A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Had a strange conversation with my daughter and need opinions. A little history: I married very young at 18 because I got pregnant. My husband at the time was 9 years older. We were in love, only had 1 daughter and we made a life together. I never cheated on him, though I had little crashes here and there. I don't ow if he did,probably not. Allin all, we have a good marriage. My daughter is 28 now, called me recently and we talked about dreams. I told her about my dream that there was a stranger in it, and it was not papa, it was another guy, and I felt through my dream how much he loves me. It was not a dream with much events but it was just feeling of love that a man feels for a woman. And then she goes/ she said she thinks that we need to date other people. Both of us. She said our marriage is all about companionship, but there is no romance. That's why she thinks we bicker a lot.,She said, she wants me to be happy and experience once more what it is to be held by a man and be loved in this way. She said she doesn't want me to spend another many years without this love. She said, it's not even going to be cheating, because when there is no romance there is no cheating. She said, papa is not going to be hurt by it because he doesn't feel this way toward you anymore. Should not we just divorce,I asked. Why, my daughter said? You are at the age when you have this comfortable life you both created with a nice house, business, friends, p,us, you are getting older, and you need each other to take care of in time of need. So, whatdo you guys think of this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2015): I totally see where your daughter is coming from. But no doubt I'd seen that fail too. Our generation sucks. We want this polyamorous lifestyle but then no one can stay 100% ineffected by hurt, rejection, jealousy. What if Papa makes the first move, albeit your choice right? He finds someone ten years younger or even my age and he wines and dines her. You're at home, doing his dirty dishes while he is out for the night with this girl? Tell me, can you wholeheartedly accept his happiness before your own? Cause I have seen girls who even suggested this to their guys and a few whose guys made a move before they did. And one case she literally was home, bored, doing their dishes from breakfast after work, realizing she did this to find romance and still maintain what they had, but instead he was now mr. Romance and flowers with some new chick while she was played the maid. It's not easy. I have heard people speak so highly of how enlightened it would be to not deny this and that, we are intelligent beings biologically programmed to love many people and monogamy is antithetical to that and so on. But I have not seen any one who can live this way without someone or both partners getting hurt. Nope.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 October 2015):
I am 29 and your daughter is 28. Advice we offer would be from our perspective of living this generation and in this generation the things she suggested are not out of the ordinary. I don't think what she said was weird but of different age groups tend to see things completely differently.
I can't really say if what she said is right or wrong. But if happiness is the end goal then I suppose you need to talk to your husband at some point. Obviously, there are multiple ways to reach the same goal so it wouldn't hurt to talk to your husband. Maybe a vacation from everything. Or a new hobby. Something you both can agree on. The suggestion she gave seems more like a last resort sort of thing and I do not understand your situation enough to comment on that. Plus it is not for everyone. But don't avoid the issue. You are not happy and she can see that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2015): I don't think your daughter is odd, I think she cares, and sees the situation for what it is.Often, when we are in situation, living it day by day, we don't realize what is happening and need an outsider to tell us what's going on. Your daughter loves you and wants you to be happy. She can sense that you are not happy in that sense and your dream was a proof of it. I can say that you are very close with her, otherwise she wouldn't come to this conclusion, and she would not tell you this.I agree with may be getting some conseling. Not to to repair your relationship with your husband but to see clearly whats happening in your life. I personally don't believe that relationship can be repaired by a professional. I know many couples who spent tons of money to only later divorse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): Who cares what we think? What do you think? You're the one with the marriage and the daughter.I would tell her not to offer advice unless I asked for it and to keep that opinion to herself. Unless she's already talked to her Daddy? What an odd child. You raised her so you know her better than she should know herself am I right? So tell her thanks but it's my life and I'll do as I please. Unless you are thinking she's right in which case this is a very different question.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2015):
 I'm sorry, but you daughter sounds a bit callous or just very jaded when it comes to relationships.
JUST because you two aren't acting or feeling like "teenagers in love" or lusting after each other 28 years later, doesn't mean there is no love, just companionship.
If you decide you want an open marriage and your husband agrees you are inviting in drama, because VERY few women can have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached. UNLESS both you and your husband AGREE to an open marriage, it IS cheating. Doing it behind your husband's back IS cheating.
If you aren't HAPPY with what you have, I'd say the HONORABLE thing is to divorce and explore whatever you feel you need to explore.
I think what your daughter is suggesting is detrimental to a healthy marriage. It's USING a spouse as someone to fall back on whole sharing parts of yourself with someone besides your spouse.
What good are marriage vows if you aren't going to stick to them when they aren't "convenient" to you?
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (12 October 2015):
 if you invite another person in the marriage bed you are likely to do damage to what you have built together over many years. why not fix what is broken in your relationship now. maybe marriage counseling ?
if you invite another man in your relationship you are taking a chance of becoming emotional attached to him, creating jealous feelings from your husband, plus hurt.
a lot to think about before crossing that bridge, that will be burnt when you go over it.
your daughter means well, but does not have the years, and what you have invested in your marriage. think twice before you make a move.
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