A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I really need some advise..I recently moved to a different country to study and even though I'm living my aunt, my dad keeps on calling me everyday and honestly, it's a very intensive course and sometimes I don't pick due to the fact that I finish late from school and I travel through underground services. Anyways, my boyfriend is coming to town and I want to meet up with him over the weekend along with a few other friends. Like one day I'm meeting up with my friends and the next day I'm meeting with just my bf. Right now I've told my aunt that I'll be going out this weekend and when I told my dad via whatsapp, he was questioning me a lot and like I think he's suspicious of me about this weekend and I'm afraid that he'll like tell my aunt to restrict me and stuff..The thing is, I haven't told anyone about my bf my parents aren't accepting of me to have a bf and recently they've been questioning me about it. While my aunt seems like she's more liberal in the sense she thinks I'm old enough to have one and she doesn't see the great big deal about my dad's ways. My parents generation and mine is a huge gap so upbringing is a bit different. So I'm not sure what to do. I'm just scared in a way? But I know my aunt is okay with me.. It's just that I feel like with my dad always calling and crowding me I feel like I'm not able to be more on my own? Like moving to another country was to help me be out of my comfort zone and that now Itravel to school on my own and buy stuff too.. So basically I'm learning to be out there.. What should I do? Sorry it's a bit messy everywhere.. Hope you can help me! Thank you...Btw I know not being honest is not a good thing but if I told them I have a bf they'll blame him if my studies slip or anything. They've met him when he was my friend and plus we've known each other for a long long time so... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MartiJJ +, writes (25 October 2016):
 Tell your father his constant upsetting you is interfering with your ability to study, that you have a lot to try and cope with at the moment, a new country, an intense course, trying to adapt and sometimes feeling homesick, tell him that the added pressure of his anger at you is one thing too much to take and your not sure how you will do on your next test now! Be prepared to show him that he upsets you! Is it customary in your culture for parents to openly tell their children that they are not trusted? Tell him that you love him but if he didn't think you could be trusted then why did he send you away in the first place? Let him think it over and stay in this weekend, let your aunt inform him you moped in your room all weekend, stressIn about a test, what's one weekend out from the rest of your life?
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 Thank you for the follow up, OP. I'm relieved to know what the cultural angle is.
I stand by my earlier statement about trust and honesty being a two way street. This applies to ALL relationships. If parents want their children to be truthful then they have to show that they can be trusted to handle unpleasant news with grace. No one is obliged to volunteer to have their lives made miserable.
I wouldn't recommend you keep your boyfriend a secret from everyone, but it doesn't sound like you're doing that. You're just keeping him from your father (and anyone who might tell him), yes? I don't see a problem with that. As long as you don't isolate yourself from other family members and friends and you're not engaging in any high risk behaviour, then just leave it be.
If your aunt is as reasonable as you've suggested she is then perhaps approach her about speaking to your dad (or your mum) about his constant, disruptive check ins. If he knew it was interfering with your studies, he might be more inclined to back off. Maybe you could offer to check in with him once a week instead of him contacting you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): I posted this question... I know it's like really wrong to keep my bf a secret. It's just that I can't tell them everything in a way? It's difficult in the sense that they don't accept western culture (I grew up in a westernise environment, perhaps that's why my thinking is different) it's like my fam is really "Chinese" to the sense that they're not open to new things? Like today, I got home at 8pm because my friends decided to have dinner and like my aunt knew I was fine but my dad kept calling her and stuff.. Like I know he's concern and all but when I got home my aunt called my dad and my dad was angry at me. So how do I even respond to that? Like coming home at 8pm sharp and he got angry.. So I'm really like stuck here.. That's the reason why I cannot afford to tell them about my bf.. They'll just think of different ways to stop me from seeing him and all and they have met him and thought that he was a really good kid.. Hes (bf) an a* student and they think he's a good influence on me as well because of him Chinese upbringing too. I mean there are reasons for my actions.. At this point I just feel like I can't afford to tell him. The way my dad reacted to me getting home at 8 is enough said. I really don't mean to be rude and to all of you or disrespect my dad. But it's just the way I feel. And in all honesty and all due respect, I have no idea how to react to my situation now. I am studying hard, I finish all my work before having a good weekend, I never fail to finish work or failed a test.. So yeahhhh but thank you for the advice..
