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female
age
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anonymous
writes: Hi, please help. My daughter is 18 almost 19 years old and dating a really old guy, he's 27 and I disapprove very much.My daughter lives on her own and pays her own bills so she assumes this means that i have no control over her. she's been seeing this MAN for about 4 months and it's driving a wedge between us.she wanted me to meet him and i refuse because i think its disgusting and wrong. shes ruining her life by being with him.ive not met him and i never will, it bothers me so much. how do i make my daughter see that being with an older guy is going to RUIN HER life?? please help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): 27 is NOT old. They are probably both at the same maturity level. You are being overprotective.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Mom...were you sexually abused as I know the emotional is a given?
Mom, are you perhaps projecting this onto the man?
Mom, do you have any personality disorders? Are you on medication or off of it?
Have you ever had counselling before?
Get some individual and marriage counselling. ASAP
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Dear Anonymous Mom,
We all understand your pain. Letting go of a child is not an easy thing, but unless you let go and allow her to make decisions on her own, she will never become a woman you can be proud to say is your daughter. The best advice we can give you is to allow your daughter to live and learn, and believe in your heart she will make good choices in her life, just as you have tried to teach her. If her choices are not what you hoped they would be, understand that your daughter's education is not over yet, you have just ceased to be her main source of guidence. Be there for your daughter, repect her choices, and help her pick up the pieces if her choices are not always ones you agree with. You will gain much more respect, admiration, and love from your daughter if you are able to do this, rather than remove yourself from her life. I am sure that neither one of you would like to not have the other in your lives. Yes, it is difficult letting your child become an adult. Your life has centered around your daughters for the last 18 years, sacrificing your own needs for the betterment of your daughter. This is the price we all agreed to pay when we had children. Your life is not over inspite of it feeling to the contrary. Your daughters life is just beginning. Try to recall how you felt at age 18. Ready to take on the world, infallible, invincible, and the world was yours. The life experiences you have had have taught you that the world is not as pristine and wonderful as you imagined it to be, but would you have wanted someone to take that learning experience away from you? Probably not. Lessons learned legitimately stay with us, lessons told by others are often forgotten. Continue your job as a mother as you have, by being concerned for your daughters well being, but remember now that she has moved out, you have been promoted to 'observer', and it is just the next role you have to play in being a parent. I hope that this may touch you in a way that you understand that we are not attacking you. We feel compassion for you... your new role is not an easy one, but it is a necessary one, if you truly DO want the best for your daughter.
Sincerely,
Lilly
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Well said Malyce.
She is not 'some baby teenager' she is a woman of 19.
Get a grip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Well why do you care? You don't. Don't try to pretend you are some loving and caring parent with a valid concern.
If that were the case you would not be prepared to disown your daughter over someone you DON'T know and DON'T care to know.
You resent and hate your Husband and hate and resent your daughter; why did you get married and have a child if you are such a festering, nasty, Nazi?
GET SOME COUNSELLING ASAP you abusive twit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): Listen, I'm not the one with the problem, HE IS.
tell me honestly, what kind of 27 year old guy would be interested in a baby teenager?
a sicko!!
and to answer rythym and blues: Does he have some criminal record we don't know about?
No, unless you count pedophilia or statuatory rape or something.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (31 December 2006):
 Honey...I understand you want to pick perfect man for your baby. However, if she is paying her own bills, living on her own and making her own way at 19...haven't you done a great job? My neighbor's son is 25 and still mooching off MOM...won't go to school...won't work..won't even date.....all he does is play games on the computer.
You are not the boss of your children...you never truly were. You were her guide only. You still can be if you don't screw it up by refusing to let your little bird fly.
Does your daughter have a good head on her shoulders? Did you teach her to make good decisions?
I hope you did not teach her to be as judgemental and controlling as you are being right now.
How dare you refuse to Meet someone who is important to her. How can you Judge a man you have never Met? By a number on the Age meter? Please. When I was 25 I dated a 74 year old man....and It was a sweet wonderful thing full of the most amazing conversations and yet....all those disapproving eyes.....I had to be after his money...and he had to be an Old Fool.....nobody gave us credit that maybe we were just two people who happened to enjoy each others company and we were both history buffs to such an extent that we could discuss Napoleon or Ptolemy for hours.
Good grief...has she mentioned that he is pill popping druggie with 18 kids by 12 different women who didn't finish the 4th grade because he was sent to prison? What has she Told you about him that makes you hate a total stranger?
