a vicious circle. The more you worry, the more you will not be able to enjoy it. You need to try to relax as much as possible the next time you will have sex. Possibly even more important is the guy. He has to take the time to get you into the mood. As much time as it takes. I don't know if all younger guys are like this, but I certainly took less time getting my first wife ready then I did after my divorce. I decided to make myself be good to my partner and take the time at kissing and foreplay. It didn't take long before I discovered that I liked that and no longer had to force myself to do it. Unless the guy gets much of his pleasure out of your pleasure then he may just not be getting you ready as well as he should to allow you to enjoy it. Your partner is as important, or more important, to your enjoyment than you are.
I can't think of much else to say to help. It is wise to see a doctor when you can, but you still need a good partner to allow you to get enjoyment out of sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think my problem has something to do with my hormones. I should be able to feel something regardless of how much of an emotional bond I have with the guy. Lots of women have fbuddies that they use for their own sexual pleasure and have no problems getting stimulation out of sexual intercourse.
right now i am waiting to be approved for some health insurance so i can consult another doctor. i will never feel good about myself until i know i can enjoy penetration. it kills me inside to watch all of my peers be able to feel something during penetration while i cannot. sometimes i just sit around and cry about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was in a relationship with a guy that lasted for a year a while ago. I wasn't in love with him but I defintely was comfortable enough with him to go there as far as sex. everything else felt great 'oral sex.' It's just fingering and penetration that doesn't feel good. Even when I am by myself and use toys it sucks.
there is probably something wrong with my hormones. i think i should be able to feel something regardless of who it is with or the trust factor. i don't even feel anything with myself so there defintely is a problem. i just wish i could solve it and it would go away.
i am not a very happy person as a result of it. i generally feel down and depressed about it. Seeing movies where or hearing about my peers having great sex disturbs me. I want a normal and satisfying sex life too that consists of more than just oral sex and foreplay all the time. I want to be a whole and complete woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): I don't know where you got this guy from you are talking about, but if you cannot get pleasure from your toys, a condom is going to make no difference. The only thing you are going to get out of not using a condom is an STD or pregnant, no pleasure. It must be a very hard thing to deal with, but you can't just put yourself at risk like that with someone you just met. You could be talking about changing the rest of your life over trying something that you truly know will make no difference. You are only 23, you have a long road ahead of you and you don't know what you could find to help with your dysfunction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Hi, I doubt you will be back here again since it has been a month since posting, but I saw your forums that you had created. I would like to at least talk to you. If you create your profile as Yoyanna again, I will contact as soon as I find it.
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Hi,
How long have you known this guy? If it is for a shorter time, I think you should be very careful to go “raw” with him, you risk getting std:s which might cause a much worse problem than the one you have now. Be careful with him if he suggests this after only a short time of knowing you.
Sex is very much in your mind as well as a physical thing, and when thinking too much about what you are doing, you risk getting too self conscious to be able to let go and start feeling. There are many women that don’t feel so much pleasure when younger, it is not because something is wrong with them, but it could take some time before your body “learns” how to feel pleasure. Wait for a guy who you really trust, and who makes you feel relaxed, then let yourself go all crazy with him. ;)
Wish you all the best, good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): HiStrongly disagree with this guy he's winding you up.I say in order for you to feel what you want to feel you need to be in a strong loving partnership were it is more than just sex. many woman can descibe what you feel just having sex with some guy, but if you have feelings for him and he you the it's a whole diff ball game.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): I haven't gotten a chance to read through all of the replies, but I do have one question. Have you thought about connecting to a man besides physically? I'm only 34, but I have learned that although men connect physically, women connect emotionally. How do you feel about the men that you having relationships with? Are you moving too soon? Do you feel as if you're ready and then try? Or, do you have the feeling that if you don't do this he's going to leave? Even as a man I've discovered the true emotional bond that makes the love making mind-blowing itself. Don't get me wrong, when I say love-making, its not just the act of having sex. It's in the touch, words, feeling that you have when that person is near. It's the way their voice sounds. It's in their walk (you just can't take your eyes off of them. To put it simple, it's everything about that individual, and not just one or two things.By all means take your time. You will eventually find that individual that you connect with, and when you do, I feel sorry for him. He's going to have a lot of loving to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I recently met a guy and I've informed him about my issue with sex. He is telling me the reason why i don't feel pleasure is because of condoms and how they can numb physical pleasure for both male and female. He suggests that I should try doing it "raw" with him. It sounds like that might be the possibility. Anyone else think this might be why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think there is something wrong with me because I have experimented with sex toys and I still get the same unsatisfying result as I do with a partner. It's not normal to not feel any pleasure during sex. There is defintely something wrong. I don't think all these women out here are having sex and not feeling anything at all. They do it because it feels good. Maybe they cannot orgasm but they do derive pleasure from just having a penis inside of them.
I feel like I am going insane. It's hard living in a world where most people can function normally and you can't. I am so depressed about this and I want to get help for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): Dear poster
What makes you think thats there something wrong with you it could be your partners just not pressing the right buttons, not experianced enough there are loads of reasons.
Explore yourself if you can manage an orgasm ther is Nothing wrong with you.
I am now 43 was with partner for 18yrs yes sex became better with practise it took me yrs to come with intercourse some woman never manage it no big deal as long as they take the time to please you for aslong as it takes and show they love you what more can you ask.
