A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid ReaderI am really concerned about my daughter who is ten years in age. She lives with her dad at quite some distance from my home address and has done so since the age of six (this is due to deep mental health issues on my part). When speaking on the phone to her recently, I felt a level of concern for what was communicated on her part. She told me that she sees herself has ugly and that she perceives herself as bad at many things in life (particularly areas in school and her development). Her words were that she felt pretty until the age of five years and then she went on to explain why she isn't very good at what she puts her mind, too. This also included her inability to sleep well. My deep concern is that she is referring to low self-esteem and poor self-image (plus lacking in personal confidence in her capability). First of all, I feel bad that any concerns in my mental health and dysfunctional well-being in my personal struggles may of had an impact on how she is feeling now (knowing that we all run certain behavioural patterns unconsciously).More than anything, I really want to put a stop to her thinking now, before her self-concepts develops into dysfunctional behavioural development and adulthood challenges that are detrimental to her well-being. My issues with mental health originated from early childhood with my parents conditioning me with low-self worth. It's disheartening to hear my daughter speaking less of herself when she has so much about who she is as a person. Would greatly appreciate any advice as have recently got past another crisis point in my mental health. This is not to say my daughter has viewed this current low point, but simply to illustrate personal status on health and well-being, with the thoughts of wanting to add more value to my daughters life. She also stated that she wishes she was pretty like her cousin (my sisters daughter). Ironic, as my sister was the one who was praised in an abundance by my parents and went on to develop more of a positive self-image etc; now my daughter is the one comparing herself unfavourably to her cousin.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): First, I know you're being a concerned and loving-mother; but you must be extremely careful not to project too much of your health-issues onto your daughter. Kids are very impressionable at ten years-old! I would suspect you feel a certain amount of guilt; if you are unable to always be there with and for her. It's natural for any parent.
Children go through their stages, and little-girls are prone to be very sensitive about their looks. Usually, when they suddenly seem focused on that; there is someone, or a group of kids behind it. You're doing everything over the phone, and from a distance; without investigating through her father why she's saying these things.
Ask her if anyone is telling her that she's not pretty? Ask who hurts her feelings the most? Ask her if any of the children at school bully her?
I'm feeling very uneasy about you dealing with any of this, considering you're being treated yourself for your own mental-health issues. You should be telling her father all of this. He's the obvious person to tell first!
Your daughter lives with her father. What kind of a father is he? Why come here and not go to him? You will have to anyway!
Is he totally oblivious to all this? I find that particularly odd. How can he not notice his daughter is depressed? He raised her from a little one, so why wouldn't she bring these things to his attention? I'll assume like most daughters and dads, she has grown to be daddy's little-girl. It would seem he would be very vigilant over her moods and well-being. You wouldn't hide these things from him, would you?
Ten year-old girls don't hide their feelings; and can often be very dramatic and demanding of attention. Unlike teenagers, young-girls that age will tell you what's bothering them. Boys her age might clam-up on you. Why not tell her father, or stepmother if she has one? What about grandparents, aunts, or uncles? Why is she so alone and going through all this, but telling no-one but you?
It's normal for children to be envious of other children. You can't make her any prettier, but you can be encouraging and uplift her spirits. Discourage her from comparing herself to other girls.
First and foremost, you have to discuss this with her father. I am being very cautious; because I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your ex. I don't know how much of this is you projecting onto your daughter. Kids go through these moods and sometimes they only want some extra attention.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 March 2020):
 Your daughter needs to see a doctor and possibly a therapist. This kind of emotional self-sabotage needs to be dealt with professionally and she needs to be given the tools to handle these thoughts.
There’s not much you can do from where you are, aside from listen to her, but you should discuss it with her dad and ask him to take her to speak to a doctor about it (ideally female, so she feels more comfortable).
This kind of thing can be natural, to a degree, but that doesn’t mean it will go away on its own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.
I hope that you are seeing a therapist.
There's no doubt about it that your health problems, divorce, current living arrangements have influenced your daughter's well-being. and I'm not saying this to judge any of you. It's a simple fact.
You don't tell us much what her dad is like and if he has a partner or if he's seeing someone.
Every single thing influences a child.
She would greatly benefit from therapy even if she appeared to be ok, because, as you have said, she has had to deal with some pretty serious stuff from her young age.
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