By the way....an 8 year age difference WILL NOT RUIN her life.....but a mother who won't give her the benefit of the doubt and who can not be pleased ever...will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): You should be proud of your daughter living on her own and paying her own bills!! I sure would be. She is a very mature individual and knows what she wants out of life!!! And since when is 27 old? You talk like he's already in a nursing home!!! Your daughter probably has been with guys her own age, and decided that they are not what she really wants...probably so immature and not career-minded at all....more like party-minded!
She wanted you to meet him....and you said no! And that you will never will do!!! I can't get over that! As long as they love each other and treat each other with respect that is right in my book.
I think that if you care alot for her, you should accept her wishes. You might be very surprised...you might even like him! And then you might feel bad about thinking the way you did about him. Don't judge him until you meet the YOUNG man!!! I wish you all the luck in the world!
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female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (31 December 2006):
 I'm sorry to say...but with your control issues your daughter will soon want nothing to do with you. My fiancee's mother is exactly the same. She hates me so much...but I've never ever given her a reason to do so. She seems to think I'm not "good enough" for her baby.
However, it has totally backfired on her, and her son. now 27 years old, hasn't seen or spoken to her in quite a while.
So please, take a step back and trust your daughter to be a strong person and stand on her own two feet. She's self-reliant, which means she won't need to come running to you to fix her problems. Which also means that her realtionship with you will be strictly if she chooses it, and not out of nessesity...if you continue down this road she will choose to cut ties with you.
Is that what you really want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): A girl's mother is the one person that teached a girl how to be a woman and your attitude about it being her problem if she ends up 20 with 3 kids and that you will never allow him around the house means that you don't see the power of your own influence over your daughter...This is different than trying to control her...but if you rationally accept her choice in a boyfriend and offer her your opinion and guidance about making life choices explaining that you only want the best for her, then you have the power to influence.
Her father having a good relationship with his daughter has influence over her choice in men, she will pick nice ones if her emotional needs have been met by her Dad, if he thinks he is a nice guy and he has actually met him then perhaps he is a nice guy....if she is picking jerks, then perhaps it is because the two of you (mom and dad) don't get along and your husband is taking out his stuff on his daughter...if that is happening then one of the things you can do to help your daughter is to present a united front and refusing to meet her boyfriend is not the united front that I think you are after....
Does he have some criminal record we don't know about?
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female
reader, xNatx +, writes (31 December 2006):
 Hi, It is nice to see that you obviously really care for your daughter and are very concerned but having your mum butting into your relationship is not the best thing in the world. i no it will be hard but try and sit back let her get on with it and learn from her mistakes if he really isnt the right guy for her she will realise that sooner or later but the more you tell her hes not good for her the more she wil push you away, i only sound so confident about this because my mum used to say it to me all the time and we ended up not talking for weeks and when i finally did realise that the boy i was with was deffinatly not right for me it made me wish i had listened to her in the first place, but you have to be there for if they do ever split up because she will need you then more than ever. There really is nothing wrong with a big age gap, whats more important is that your daughter is happy, you may not want to but go and meet him for the sake of your daughter she will apreciate it more than you getting at her about it. I really hope this helps.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
Madam and mother of this 19 year old - you are a control freak. let your grip on your child go. Sort out your own issues, like repairing your own marriage and asking for help with your 'control-freak' tendancies.
Please let your daughter do her own thing and stop being so nasty!
x
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
Madam and mother of this 19 year old - you are a control freak. let your grip on your child go. Sort out your own issues, like repairing your own marriage and asking for help with your 'control-freak' tendancies.
Please let your daughter do her own thing and stop being so nasty!
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Married and with 3 children...I have four and I am happy beyond measure.
You on the other hand...are married and have a daughter and a complete miserable and sorry individual.
I Wish Your Daughter the Best and I find such comfort and joy in knowing she has a very loving and supportive Father.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Wow...you do have some serious issues. Daddy's girl...so you think your Husband is a pushover and with this you have next to zero respect for him and love...daughter grew up in this home environment with overbearing Mom who has to be right, who knows everything, and who continues to feel she can make decisions for her daughter...face the truth...you can't. You no longer have control and that is the REAL underlying issue.
You came on here to be justified and guess what...what does it mean when most people say...you need an attitude adjustment and face REALITY?
Get some counselling to help deal with your unresolved issues from childhood where you felt the need to control and dominate for some semblance of security?
Pity me...I am alone in the world...I am the ONLY ONE who has common sense and WHO can ONLY LOVE my daughter.
