A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my father is a wonderful, loving and kind man. he is one of the nicest people. however my relationship with him is awful. alot of times i find myself hating and resenting him. my father treats me like i am 3yrs old. he speaks to me in "baby talk" still and it is though, like a child, my opinion doesnt count. eg he buys me stuff i consistently tell him i do not need nor want, i plead with him, yet then he does exactly what i tell him not to do. eg-dad please dont buy me any socks, im not a child, i do not wear socks - he listens and says he understands, then as soon as he goes out he would buy me about 20 pairs of socks and post them to me! he wastes money buying me things i dont need-like today he sent me a bunch of stickers! time before that he sent me cotton buds, paracetomal and baseball caps-which i am capable of getting myself if i wanted, but none of which i use! my father lives far away so posting all this stuff i do not need upsets me even more because he wastes so much money to post these things that i do not need or use and he is not rich! I do not like visiting him as he makes me feel so uncomfortable by being over the top! he wont even let me go to the burger king opposite his house alone! my father loves me so much but it is possible to love someone too much-it suffocates me. most times i cant bear to even talk to him, i have tried numerous times to speak to him but it all fails. i have told him how i feel, how he treats me, how it upsets me he never listens to my opinions or feelings, even sometimes to the point of im screaming or even crying- i have even threatened to stop speaking to him all together! yet nothing works - its as though he listens to what i say and it goes through one ear then out the other. some people may not understand or say im ungrateful but believe me this is hard! i know he is lonely as im an only child and he is single-but it drives me nuts! and the worst is i know one day he will be dead and i will feel so bad and guilty for treating him this way - i already feel that way! i hang up the phone cursing myself for loosing it with him or being mad. sometimes i am mad even before i pick up the phone just knowing it is him! but i have tried talking to him about it for nearly 10 years now and this is just who he is and i know he will never ever change (believe me i have tried!!!!!) i just need to accept it somehow and learn how to deal with it.i dont know how to overcome it or just grin and bear it because i loose my patience and get angry. but i need to be able to get around this because i know one day i wont have a father anymore and that would be even worst and i would feel even more awful for feeling this way and treating him this way when all he was trying to do was love me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I did not mean that you concsciously seek his approval, what I meant is that there is this underlying need in you to have a father who sees you for you as you are today, that is the ultimate form of approval and validation that all humans seek, particularly with their parents.
The way to change your mind set is first to put up boundaries with him, don't let him clean your ears, etc, which it sounds like you are not, but be firmer about it when it happens, and secondly to realize that your dad has problems, and that at his age you are not going to be able to change him.....if you feel you can't hug him because he would do something weird in return that that is one thing, to be repulsed by him means you have a deeper issue surrounding him like one of neglect and abandonment.
I think you may not think you need this, but I think some therapy would help you, if nothing else to learn how to let those things go about your dad that torment you, after all, it is you who is suffering from feelings of guilt over not having a dad that was there for you when you were little, you are the one paying for that...so why not seek some help from a professional who can help your process your issues?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I just need to clarify. My father didn't really bring me up - even though he was around and I didn see him, he spent most of my childhood being an alcoholic. He quit many years ago and turned his life around. So alot of the way he acts is I guess through his own guilt of when I was a child. I do not feel the need to have his approval - in fact I tell him little about myself or about my life as he makes such a fuss as he is OTT with everything - so I try not to give him any more ammunition to smother me with. When I visit him he wants to comb my hair, cut my toenails, clean my ears with cottonbuds,even brush my teeth if I would let him! he buys me kids toys still; it is too much! Growing up I never resented him for being an alcoholic etc I loved him no matter what. Also I can not bear to be affectionate to him-no idea why. When I was younger he would hug me, give me 50 kisses each night etc-I loved it. But now -the thought of even hugging him repulses me. His behaviour has just pushed me so far away from him but I know one day when he is gone I would long to hug him,speak to him etc and I would feel even worst so I need to change myself to how I cope with his OTT behaviour. I know I sound really unfair and like a spoilt brat but I am grateful to have a father that loves and dotes on me this much but the smothering obssessive changes my love for him and makes me start disliking him. Even my mum has tried speaking to him about it numerous times but he still doesn't change. Anyway thanks again for all your advise -please keep them coming on how I deal changing my mind set and handing him! Thanks x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Hi there,
I can relate on some level to your feelings about your father treating you as a child when you are clearly a grown woman....I went through years and years of that with my Dad as well, only mine would come in the form of verbal and emotional abuse, no gifts given that were unwanted, but plenty of not listening or hearing what I had to say, so you see it could be worse...My Dad has mellowed with age thank God, and so have I and we get on great in his twighlight years, which I am very thankful for. However, I wish he could have behaved more lovingly towards me during my youth when I really needed it.
Pardon me for analyzing you, but I think part of you is dependent on your Dad for approval, this is natural and a left over from childhood when our parents were God in our eyes....so his gift giving hurts you in that you don't have his approval as a competent adult, you want him to see that you have accomplished your goals in life and to be proud of you, but instead, he infantilizes you by talking to you baby talk and sending you little baby gifts.
My advice to you is that this is really Your Problem, the only thing in this situation that you can change is you and your reaction to your father.....step back and validate yourself for all you have accomplished, and realize that your Dad did a pretty good job of raising you to be a competent adult, and believe me he knows that and is proud of you, and releived that he does not have to worry about you anymore....his way of treating you is his form of endearment, he feels that he has that bond with you that you will get it, and quite frankly, I think it is kind of sweet and instead of getting mad at him, give your Dad a hug, a laugh, and oh, you shouldn't have, and give him back something of value to replace the expense of doing that for you if you want....this makes your Dad feel connected to you even when you are away, he misses you and he remembers you as a little child looking up at him with your adoring eyes, and that little girl is gone, replace her with a woman who is affectionate towards her Dad, and appreciate what he has done for you, and let him know that, maybe then he will relax with all the buying and sending you things....Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 July 2007):
 You said it yourself, just grin and bear it. Let him send you stuff, it makes him happy. Sell the stuff on ebay and send something nice right back at him. Just be glad he doesn't live next door! Try to call when you are feeling patient enough same with answering his call. If you are in a bad mood don't pick up. You are right about the fact that if you don't treat him well while he is a live you may have guilt as well as grief when he passes. You'll be fine sweetheart and at least you know you have a father who loves you so many people don't.
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