A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Dad has been with his girlfriend (now fiancee) for just under 18 months.At first things were great, they seemed really happy, and I know my Dad had been really lobely for a while. Me and my sisters have always had a really close relationship with my Dad, he's also our friend, and would do anything to look after us.After him and his GF had been together 6 months, they decided that she would move in with us, with her younger daughter as well. Again, things were great for a few months.Then my Dad changed. He became strssed, moody, irritable, he's always had a bad temper when angry, but usually it would take ALOT for him to get angry. Then he told me I had to move out, which was a shock as I had literally just graduated from uni, but was in a low paid job, trying to work my way up the ladder. He'd always told me that I could stay at home as long as I wanted and needed to, to build up my career, that he knew I would have a good career etc.After a couple of weeks, he told me I didn't have to move out, then a few weeks later, he got angry over a really silly trivial thing and again kicked me out. This carried on for a few months before I decided I'd had enough, and found a really cheap and unfortunately crappy (!!) room to rent.Just since he's been with his GF, he's changed, our relationship is strained and we're not as close as we used to be, and it's the same with my sisters. I know priorities change, but all that seems important to him now is his fiancee and her daughter, many occasions he has compromised mine and my sisters happiness to make her daughter happy.I also found out that his fiancee has been lying, I can't work out if she is being malicious or not, but every arguement seems to stem from her, without her actually being in the middle. She makes comments to my Dad about me and my sisters, then he gets angry and has a big go at us. I noticed his fiancee trying to come between me and one of my sisters, at first I didn't cotton on, but she would make comments to me about things that she had aparently said about me, etc. Several tims I have caught her out lying to me about my Dad etc...Now they are planning on getting married next month. I can't help but feel my Dad is making a big mistake, he has let this woman come between us all, our family isn't as close as it used to be, she's been lying and really sh*t stirring...I've told my Dad how I feel but he's not interested.Do I just let them get on with it?
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female
reader, Manya  +, writes (23 August 2008):
Sound terrible for you and your sisters! I think that if you ALL think that your father will not be happy with this woman, then you should find a way to visit him when she's not there and ask him, one final time, in a kind way if he's really gonna be happy with her. Tell him you've felt left out, etc.
Obviously, it's his own choice. If she makes him suppress his
feelings of love for his own children, she must be putting some big pressure on him. No wonder you're upset!!!!!
It's possible that after they're married, he may relax and become the Dad you knew once again.
It's a total bummer, and you and your sisters have my sympathy!!
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I can sympathize. I had an "evil stepmother" who did the best she could to break up our family. He kicked me out of the apartment before they were married even though I was the one who lined up volunteers (my friends) to move us, for free, from his old apartment to a new place on a third floor walk-up apartment 10 miles away. She insisted that he get rid of me because she wouldn't come to visit him if I was there. My youngest sister was still living at home, and my stepmother forbade my sister to talk to any of her four siblings because she didn't like the rest of us.
Eventually we just had to accept this. My dad knew absolutely what was going on, but he was helpless to do anything about it because the only thing he could have done was to stand up to her and that would have resulted in a divorce, and he just literally could not have lived without her.
We finally reconciled when he was in a nursing home dying of cancer, in the last month before his death. The evil stepmother tried to get us banned from seeing him, but he wrote it in the instructions when he was admitted that any of us could visit at any time no matter what his wife said.
The truth is, there's literally nothing you can do about this. Your dad knows exactly what's happening. He wants what his fiancee is giving him more than he wants his continued good will of his children. That's just the way it is. It really sucks, but there it is. And I doubt it's ever going to get any better. Some step-parents are just like that. (Men are no better than women, by the way, although women do seem to have a tendency to be more inclined to stand up to their new fiancees on behalf of their children than men are.) And I'm sorely afraid that you're just going to have to live with it. It broke our hearts, but we did.
P.S. At the memorial service after dad's death. my brother in law broke into the attic of my dad's house and stole several boxes of mementos, old photographs and other souvenirs, from our childhood, that our evil stepmother had told us had been destroyed. Not a lot of the things that we knew my dad had were salvaged, but at least we got some of it. If it had been left to her, we would not have gotten any of it. Fortunately, my brother in law had training in special operations and she never knew anything was going on until it was far too late, and then she couldn't say anything about it. She certainly was not going to object that he had stolen something that she had told us did not exist. If your dad has anything like that in his possession, you might want to try to get it transferred to some other member of your family before that becomes an issue with your family. Once she gets her mitts on such treasures without him around, they will be gone forever.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I am afraid that it is your dad's decision and ultimately his mistake to make. Be there for him as best you can and always let him know the doors are open for communication. I am sure he is torn between the two of you and this isn't a fun position for him to be in either. I had a very similar situation with my step mom at first. It got worse when they adopted two kids as she didn't want me to call my dad "dad" as it confused the new kids. We were all older and in college. She did try to come between us a few times and unfortunately what ended up happening is that my sister and brother and I lost our dad for nearly 25 years as this continued to go on. Only just a few years ago his wife and he came to me and said how sorry they were and that they didn't realize that in their struggle to make a life together, they pushed us out.
One thing I did very early on was go for a car ride with my dad (at age 22) and we had a nice long talk and he did confess at that time that his new wife wasn't navigating the new waters quite right and he asked if we could have patience. I told him that I was just nearly a kid myself and that I would try to keep peace. These days I actually look forward to seeing my step mom and she does treat me very, very nice. Perhaps a long talk with your dad would allow him to get some things off his chest too. Try as best you can to support him and I hope he will support you too.
All the best.
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