A
female
age
36-40,
*confuzed*
writes:I really need some help/advice. I recently found out my dad was having an affair, if it was physical I’m not sure but it was definitely emotional.I was the first sibling to found out about it (Or to have my suspicions) but a month later my sister confronted me and we've been picking up the same signs. For example: my father would be on his laptop 24/7 even when my mother is around but no-one could ever see his laptop screen. He would also be on his cellphone when he's not in front of his laptop. (He never used to have a lock on his phone... now he does.) I saw him at his work typing a letter to his mistress he never saw me see that (he admitted that it wasn't for my mother). I have many other examples but don't want to write a book about it!My sister and I finally decided to confront him. He admitted that there is another lady but it wasn't serious. He said that she stayed in other state, but my sister and I didn't believe that. He promised to break things off.It's now been about two months and I still believe that my dad and this woman are at it AGAIN! This time I think I might know the woman. Personally I don't think he ever broke it off.I can't even get raw evidence- since we confronted him he's been covering his tracks.What should I do? I'm worried that my mother finds out and asks me why I never told her, but then I’m worried if I do tell her the 30 year marriage might end up in a divorce. They own their own business so there is so much that can be destroyed by my dad not being able to control his hormones. Honestly, I’m scared and I don't know what to do. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): You have given your dad the opportunity to end it but he choice to nevertheless continue his affair. If you “talk” to him again he would not stop. It is time to now tell your mother. You see the old man does not respect you and the sister.. he knows that since you want to protect your mum you will keep your big mouth shut. Well he had his chance didn’t he. Now time to get tough and bring your mum into the picture. You are actually hurting your mother more by keeping quiet. Keeping quite means perhaps condoning. I know this is not what you are doing but he sees it as you keeping his secret. Just like daddy have total disrespect for your mum he has no respect for you so the old man needs to learn the hard way.Let me tell you about my brother. Good family man, good provider. I heard a story and Mr never knew what hit him when i confronted him. I told him i could either contribute to the gossip or confront him with what i know. After a few conversations he spilled the beans. He has been having an affair with a woman for 8 years. And his wife knows her (doesn’t know yet that he is having an affair but they all work in the same shopping mall). My sister in law works her ass of in the family business, 7 days a week. As for bro’s mistress, he “made” her leave work and he supports her. Just like your mother , my SIL has helped my bro build the business. They are married in COP and i told him what his wife is entitled to. I also told him that even though he is my brother i would support the SIL if he divorces her. I also spoke to my financial advisor and he too confirmed my suspicions – since my brother is a business man there is a possibility he is stashing some cash away from his wife. Your father knows that it is only a matter of time before word gets to his wife. He is using this time to “steal “ from her. He will conveniently hide assets/cash from her. Do not be a fool. The sooner your mum finds out the sooner she can work on her marriage or confront him or divorce. As everyday goes by your father is falling more and more in the sh*t. He will destroy your mother and steal whatever he can while he has a chance. Please i know your intention is good but by the silence you are playing in his hands. It gives him time to strategise and make plans while your mum is in the dark. He has the element of surprise and he will use your silence to his advantage. Please i know what i am talking about. I work in the financial services industry. I know what goes on and how the long standing wife is left with NOTHING but heartache and pain . so please be the caring good daughter you are and tell your mother. Give her the choice to deal with it. your father will not stop until he is confronted BY YOUR MOTHER. Then he will have to make a choice. Just like i made my brother look at his choices, he asked me not to tell the wife, he advised that by xmas he will call it quits since he has 8 years invested with the wife. The longer i shut up the more my SIL's marriage wilts away. I have cried so much after confronting my brother, my hb laughed at me and asked me why i was crying when in fact mr bro was the one enjoying himself. Just like you i am also scared but know that my brother will only make a decision once his wife is in the picture. He asked for 2 months and i am giving him this but after that no more hiding.Your father is still at it months later and he will not stop until he is forced to make a decision. Your mum doesn’t deserve the element of surprise. I have an attorney lined up in dbn to help sil out if they decide to divorce. Your story is so similar to mine., we both care for our loved ones but tried to do the right thing. Its sad that the cheaters do not honour their word. Trust me when i say its time to have a brutal, honest talk with your mum. Please do not make her a fool. She will need all the support so please you and your sis be there for her. As for me, i will make certain that my brother pays dearly for putting us through this pain. this is a hard situation but action needs to now take place. your father should now be brought to book. be brave and please do the right thing.
A
female
reader, Siobhan.m  +, writes (12 November 2009):
i know EXACTLY what your going through as it happened to me a few years ago and i remember i found it very hard- in fact it still has a great effect on me as a person as i was quite young and i felt like the load was on me. i think the best thing to do would be to talk about it with your friends as this can really help take some of the load off and they can offer you advise and support. dont feel bad about keeping this from your mum as it is your dads problem so you shouldnt have to suffer because of it! i would advise you to speak to your dad about this and i agree with the person below. talk to your dad, tell him how the whole thing is making YOU feel and make him appreciate what he has! i wouldnt know what to say to you about the telling your mum part of it as for me, the truth never did come out, yet my parents are happily married, perhaps more than before. i hope this has helped
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