A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a man who is rather controlling and kind of immature. However, he won't change since we are older. I realize that to enjoy all the great things about him (and he is a wonderful companion for many reasons) I must develop coping skills.On my side, I find that I am suffering depression due to many unrelated issues of my own to do with work etc. My depression causes me to lash out at him and complain bitterly about his shortcomings. I recognize this as an old pattern of mine from previous failed relationships, where I have driven men away by this critical attitude.What can you suggest that I do to prevent myself from doing these tirades?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): I'd like to say how deeply I appreciate each answer you have given here. Every post gave me pause to consider and I thank you for the time you have spent thinking and answering. It's been quite helpful, actually.I don't think my partner is a purposely negligent partner. I'm beginning to think that his emotional intelligence is much less well developed than his intellect. It is the intellect that is the attraction, and of course, tall good-looking person as well. Even has been an executive numerous times in his career.His birth order is youngest of about 7 mostly female siblings, whereas I am a middle child of 3 with older sister and younger brother. I think this is part of what makes him comfortable with me shouldering the burdens more so than he does.He says he wants me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him. He says he has no complaints about me and seems to insinuate that I should not therefore complain of him.... :-( When he says that I feel as if I am a whiner.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (22 December 2016):
 "I must develop coping skills."
Why???
This will never work. Want to know why? For this reason....
"with a man who is rather controlling and kind of immature."
A wise man will know what to say and how to behave in such a way, that will calm you, and leave you feeling secure. He would know how to bring you out of your depression, and there would be no need to lash out as you say.
You ever think you are lashing out because you a frustrated at his immaturity? Do you feel that you have to be woman and the man at most time?
If you feel that way...you are not depressed...You are fed up. Your womanly way want a man in your life...a mature man who knows what the hell he is doing.
Most of the time when people are depressed, it's our own fault. Why?? Most of the times WE are holding on or doing something that is against our very nature. Most women are five year more mature than most men. So if your nature is to be mature about life, and your partner is the opposite, what do you think happens to your mood?
"he is a wonderful companion for many reasons"
Companion? A wonderful companion is someone you take on a long road trip.
I think you need to sit down and have a talk with yourself. Are you holding on because you feel the need to look after him? Are you holding on because you feel bad to leave him? Are you holding on because you feel you can change him?
How much more of your life you plan to invest in this?
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?]  +, writes (21 December 2016):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) Developing coping mechanisms could be a huge help. Others have also stated seeking out further help in terms of seeing if there's a certain type of depression. (This doesn't mean anything bad at all!) I have depression myself and I'm currently taking zoloft. That's not to say you'd need to take anything for it. You may just need someone to talk with about the troubles you're facing, someone who understands you and knows where you are coming from. We all choose different ways as to how we express ourselves. It's okay.
You should think of the things you love to do, hobby wise. Even going out with friends and doing crafts or something you know will further help you not think about the stresses you're battling with your relationship and your work.
However, not all problems are completely your fault... Sure you have stumbled across a few rocks here and there in relationships. (So what?) they haven't worked out for reasons, not just you. What you can try to learn from this experience is that certain things aggravate you. But in order to learn from these ordeals, you should seek a medium before coming to the conclusion that it's just you.
You stated that he's immature and that he wouldn't change because he's older? That's not true. No matter the age, if he's not mature, you're not the only one in the wrong. He has things to work on too. From this you should try and focus on your strengths and speak to someone who can give you the proper tools in order to move on in a healthy way. You don't have to do everything we say necessarily, try to find something that would only be of use to you and how to carry yourself. If you think you have depression, maybe you should tell your doctor and they can give refer you to a psychiatrist who can give you a more thorough ruling.
I hope you feel better soon, please do let us know what happens. If you want the help, do it when you see fit.. Just know you're not alone, we all face our own battles everyday. And no one can say you're at fault for that. I wish you the best of luck! My warmest hugs and wishes for you, my love.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Big HUGS.
Watching this with interest as I recognize the same behaviour in myself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2016): You may not be able to prevent this at all without some professional help and that's the truth as far as I can see it. But you may be able break this vicious cycle of driving partners away but it is going to take a lot of work and your partner is going to have to be very patient.
My suggestion is to give in to your partner's controlling nature, but more so, have him understand that he has to take the lead when you lash out at him and prompt you when you do it. If you think you trust your partner and believe that he is sensitive enough to help you with your behaviour then this may be the best way to deal with the angst.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (21 December 2016):
 There are many types of depression, have you been diagnosed with a particular type? This will make a great difference as to how you will be helped and you cannot just solve this at surface level. Imagine a tree with its branches and leaves and roots. You are trying to sort out the problems on the leaves and the branches, when the problems may be deep down in the roots. You need to sort work and all other issues even before you try to sort out your relationship issues. This is not really the place to sort out these things that can be quite complicated. It needs a counsellor that knows what they are doing. Go and see your doctor and ask him to refer you to a professional counsellor or therapist and then you can have a good talk to them x
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