YOU'RE NOT A VICTIM so resorting to that old tatic won't get you support or sympathy and still doesn't make what you are doing right or healthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Alright well clearly many of you disagree with me, fine. i'm obviously the only one who can see the problem here. my husband has met this man and says "oh yes he's quite nice." but no nice man would be with a girl her age. i know his type.
i'm completely on my own on this i suppose. my daughter is a complete daddy's girl, so my husband won't step in to fix this. i'll not have this man round my house ever, if she wants to end up 20 years old with 3 kids that is her problem.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
She loves him, you cannot accept him. It is not her behaviour that is driving the wedge between you, it is yours. She is adult enough to make her own decisons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): My apologies...I meant overbearing Mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): That's 8 years difference and I agree, it seems like a lot now.
This is the part of Parenthood I am hesitant about experiencing but I decided to be a parent and it is how good of a parent I was that will instill in my children how to govern themselves in the world and what choices they will make.
When they are of the age you daughter is, I will have to let them go out and live in the world and make their own choices bad and good. Even in times; I will have to shut my mouth and let them make decisions that may be easier for me to see the outcomes but they may need to learn the "hard way".
What your role now is, is to be there when she turns to you for comfort, support, guidance, love, approval, acceptance.
So if this decision of hers will break her heart and it is going to happen to her as that is a part of choosing to date and marry.
If your reasons are he is too old; she is going to look at you like you are some alien.
Overbearing Dad...you used "she assumes you have no control over her". Guess what? You don't.
Her living life and experiencing it; making decisions and experiences their outcomes is not driving a wedge between you both. It is your attitude, view, and you not coming to terms she is an adult, you cannot always be there except to be open arms and a listening ear (no I told you so...stuff like that will take her from you).
She isn't ruining her life. Stop being so dramatic. Stop being pig headed.
You love your daughter? You want what is best for her?
Let her live her live and let her learn by experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): " how do i make my daughter see that being with an older guy is going to RUIN HER life?? "
How do you know this to be true? Can you see the future? Or is it because its happened in *your* experiences?
You're obviously going to disagree with me, but I think you're in the wrong and as the "grown up" one there is a lot more you can be doing.
For starters: Invite them both round for dinner. Get to know the guy. At least then, if you don't like him, you'll have a good reason to want to split them up. Your daughter even wants you to meet him, that is certainly a good thing, is it not?
I am almost 27 myself. Until last year I was living in halls at university around students your daughters age and on the whole it was impossible to notice the age differences between anyone.
Your daughter is not ruining her life by being with him. It is your attitute that is ruining something; yours and your daughters relationship. You need to distinguish between your own issues with an older man, with what seems to otherwise be a perfectly normal and healthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): While is difficult for you you just seem to have made assumptions based on this guys age. You have every right to be concerned but you should meet this guy, and find out more about him. If this man is right for your daughter he should have the maturity to realise that you are concerned and if he is serious about your daughter he would want to win you over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): I wanted to ask what is it about him being older that you think will ruin her life?
Perhaps you need to put into words what you fear about her choices in life will ruin it....perhaps you don't want to see her pregnant or married at 19....Perhaps you want her to further her schooling and find a career so she can be truly self sufficient because marriages can and do fail and she will be much better equipped to get through life with a good job behind her and without small kids to be responsible for until she is older and more financially stable....Find the right words to express your fears, do not just refuse to meet the boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Your daughter is legally an adult, she is on her own for the most part it sounds financially, so you don't have much control over her if any, and the fact that you are trying to control her is what is driving a wedge between you more than the fact that you dislike the thought of her dating this man.
You need to back off or you will drive her towards him, if you raised your daughter right you need to trust her judgement, if this guy is going to ruin her life then hopefully she will realize that sooner than later, but you bashing him will make her disregard what you say.
I work with some 27 year old men and some of them are not all that mature for their age and some are, I also work with some 18 year old girls that are surprisingly more mature than some of the older guys, so age is pretty relative, and I think you might want to keep an open mind as you have not even met the fellow, you may like him more than some of her 18 year old male friends.
Now days young people have so many more choices for their lives than we did at that age and for many this delays their maturity....so 27 is not as old as it used to be in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Lillia +, writes (30 December 2006):
 You cannot help who you like or love really... If your daughter likes him then you cant really change that. Considering that you have not met this man then how do you know that he is not right for her? Most people at that age date people older or younger anyway it is not a rare thing. If you talk 2 her and stick by her then a wedge may not come between us. Trust me the worse thing is to care about something so much and to be torn apart from something else because of it. It is only a 8 year gap and that is not that much. You could look at it as an advantage because he would have aready been through that stage of life and could guide her/ advize her.
I hope i have helped in some way
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