A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a forty-three year old married woman of eighteen years with four children. My marriage has always been rocky but we have stayed together through thick and thin. Before I was married to my husband, Tim*, I was engaged a man, Carl*, whom I was dating for four years prior. At a point her moved and our engagement broke up, but we remained a couple. I started dating other people and met my husband at this time. If it wasn't for my overbearing mother, I would have married Carl. Twenty years later, I discover Carl on facebook. He has a band and we begin to catch up. I planned to have my seventeen year old daughter start to sing with his band in my town. At one singing event, I started to realize I was falling for him again. We began to have late night chats and one went too far and it got sexual through the internet. What I didn't know was that I left my facebook open on my seventeen year old daughter's laptop and she read the whole thing. She confronted me and I am completely torn. I still want to talk to him but I don't want to hurt my family and leave my life behind. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Are you sure your feelings were for Carl? If so why did you start dating other men while you and Carl were still a couple. And why did you marry Tim? You might find that you are just a bit bored with married life, feel a little neglected and finding Carl has made you feel young and excited about something again.
I wouldnt advise cheating. As you cant even remember to log out of Facebook, the chances of you being any good at sneaking around and cheating without getting caught by your husband are very slim.
As you still seem to find the thought of your old flame exciting and you arent really worried about how your sexual conversation has impacted on your daughter, it shows how silly you are being. It might be better for your husband and daughter if you sit down with them and explain everything now, rather than wait until you are caught again, possibly by your husband. If this happens and he is devastated, your daughter is going to feel so guilty because she knew what you were up to. Spare your family a thought and do right by them. They should come first and if they dont, you should be honest with them and leave. Trying to see Carl on the side AND keep your cosy set up at home is selfish of you and will lead to tears
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Well, you already hurt your family. And if your daughter decides to tell your husband, then you're really in trouble. I hope you see how selfish this entire thing has really become. Not only have you involved yourself in what appears to be an internet affair, but you have also gotten your daughter involved in your actions as well. This entire weight of responsibility is now on her shoulders, and the guilt associated with you having this 'affair' is now her guilt as well. Does she stay loyal to her father and tell the truth? Or does she spare her parents from possibly breaking up, all the while knowing what her mother is doing behind her father's back? These are huge decisions that YOU have placed on her, which isn't fair in the least, and is rather irresponsible.
What do you do? If you truly value and love your family (which your actions up until now suggest you don't), then you will continue to talk to this man. The fact that you STILL want to talk to him after you daughter has made this discovery suggest how deep you are in your world of illusion and self. You are a mother and a wife now. This isn't back in the day before you were engaged to your husband, and it sounds like you have some growing up to do.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I appreciate that you have put this question out into the open, but it blows my mind that even after you put your daughter in this situation, you still want to continue this 'affair'. What would I do? I'd stop talking to Carl AND I would come clean with my husband. If you don't, your poor kid is going to be caught in the middle and constantly wondering what she should do or if she'll regret whatever decision she makes. Otherwise, you are totally continuing your actions of irresponsibility and shifting the weight of this terrible situation onto an innocent. Your daughter. Please grow up and realize what you have, and what you're ruining in the process.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): it's happened to me... but my daughter is 15... talk to your daughter and explain what was going on.. they are mature enough... ask her what you can do if anything to make things better... even if it takes you sitting down with your husband and letting him know...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): You obviously pretend you love your husband and you're just together because of your kids, but that's never a healthy thing for the children. This is one of those great examples of why not. Grow up! Looking up Carl on the internet when you're married is gay. Pretending you innocently want your 17 year old daughter to play in his band so you can deceive your husband makes you a whore, and pouting because you might lose your old crush as a friend makes you a 13 year old for brains. Not to mention what you're teaching your daughter when you go online talking dirty to some loser who's not her dad and shaming yourself forever in her eyes. And where's Tim, by the way, when you have your late night flings with Carl the superstar? Oh let me guess, it's justified because he's never home or he's sleeping or doesn't satisfy you.. pfft..
You're just worried now, looking for someone to save you, and I hope your daughter squeals on you and learns more from her dad than you in life.
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A
male
reader, Cowboy255 +, writes (13 February 2010):
Ouch tough spot I'd maybe explain it my daughter don't lie be honest tell her about how you know him and everything if u lie it will get caught imnot saying tell ur husband but you can't go that far ya know unless u want that man and that was the one but every realationship has ups and downs but explain to her what's up maybe just go for a drive with her and have a talk tell her you want to go someplace and you want her to come but don't make it look like an extremely huge thing cuz I don't know how ur daughter is and she could use it against you as leverage to get out of things maybe u should talk with ur husband I don't know how he reacts to that kindof thing if this isn't of any help I'm doing the best I can I've never been in that position I don't even have kids good luck to you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Unless you want to risk your family, then let "Carl" go. I'm sure it'd give your daughter peace of mind and let you remained focus on your marriage. Continuing to talk to him would probably escalate matters and bring back old feelings.
If you're happy with "Tim" then why would you want to risk it?
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