A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My daughter is being so excluded in her class. And the girls ignore her and don't really want to hangout with her. This of course has affected her and of course concerns me. She is almost 11, beautifull both inside and out., sweet but on the quiet side, tall and athletic. Other moms have told me that the girls in her class are targeting her because she is a really pretty girl? It is hard for me to imagine that they would do that? As a result, her self esteem is suffering and of course as a mom, it really hurtts. I have talked to the headmaster and her teacher as well. Does it get any better.? Any words of wisdom? I have put her in tennis which she has done really well at and am trying to make sure she has a few good friends. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): I am the OP. Thank you for your responses and supported. She has done really well in tennis and that seems to have helped. Especially since she has joined a tennis club and plays on their tennis team with other girls close to her age. I try to help her self esteem and I have found some great encouraging books for girls her age that we read every night. It is very hurtful to me because I went through the same thing as a child. Because of the times, my parents chose to ignore it. As a result, I really focused on my education. I am a successful doctor now, happily married to a handsome successful man for 25 years and have two beautiful children. I have definitely gotten on but it still pains me to see my daughter hurting.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): We all endure this stage in our youth. She's in that awkward period before puberty. The best thing is to enroll your daughter in dance classes, let her play sports since she's athletic, take self-defense classes; and encourage her to participate in group-activities sponsored by her school or local youth organizations. Do your research!
These organizations build character, place kids on equal footing, and allow children to make friends on their own terms. They share time and adult-supervised activities together; so there is little opportunity for ostracism from bullies and products of poor parenting. To survive this planet, you have to have courage and determination. It's about survival, any way you cut it. You can't always be there to shield her from life. Try as you may.
Team sports and youth activities force her to be more outgoing, confident, and less intimidated by other children. They're after-all, just children.
If you overreact, you are making her a victim, encouraging her to isolate herself; and even more introverted by your over-protection. It's understandable, you're her mother. I'm not slighting you for that. Being a good mother is important for her development. It also gives her a good sense of security; as all children should feel safe and protected. They still have to learn some independence and have confidence. They also have to standup for themselves.
You also have to teach her how to cope; which is also your responsibility as a parent. Not always allow her to feel sorry for herself, cower from minor confrontations; or encouraging her to pull away from society. She has to live in it everyday of her life!!! Don't teach her it's about her looks. Worst of all!!! Children do not focus on their physical appearance the same as adults. Don't project your own insecurities onto your child; which is also a major part of her problem.
It's not up to you to make others like her. In-fact, she has to learn to endure the uglier side of people; because that is also a reality of life. Getting her into clubs and group-activities sponsored and tailored especially for girls and young women; will work wonders for her, and you!
They are free and everywhere! They are often found through your school, churches, synagogues, mosques, and national women's organizations.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 We moved across country a couple of years ago uprooting all 3 of our daughters as well as ourselves and it's taken a while for them to readjust.
My youngest is very quiet and very smart, so she did have some problem initially and what has been even harder is that each year they REDO the grades (as in which kids in which classes) so they had to readjust twice already.
They are however all involved in school clubs, which seems to have helped them all find peers they WANT to hang out with and who wants to hang out with them.
Putting her in tennis is good, if she enjoys it. She might met some girls and make friends that way.
My youngest have also made a friend with a neighbor kid, even though the girl is in a grader higher they get along pretty well. So do you guys have any neighbors that she can maybe befriend?
Kids bully or ignore other kids, NOT because they are ugly or less intelligent - but sometimes out of PURE envy. I know my middle one has a couple of girls absolutely hating on her for no other reason than getting a solo one of the "mean girls" wanted, and that was LAST YEAR... they are still "hating on her" and she is STILL ignoring them.
It IS tough to watch your child having to go through this, I was bullied, I got through it, had a GREAT time in college/uni.
THIS TO WILL PASS. It's a good thing to consider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): My son has AUTISM and has never been invited to birthday parties and has essentially been excluded because of his condition.Some of the other mothers at school exclude me from their group coffee dates or outings. How do I deal with it?I don't care first of all. I go on with my life. They are of no importance to me and they do not matter. My life does not revolve around what others do or think.Second of all, I surround my child with love. And his FAMILY surrounds him with love. At the end of the day all that matters is that he is loved and adored by his FAMILY, the ones who will be there through thick and thin for the rest of his life.Friends come and go. In fact, most times they were never really friends.Does your daughter really need people like that?Nobody else determines her self worth.Teach her to be strong in herself and eventually she will grow up and mature and perhaps in a different stage of life she will foster some meaningful friendships.But not at this age. Kids are petty and judgmental and cliquey. And their parents, even more so.In the meantime, enjoy your lives. Do things with your daughter. Have your family join in. Build her self esteem as a parent. Praise her. Encourage her to develop interests. Focus on her talents and abilities.Forget about others who are of no consequence. The best revenge as they say? LIVE WELL.Hope this helps. :)
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (25 April 2015):
Being there for her and making sure she feels loved and appreciated by you is the most important thing. Also, look into assertiveness training for children. This may help her learn to better handle social interactions and to stand up for herself. If there's nothing like that nearby, ask her to describe the situations she's in and maybe you can help her form better reactions to them. I also highly recommend martial arts training. Not only will it teach her how to defend herself physically (which could be important when she grows up and may have to deal with less than savory boys and men), but it will improve her posture and the way she moves.
People are easily targeted when they look like victims. I was a pretty child, with a symmetrical face, long, thick blond hair and long even limbs. But I suffered from a low self esteem and I walked and stood hunched over, as if I was always trying to make myself smaller. Kids looking for a scapegoat react to that kind of victim potential like a shark to blood in water.
Because of her shyness your daughter won't have a snappy retort ready and it's easy to hate someone who has something you want (in this case: looks). Once she gains some confidence it'll get better because their remarks won't hurt her as much and because it's no fun to harp on somebody who isn't affected by your behavior.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 April 2015):
Kids are so mean. SO mean. Nobody can force other kids to hang out with yours.
I have a beautiful, intelligent 12 year old daughter who is experiencing the same thing. What do I do about it? I hug her and tell her she is beautiful, and that kids are often mean and callous and that middle school sucks. I tell her to focus on having a couple of really good friends and not to worry about popularity. I tell her to work hard in school because school is for learning. I tell her that it may get better next year, or the year after, or in high school, but that after high school it will ABSOLUTELY get better because none of these things will matter in the grand scheme of life. I talk to her about being teased when I was in school and empathize with how it feels.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I cry for her, because it is painful to see her feeling unliked.
My daughter and I will get through this together, and so will you and yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): This girl needs judo or kick boxing. She needs to feel strong and they are picking on her because she is vulnerable. This can escalate very quickly. Can she change schools? I say this because teachers say there is zero tolerance and that's rubbish. They say they will reprimand the bullies but can they watch them every minute of the day
This needs to come from within your daughter.
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