A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help me my daughter 19 previously a loving member of our family has found a 34 boyfrind(manfriend) who has whisked her away to live in a flat with him. We have never met him, and although we tried to reason with her, and then just resorted to being friendly with her, in order to keep in touch, she nows has turned against up completely. She does not want any contact, i am also sorry to see she is loosing contact with everyone else she has known. I am now out of ideas how to keep on her side and am afraid that this man is a controller who will in some way harm her. what should i do? she keeps telling us she is a grown-up who can make her own mistakes, but if he was a normal guy wouldn,t he at least meet us?
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female
reader, carmen69  +, writes (4 March 2009):
I have personal experience. as I left my family when I was 19 to live with a man of about 45 years of age.Unfortunately, your desire to protect her can make her rebel even more.If you have any connections to her friends, please try to get them to connect to her.Unfortunately, she will have to make the choice to leave on her own will.It took almost 2-3 years for me to leave my ex, and even if she does leave, her life will never be the same as such sick and twisted relationships permanently affects you
A
female
reader, carmen69 +, writes (4 March 2009):
I have personal experience. as I left my family when I was 19 to live with a man of about 45 years of age.Unfortunately, your desire to protect her can make her rebel even more.If you have any connections to her friends, please try to get them to connect to her.Unfortunately, she will have to make the choice to leave on her own will.It took almost 2-3 years for me to leave my ex, and even if she does leave, her life will never be the same as such sick and twisted relationships permanently affects you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): look be very careful,
its not necessarily just a relationship. check out the cult info service and read up on thought reform and things.
my daughter left suddenly at 17 and moved in with a 45 year old and his wife we now havent seen her for nearly 2 years, she's not allowed any contact with her family or friends, she was made to change schools and everything, now we dont even know where she is living, even if she's still in australia.
remind her of the good times she used to have with you as a family and how much you love her, dont critise her just be supportive and interested in whats going on.
i hope you have more luck then we've had
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (18 October 2007):
 Hi
I am 19 and my bf is 30. I would like to give you advice from my perspective.
Mail me and i would write back
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Hello,
I respond to your question as soemone who has herself been in the very situation your daughter is in. Perhaps she has found more security and guidance with him than healthy love and affection. Perhaps even she feels pressure as a 19 year old to incorporate new sides of herself, to achieve, to become-- and he is acting as a shelter from all that. It seems the age-old story of scared or trobled or lost or overwhelmed girl who seeks a mentor or supporter of sorts, like a life boat when it all is so difficult. I would tell you that the most imperative thing is that you do not lose touch with her. Let her know that you do not approve, but do so in such a way that elucidates your concern and love. Most likely, she is aware to some degree that this might not be the best option for her. Assure her that there exists support and attention elsewhere, and that if there is a specific problem, it can be overcome (with your help?). Insist that while she is certainly old enough to make her own mistakes, you are in a position to help avoid the detriment that comes with these, and that you would hate to see her falter needlessly, that you are there to steer her away from the bad and towards the good. My prognosis--? With time, my guess is that she will come to see that there is a better way that life could be. I, as well as others i have known or heard of, eventually opened my eyes to this fact, and left, reassuming a more healthy path. If it is the case, remind her that she always has your home to return to, that it can be easier and less strained. Encourage her to be familair with her needs, and preferences, and aspiriations. In time she will come around. Be patient, but firm. And best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 This does not add up for me. Is it possible that there was something about your family that was not loving to her, or made her happy that she would WANT to get away from you all?
Also, did you try to stop them from being together in any way? Is he from a background that you disapprove of, or culture, or ethnic?
When I dated my wife, I made every effort to let her parents and brother get to know me. Well, they hated me, my business, my weight, and refuse to even beleive I had gotten a university education. I do not drink, gamble, smoke, do drugs, act violent, and in addition to a day job, I still find time to run a home business and do stuff for free to help people. Still, I am not good enough for their daughter. They however were very critical of her all her life and never apologised when they did something wrong or in error, and I always make her feel good about herself and praise her for being who she is.
We married. They were invited. THey did not show up.
They now tell everyone that it is her that abandoned them for me. This is why I have to ask these questions. Children do not run from home like this unless they are running from something. Is there something that happened to her that you do not know about? Have you asked?
HEr comment: "... a grown-up who can make her own mistakes" is exactly what my wife said to them. What was going on at home that made her jump ship?
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Your daughter is an adult and so has every right to make her own decissions however I would remind her that if she were a responsible adult then she would sit down with you and make sense of the situation.
It sounds like her partner has alot more life experience than her and if he were any kind of descent human being he would respond positively to you being eager to meet him and comply, also showing you that he is responsible and willing to stand forward for your daughter. It sounds however as if he is hiding behind her and letting her take the flack from you for their decission to move in together.
I find it strange that if this relationship is legit and above board that she would want to cut a loving family off from her new life. I have to pose the questions, has she stolen a married man? and/or does she not want you to find out something about him? ie, he is a drug dealer or woman beater.
Im afraid you are going to have to be firm but fair. Your daughter knew that you wouldnt be happy with the age gap and that is why she is reacting this way - so spare her that lecture and voice your other concerns. Accept that she will continue with this relationship reguardless but refuse to be elimiated from her life.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Hi,
I really feel for you, but she is right she is a grown up and there is nothing you can do to stop her being with him.
But any man worth his salt that wanted to see a girl that young, would want the approval of her family. He is already stopping her from contact with family and friends, no doubt telling her she only needs him. Dont you think she will see through this.
If I were you, I would keep in contact telling her you love her and would love to meet him. If she doesnt want this, dont force the issue, but be there to pick up the peices when it goes wrong, which of course it will.
Dont whatever you do say anything to upset her, it will only push her more his way.
Let her realise on her own, and I am sure she will come round eventually.
XX
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