Hope this helps and stop worrying you are normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter so many failed attempts to get any pleasure from sexual intercourse recently I have made the decision to see a Urologist. I heard they specialize in sexual dysfunctions. Hopefully, they will be able to give me treatment so that I can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I defintely don't want to go through my 20s frigid. After hearing how so many other young girls say that a penis inside of them feels good it only motivated me to get an answer to my problem. I pray that I find my answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): You say that you like oral sex. Do you have orgasms with oral sex? Many women can only have orgasms with oral sex. Others need stimulation of an erogenous area to have an orgasm with vaginal sex. One woman I went with many years ago would have very intense oral orgasms, but could never have a second one with vaginal sex. She told me that she had always been that way. My wife can only normally have vaginal orgasms if I also lick her ear. That works every time, but it is rare for her to have one without it. Do you have a very sensitive spot that is accessible during intercourse?
Next is the discomfort situation. Do you get wet enough before intercourse? If not, then perhaps your partner is not spending enough time at foreplay - kissing, nibbling, licking, oral or whatever turns you on. If you're dry then it will be uncomfortable or hurt. Try a lube like KY. KY Silk-E is great, and no taste. You can get it at Wal-Mart for about $5 per bottle. Apply outside and inside with fingers. If you are always afraid of discomfort then you will never get aroused properly. If you don't have discomfort with the KY, then you will start to become more relaxed after a few tries. You may not even need the lube once you are not afraid.
Oh, and dump that doctor. Good luck.
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female
reader, samohir  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Oh Honey,Never beleive completely to Doctors. My father is one, and if i was to believe everything he said would have been stuck on sickness probably. Firstly,dont take that fact as granted,You might have Or not sexual disfunction.It might be temporary or last a bit longer. As far as sexual and psyhological things are concerned, apart from some extremes like genetically transffered shisofrenia or some other, The others can be solved.I rarely go to psysicians to conslut about matters, and when i Go its mostly useful but also it depends on my application in real life how will it works.
regarding ur problem i would say i had also like that, Since my 22-23 wasnt able to enjoy in sex and experiance any orgasam.You might conclude that my partners were unsatisfied as well as Me.
What i did, is looking at my naked body in the mirror,like a child,investigating every part of it, touching and i started practising self-satfication as well. So, i would suggest to try these things first, to try to satisfy urself firstly and than gradually will be able to experiance Much much pleasure in sex. Make atmosfere,leave ur imagination to flow freely without stopping it and to bring u in the realms u didnt expect were existing before. Its all in ur mind , Nothing else. So relax, and try masturbate, It proves at least in my case it proved very Useful:)
Good Luck
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reader, Oblivia +, writes (8 November 2007):
Oh, you must feel so terribly sad! Reading about what your doctor said to you make me very angry, don’t believe this doctor! I can’t believe there would be something so wrong with your body so that you could never feel good with a man, and this doctor saying this is not helping you at all, don’t go back to her. Are there not any other place you can go to that is not too expensive? Maybe it is a psychological problem rather than a physical that makes you feel that you can’t feel pleasure, and to find a support group where you can talk about it will maybe help more than a doctor?
Don’t feel you are not good at anything, it is not true! You are not incapable of having or needing a loving relationship. Maybe the men you’ve met this far has not been right for you? As a start I think you should never proceed to do anything with anybody it doesn’t feel good with. I’m only guessing now, but could it be that you have been in relationships with men that you haven’t felt safe with? Have you felt that you must go through with them even though you might not have felt like it? Then this could be an explanation to why you feel such discomfort now?
You are a loveable person who deserves to meet a good guy who cares about you, don’t ever stop believing in that!
Wish you all the best!
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female
reader, ~MissSincerity~  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Perhaps you should be with a guy for a while before you consider having sex with him, that way you know he is with you for you and not because he just wants sex. If he loves you he'll come to understand and be patient. He could help you and attend relationship councelling with you. If you take the sexual relationship very slowly you can build up to it until you feel ready and relaxed enough to try again. Perhaps, as the others say, it is caused by deep rooted anxiety, and with work and persistance will improve.
Best of luck, and most importantly, don't blame yourself. This does not make you any less of a person and can most definitely be worked on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was not raised to think that sex was bad or dirty. Nor was I abused as a child. I really want to enjoy sex and I have a normal sex drive where I masterbate on a regular basis. I even bought sex toys like dildos for experimentation. I love oral sex but when it comes to sexual intercourse it just doesn't feel good to me. I am very depressed because of this. I feel inadequate and I am very envious of women who do enjoy penetration.
It has gotten to the point where I would get mad if a friend talks about her sex life. I just get angry and frustrated. I feel like i have been cheated.
As for counselors there are none that work on a sliding scale. Sex therapy ranges from $80 to $150 a session. I do not have that kind of money. And being that I am trying to get into nursing school, I have to put my priorities first. A career is very important to me. But at the same time I do want to have a satisfying relationship as well..
i am so depressed i don't know what to do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): First off, you're 23 years old. From experience, a woman's body changes. What once may have worked for me in my 20's does not work now and a whole lot more works for me now than in my 20's. I had a very difficult time achieving orgasm vaginally (only 3 times until I was 38 years old) and never orally until I was 34 years old. I think a couple of things helped. One, I mentally got over my hang-up that I just couldn't achieve orgasm. Secondly, I put a lot of thought into masturbation. After I figured out what works best for me through self-love, I was then able to convey and steer my partner onto the right path. Guess what, it all works now. Most partners will not mind if you add the self-love to his lovemaking.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 You need to begin to understand why, rather than accept it as fact. There must be some hidden reasons, perhaps abuse in your past from a parent or other adult figure when you were a child, that left you feeling that sex is bad, wrong or somehow unenjoyable. This is not normal. So before you chaulk it up to your personal defect in life, find out why. There are plenty of counselors who work on a sliding scale, and with low-income families. Find one and schedule an appt. Before you can enjoy a fulfilling romantic relationship that does include sex, that you can enjoy, you must get help to discover why you feel this way. These counseling sessions should help you overcome your feelings about sex by showing you how you can re-program the "bad" you have in your head, into something fun, enjoyable and fulfilling. I wish you the best.
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