A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im sorry if this turns out to be a long post but I have quite a lot i'd like to get off my chest.I honestly dont have anyone to talk to about things that are going on in my life.I do have friends but theyre not that close where i would start talking to them about personal things such as family problems, etc.. Only because I finished high school last summer and I went to a college near my house and met new people and made new friends. I have only known them for a year and I personally wouldnt like to open up to them about my home life, even if I did, I know it wont help me as they're more associates rather than 'friends'.So to begin with, my parents are divorced. If i go into the story about it i'll be here forever, so to brief it up.. My dad cheated on my mum and had been for 3 years, she didnt tell me or my brother but me and my brother found out one day by reading his texts, there was a confrontation, my parents tried to work things out, they obviously didnt, so they divorced and he is now with the other woman. They have been seperated for nearly two years now but the divorce only went through a month ago. Even though everything came out in the open over a year ago, none of us are over it.My parents DO NOT get along, they've tried, my dads selfish and my mums stubborn.You guys can say "my parents need to be grown up about it and get along for the sake of the kids (me and my brother)" but I can tell you now, its not going to happen and I fully understand because my parents are only human, they have too many differences for them to actually get along, especially since my mum is extremely hurt.Since then my whole life has completely changed in a way that I would have never imagined.My dad was always someone I looked up to, same thing with my brother. My brother and him were close as were me and my dad.Now I cant seem to take him seriously, I really dont look forward to seeing him, theres just spite there and for some reason i cant seem to get rid of it.I've tried many a times but that dislike for him always seems to always come back.The problem in the family is that everyones hurting in their own way. I'm hurting, my mum is and so is my brother. Since my dad left my brother has become extremely aggressive, rude and immature.Hes started smoking, hes always just lazing about at home (he is in university but when hes not hes just doing bugger all), he doesnt pick up after himself, always talking on the phone in the middle of the night extremely loud waking my mum up, arguing with my mum, shouting at her and basically never ever listening to anyone.It gets soooo stressful because theres just SIMPLE things he wont do. And we have to keep doing it.There hasnt been a day where there hasnt been a fight or argument.Its either him and my mum going at it, me and my mum going at it, or me and my brother going at it.Theres just never any peace anymore and i can say that its definetely to do with the fact that my parents have divorced and that my dad has done what he has done but this has been on going for two years and I feel like its never gonna end.I understand everyone has problems, many families have issues they need to deal with. But my family is so broken and everyones suffering from it that its hard to make ammends and i dont know if it's ever going to happen.I have nobody to talk to either. Like i said, i do have friends but I wouldnt talk to them about something like this, I dont even want to try to be honest, I know them well enough to know that im not going to receive any help or advice. I've tried going to a counselor but that didnt help me at all. I wasnt comfortable talking to them whilst they were just looking at me and listening. It felt weird.Honestly, I dont know what to do.I feel like giving up but I cant because there's nowhere to escape to.I can't get away from this mess and each day it gets harder to deal with.Can anyone help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You can work though this. Don't feel so alone. There are people out there who can help. You've made a great start by writing down your feelings and asking for help.
Your family is in a hole at the moment, and you want to know how to get out of it! There is tension everywhere, you are all at each others throats, and the situation is stressful. A lot of families go through this. You have all been through a traumatic experience. Particularly your mother. Mums are special people. They bring us into the world and care for us, feed us, love us. They are there when we take our first steps and look after us when we are sick. They sacrifice a lot in life for their children and partners.
Now is the time for your mum to move on to a new phase in her life, and she needs a little help. As a family you need to learn how to have fun again and value what you, your brother and your mum still have together.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Your parents are so consumed with their own hurt that they've stopped being parents. No wonder you are sailing in a ship without a rudder and feeling lost.
Do you have any relative, or a teacher you found you could trust who might be able to suggest how you could get better support to deal with these big issues?
No one should expect you to do it alone.
I don't sense talking direct (yet) to your parents is going to help at the moment as they are both hurting, far too much at the moment. And their hurt is so bad that they are not noticing how much you and your brother are hurting too.
You and your brother are not getting the support you need. But you can't force people to be responsible when they are overwhelmed by their own other pressures.
You also cannot parent your brother. And as much as your parents might need a shoulder to cry on, that is not a role you should take on.
But you do need some role models who act and live like caring responsible adults.
I am going to suggest you drawn on all your inner strength to identify some adults who do act in a way that is peaceful, caring, responsible, not selfish and not stubborn. You do not have to speak to these persons, just see instances when they act in a way that you would like to be as an adult. Can you see they lead calmer and more productive lives since they act in ways that are more peaceful, caring etc than your Mom and your father?
To alter the dynamics in any relationship it just takes one or more people in a group, to change their behavior, to ensure others react differently.
If you look at those adult role models i suggested you identify above, look at how they deal with situations, and try replicating their approach, when dealing with your family, then you may be surprised at the result.
Sometimes it only takes a few changes for things to improve.
Yes your brother is not ideal in his reaction. Let him know you will interact with him when he is respectful, considerate etc. And will ignore him when he is not.
And mean what you say, and follow through.
Walk away from arguments. They can argue with the wall or a paper bag, but you don't have time to stand and argue any more.
If you can find any good volunteer community project in the community where you can make a difference then join it, and you will meet other good people like you.
We become the people we associate with most. So associate with good, caring, responsible people and you will gravitate to such people, and become more like them. Then your family will just have to 'catch up' to your good example.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (19 December 2010):
Well it's sad that they divorced and that the dad you looked up to turned out not to be the perfect dad after all......but the question now is how you move on with the rest of your life and enjoy your own chances for happiness.
On a practical level if you are in College do they not have dorm accomm you could move into ? Sounds like the tensions at home would be v good to avoid for a year or so.
I don't think trying to point out the error of his selfish ways to your bro is going to do any good either : he's hurting in his own way [ sometimes boys are more sensitive and upset than you expect them to be ]. He has to be allowed time to work thru the painful time.
I would move out if you possibly can, even if it means taking a part time job to pay rent.
And try a different Counsellor - you do need the therapy and if it isn't working with that one it might work better with another....Worth the try.
When you move out it might be your bro would miss you and realize he has to stop his stupid self-destructive behaviour - which wd be another plus.
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