A
female
age
36-40,
*londy123
writes:I'm not usually one to express my problems over the net, but would appreciate an outside perspective on this issue. My partner of 5 years and I got engaged 3 months ago. Everything was great until our family found out we had got ourselves into a bad financial situation, to help us out of this rut my dad offered to loan us money to cover all of our debt, we would pay him back over 2 1/2 years with interest. This was really generous of him, I'm not one for handouts but we really needed this to get us out of a bind, it was really starting to effect our relationship. However ever since the loan my father has entered our lives in a big way and is trying to control every (or give advice as he puts it) with every area of our lives. He says that my partner needs to grow up and take more responsibility and stop procrastinating about stuff. Now this is true and he has been really trying, he has stepped up and is doing the best he can, however my Dad (a bit of a perfectionist and quite old fashioned) can never be pleased, and lately he has been telling me basically that he doesn't think my partner is good enough for me based on what he does (or doesn't) do around the house. My partner comes from a completely different background than my father and is not as 'handy' as he is but he has a really great heart, always put others first and will always support me. My father in comparison is really a great handyman, has the picture perfect life but also left my mother for another woman 12 years ago, something I know my partner would never do. Now because of our financial situation and having to pay dad back dad wants to postpone our wedding (which is already pretty much planned eight months from now). We have already paid back a substantial amount to him within only a few weeks. Dad has really upset me, he's holding this financial thing against me and basically thinks it gives him the right to criticize every area of our lives including my choice in husband. Btw my mum adores my partner as do I. I hate telling him why I'm crying after every phone call from my dad especially all the awful things he says about my partner.My partner is starting to hate my father (for what he's doing to me and what he's doing to our relationship) I really wanted this whole planning/wedding thing to be fun and something to look forward to but I can't enjoy it and there's such a negative cloud hanging over everything. It's like I'm having to choose between my Dad and my future husband. Help...... what does everyone think?
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 I think that first you need to have a heart to heart with Daddy.
I think you need to talk face-to-face, calmly but assertively about how he feels about your fella. You tell him straight: I don't want to pick sides. I love you Dad, but I love my future husband and you're going to have to find a way to get along with him, because we're committing to each other for life. Tell your Dad how much you love him and can't wait to give him grandchildren and many more happy memories together, but also make sure he knows that he can't change what's going to happen between you and your fiancé.
I think that once he's calmed down a bit, your fiancé should try to reach out to him. You need to nip his issues with your Dad in the bud. You tell him that all though he's seeing a negative side of your Dad, he is your Father, you love him and you really want them to have a good relationship. Think about it this way - your fiancé has so much to learn from your Dad.
What a sticky situation. I hope Dad and fiancé can mend fences and make this even a happy, stressless wedding/life for you. Hopefully they can come together and make this work for you.
Good luck, sweetness!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): no you don't have to choose. your dad is protecting his little angel. Unfortunately she is no angel anymore , she is a woman.
I would talk to him - tell him look i am marrying him. It will be my only marriage. we can do it with you or with out you. if you are in you help. BF is going to be your son in law soon, so stop taking the wotsit.
the bf needs to get in with the dad - maybe get him to help around the house with Dad. My exGF's brother is a carpenter- i would spend a day knocking together a piece of wood that looks like its been run over and he would do it in about 10mins and its perfect. So i would let him do all the stuff, I would just be moving things ,making tea and helping hold bits of wood
and we started to bond.
Star.x.
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