A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently got engaged to a wonderful man and we are planning a wedding for spring 2013. I've been with my now fiance for about 6 years now, so I feel like my dad should have had this coming. To put it into perspective, my dad had a cold upbringing which has influenced the way he is with me and my brother- cold. My parents had a brutal divorce, they have not spoken or seen each other in 10 years and both loathe each others guts. So when I come over to his house and show the new ring on my finger, with a blank stare he asks "Why so soon? What's the rush?"Really? 6 years? Come on here. I could tell the news ruined his day. My mom was excited on the other hand and we already discussed the fact that her and my dad will have to see each other and act cordial to one another on my wedding day. She is okay with this, seeing as though it's for the sake of her daughter's big day.My dad on the other hand, when I tried to discuss his involvement of attending, walking me down the aisle, etc, wants no part of it. His reasoning? "The bitch [my mother] will be there and I never want to see her again."I tried to explain that it would only be for one day. I told him I would be upset if he did not come to my wedding just because my mother would be there. I told him "this isn't about you and mom, this is about supporting your daughter on her wedding day" and he just completely rejected the idea and tried to change the subject. I am upset about this. Am I over reacting? I've asked my fiance, friends and their parents advice on this. Some friends have said that if he doesn't do it, he's being completely selfish, and if he does not show up on my wedding day, then I should completely remove him from my life. My fiance says to think about having a small casual wedding that does not involve my parents. He brings up the fact that they might cause unwanted drama and tension throughout the wedding day.Does anyone have any thoughts on this? What's your take on it? Has anyone been in this sort of situation? Thanks.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 This shouldn't come as a shock to you. So he's a selfish man. Well, that wasn't anything new, you knew that already. So he's cold, again, not news. This was something you knew about.
I realize you were hoping for something better, but as an adult I think it is time you stop dreaming of a better reality and come face to face with what you have here: A dad who doesn't think your marriage is anything special, in fact it ruined his day to hear about your engagement, and he isn't going to attend the wedding, because he's a selfish and cold man.
Screw that. Ignore him and have a great wedding without him. You don't want him there anyway if he can't be happy for you and show a little good will. It'd be bad fortune for your wedding to have such a source of negativity around.
Be happy! Smile! You have tons of other people who wish you well and who will be there for you! Focus your energy on the positive people (and energies) in your life, not the negative ones.
To tell you the truth, I don't count on my dad being there at my wedding if I ever marry. I'd be surprised. He despises my mom, my mom can't stand him, and my brother refuses to talk to him (he's refused to talk to or see him for 3 years now). What I'm thinking is that... it'll be MY wedding. Their problems are NOT my problems. It's theirs. So let THEM sort it out. I'll invite everyone I want to, and then just see who shows up. Screw the ones who can't be civil and attend, that's their issue to deal with, not mine.
I don't plan to cut anyone out of my life over that though. I just play it by ear and see how I feel and don't do anything drastic. Just change your expectations when it comes to your dad, keep in him your life, but don't give him a chance to disappoint you again. Just don't expect anything from him and he can't disappoint you again.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 I agree with your fiance's suggestion. Don't specifically exclude your parents, but have a simple plan that does not require them to be there.
And as SVC points out the marriage is more important than the wedding. Keep it simple, light and upbeat. That way everyone can have a good time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2012):
 I'd be concerned that he can't put his own needs aside for even one day and be grateful that he's not going to ruin your day.
Weddings are not the key... marriages are the key...
Have your mom walk you down if you want...
I'm sorry your dad is such a child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): I know he is your Dad but his reaction alone would have made me reconsider his part in the wedding but the fact he cannot be grown up enough to suck it up and grin and bear it around your mum for one day is ridiculous.
Just so you know you're not alone in having an awkward family situation mine is slightly different but I am having my mum walk me down the aisle so don't be afraid to tell your dad to get stuffed and let him miss his daughters wedding. Don't let anyone make your day be awkward or uneasy - its about you and your partner commiting to each other and I definately am not having anyone come who would cause unnecessary tension.
Good luck : )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): It's a hard situation your in and I understand why your upset. If your Dad doesn't want to be there, you really can't force him into it. It does seem selfish, but there is another way to look at it. Maybe he is actually thinking about you, and he realises that he will not be able to be cordial to your mother and so he thinks it's better to just not be there, so he doesn't ruin your big day by causing friction or awkwardness. Your father is obviously still angry about the divorce and his view on marriage is now one of doom and gloom, that is a shame, but unfortunately you cannot change the way he feels. We all feel that our parents should be able to do things just for our happiness, but sometimes they just don't have it in them and they are human after all. I am not excusing his attitude, because I agree with you that it stinks and he should be there for you on your big day. I am simply trying to give another perspective on the situation and trying to give some insight as to how he may possibly be thinking. He may be doing what he thinks is the best thing to do for you on that day, even though you don't agree and it does hurt you. My best friend went through this where her mother and father just could not be in the same room after their divorce, it hurt her, but she organised to have photo's with her father before going to the reception. That was her solution anyway, and then later had a party with her Dad and his side of the family. It was hard, but she still managed to have the best day and enjoyed herself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 July 2012):
 You can put them in separate tables. Still send in the invitation. If he doesn't come it's his loss. You can't force him to bless your wedding when he is all bitter about the idea of marriage. Have a small wedding party just for your dad and his side of family alone. In your wedding speech you have to prepare one script with both your parents there and one with just your mom there.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Your father is an asshat. Ask your mother to walk you down the aisle, my daughter in law had her mother at her side, and another friend also walked HER daughter down the aisle, these days weddings are not so set in concre
Why have a small casual wedding just because your father is an insenstive selfish brute. Leave the miserable old sod at home on his own and make sure you have fun!
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