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 October 2016):
 It's not so much an honesty at all costs; it's a case of safety. Nobody knows she has a boyfriend and that's one of the first things police ask, if anything happens. If the OP belongs to a culture where dating is not okay yet, then it should be followed until she is old enough to be independent and away from it.
OP, please talk to your aunt. If it goes against your dad's culture to date right now, please don't until you're old enough to not be his responsibility.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (1 October 2016):
I have some concerns about this 'honesty at all costs' philosophy.
It's easy for us in the Western world to advocate that young people confide freely and openly in their parents, but not all cultures embrace the ideals we do here. There is clearly a cultural angle here, and I suspect we can all guess which one. And we've all read the horrors inflicted upon young girls who defy their fathers.
This is not merely a moral issue, but a matter of safety as well. If you're aunt is the only rational person you can trust, you might want to talk to her first. I may be wrong, but I would be VERY careful about saying too much to your father, or anyone who might go running to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): You're not legally an adult and your parents have every right to keep track of your whereabouts, and who you are running around with. You should respect their authority, and remember who is paying for your education; which is the reason you're away. Not for your boyfriend.
You can't be trusted, because you have a boyfriend behind their backs; and that is betrayal of their trust. You are denying them the right to set parental-rules; and to have the peace of mind that you're behaving yourself and safe, while in another country.
Your aunt is not your mother. She has no right to overrule your parents wishes. Your defiance could get you into trouble. If you get yourself pregnant, or your friends get you into some legal snag; you'll be afraid to tell your parents or your aunt. That's because you know you kept things from them. Chances are you're having sex; so naturally you don't want to hear from your parents. If you are, use protection.
Your post is not very respectful of your parent's concern for your well-being while you're far from their protection.
They will never forgive themselves if anything bad happened to you; nor will they forgive your aunt if she allows anything to happen to you while under her care.
Parents have a right to snoop into your business and keep track of your whereabouts; until you are a legal adult and responsible for your own choices and decisions. You've already proven you can't be trusted, and your parents instincts are right on target about you.
Be honest. Let them know you're seeing someone, and let them meet him. It will gain their trust, and show you are dependable and trustworthy. Whether you think you are or not, you're not an adult and not fully responsible for what you do. If you get into trouble, your parents, or your aunt. would be the first to be contacted.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 September 2016):
Trust and honesty are a two way street. If we want folks to be honest with us then we must do our part by helping create an atmosphere in which they feel safe telling the truth.
If your father has earned a reputation for mishandling news that upsets him, then you're more than entitled to be frugal with information.
Perhaps you could enlist your aunt's support. Do you think she might be receptive to hearing what you've told us? Maybe she could pass on the word that your father's frequent attempts to reach you are interfering with your studies.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 September 2016):
 Your dad calls you because you are his little girl, you have moved to a different country and you are not even yet a legal adult off course he is going to worry and care. It is great you are being independent but you need to show maturity as well, and the fact that you are lying to your parents and being secretive is not showing that at all.
You need to be honest with them. Simple as that. The reason your dad calls all the time is because he worries if you are up front with him at least he will never be able to call you a liar, and not able to trust you again, so do the mature thing, stop making excuses and tell them. It is great your aunt is supportive but you need to learn to be honest. Do well in your studies and put them first.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 September 2016):
You can't lie about relationships; it's important that you can be trustworthy and mature - which a secret relationship isn't. I know it's tough, but it's important to play by the rules until you're able to be independent. Own up about your boyfriend and accept the consequences, OP.
Focus more on studies than on your boyfriend and your grades shouldn't slip. If you lie, they're right not to trust you to be responsible enough to have a boyfriend. I know it sucks, OP, but it's important you don't show yourself to be unreliable and irresponsible.
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