A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on my relationship with my dad. My parents marriage has had a lot of turmoil for several years, and recently, it's gotten even worse. On the one hand, because my dad and I are very similar, we communicate well and I tell him the most about my issues and vice versa. This has led to my father confiding important life issues/goals in me, before he tells my mother about them, if at all. When he talks about their marriage, I offer advice, which he has lately begun to take and apply. On the other hand, when he reverts to a parent, I once again become "the immature kid" who can be told who to date, and have their computer taken away because of "wasted time."The dynamics of this seem entirely off. How can I be so influential one minute, and then parented and ordered around the next?He should be telling my mother about these things first, but it just ends in a fight.We've talked about marriage counselling, but something always comes up that stops it from happening.Aunts, do you have any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I've been in an identical situation to you. Honestly, my story couldn't be any more similar. It was like this between me and my dad from the age of about 11 until I turned 16 (I'm 19 now). During my early teens I'd spend hours on end listening patiently to him, sorry that he felt he didn't have anybody else to confide in; no trustworthy friends or understanding family members. I gave him the best advice I could, and limited though it was, he appreciated and made use of it. But my dad as a father was tough. All the intelligence he'd credit me with when we were discussing his marital and life issues would be rendered void when it came to resolving my own problems and acting independently. I wasn't allowed to go out without either of my parents until I was 14, I couldn't use public transport. I never saw my friends outside of school or went to parties. And as for dating...When I turned 16, I began to withdraw. My dad would come to speak to me and I wouldn't respond as I used to; in truth I'd built up a great deal of resentment over time without realising it, and as the years passed, communication between us broke down completely. Nowadays we're like acquaintances. We're pleasant enough to one another but I can't confide in him anymore, I don't remember how to. There are important things about my life which he's completely in the dark about; it's an upsetting situation but by this point I have no idea how to resolve it. The reason why I'm saying all this is because I don't want the same thing to happen to you. TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! If I'd done so with my dad, maybe we wouldn't be where we are now. Ultimately, your parents problems aren't your responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't help them if you can, but everything has to go together: if you're expected to act like an adult in one way, you have to be treated accordingly in every sense. That's what I think anyway. Good luck, sweetie. I hope it all works out for you :)
A
male
reader, xnickx  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Yes. I think i can help.I went through the same exact thing. My parents faught constantly, and my mother did some 'bad' stuff to both me and my dad (semi-abusive and ignorant to her kids, cheated on him), and he knew all this but he wanted to stay together for the kids and felt it better. Well when he asked my opinion after she filed for divorce the third time, i told him to get rid of her, and he listened, thats how much he took my advice into consideration.Now, that the marriage is over, my mom is still being a pain in the neck, and he is having terrible terrible luck with lawyers and everything, everything is confided in me.Yet the next thing out of his mouth is being parented and ordered around, as you say.Whether it is right or wrong, telling him you are his 'child' and to get someone else to confide in, will not help your problems, atleast if your dad is like mine.If you admit to being a 'child' he will then continue to treat you like one, and order you around. He confides in you for a reason, because he thinks you're mature enough to handle it. Don't make him feel like he's misplacing his trust.At the same time, do encourage him to talk to someone else, just do it in a gentle way. Marriage problems are never easy on anyone.As to what to do, i will tell you what i am doing. Im not familliar with the education system in ireland, but im going to hazard a guess that it's similar to englands, which is kinda similar to the US's.Im 18 now, so i'll put up with being ordered around until i go off to college in a few months. If youre going to university, or irelands equivalent, i suggest you do the same, unless it really is an issue. After all, you are still his child, no matter what, and he does have the rights to say whats in your best interest until you are out of his care.You've also put up with it for a while now, so if you are heading to uni, why not just put up with it for a little longer for himIf you are not heading to university, or Irelands equivalent, than at your age group 18-21 you are nearing adulthood and really are capable of making your own decisions. in this case i think honesty is the best policy and maybe tell your dad your concerns that he trusts you to make decisions in HIS marriage, but not your own dating. Best of luck, and if you need anything else ill be happy to provide help/support,nick.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Your Dad is being really unfair confiding stuff to you he should be saying to your mother. Shame on him. I would tell him straight out that you are his child not his relationship and life advisor and that he needs to find someone else to talk to besides you about his problems.
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