A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex boyfriend at the start of the summer last year because I fell out of love with him... Partially because he treated me badly, partially because I'd fallen for my best friend. My ex and I stayed friends until recently.A little after the summer, my ex and I had dinner together and I had a little too much to drink. I would be lying if I said that he took complete advantage of me, but I really didn't want to have sex with him that night. Still, I let it pass at the time, but it's one of the main reasons why I won't speak to him anymore.My problem is actually linked to my CURRENT boyfriend though. The best friend that I'd fallen in love with. I've loved him for at least a year, but he's only known for half a year, and only told me that he felt the same towards the end of last year. The relationship he and I have is amazing, and we're COMPLETELY in love. One of the best things about us is the fact that we're completely honest with each other.So I told him about what happened with my ex that night. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend, because he and I weren't together at the time... But he doesn't see how I could sleep with someone else when I was in love with him.I don't know what to do. I never intended to have sex with my ex that night, and I didn't enjoy it. I want to be with my new man, but he's got his foot out of the door. How can I get him to see that I'm telling the truth and he can trust me? I really can't bare it if he walks away from our relationship.I've been a complete wreck since he and I argued about this, and I don't know what I'm going to do if we break up.Thanks in advance for any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): Yos gives such a brilliant insight to the psychology of common male thinking, I'd really consider what he is saying as it is how you will understand this from his perspective.
Right or wrong, your boyfriend built up an image of you based on his feelings of love and the times he has shared with you. He connects love and you being intimate with someone as intrinsically the same, and when you say things like "I didn't really want to" or "I didn't even enjoy it" or "it meant nothing" it is a paradox in his head, it conflicts with who he thought you were. He has you on a pedestal and right now can't accept what you see as obvious facts.
I would presume that your current boyfriend has not been in the position of where your ex has been. He has not been the one to "give" a girl too much to drink and proceeded to sleep with her, I bet he is not the one night stand kind of guy and that he has a lot of respect for women. This is why it is heart breaking for him. He judged you as being "better" than one of those kind of girls. A judgement that is wrong, but nethertheless, true for him.
The solution is to be brutally honest with him as you have been. You need to tell him that it meant nothing, no matter how much it hurts him - that is all there is to it. You have to say that is who you were, and that it will never change and that he must love you for who you are, past included. By being truthful in this way, he is forced to either try and accept it, or not. You will soon see if things are getting easier or worse.
I think he can come round, give him more time. Show him just what a brilliant girlfriend you are and he'll eventually never want to let you go again.
Take care and all the best with whatever you decide to do.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 "He doesn't see how I could sleep with someone else when I was in love with him".
Do you think you understand why he is asking this question? In a way it is a reasonable question, there is nothing in your post here that explains why you did sleep with your ex. It reads: "He pressured me, I didn't want to but did it anyway". There is no explanation here, just a description. No reason why you gave in and did something you didn't want to do.
The question rolling around in his head is ... 'why?'
The reason he wants to know the answer is because he is asking himself 'If she did it then, then why not again?'. He may not be asking himself that consciously, but it is fuelling your current situation. Since you showed (in his eyes at least) that you would succumb to sex in 'that kind of situation', ie you were in some sense willing to be pressured into sex when you didn't want it, what is to stop it happening again? Either with your ex or in a similar pressure situation.
I'm not saying he's being rational here, he's not. But this is probably close to what is going on in his head. Your story has unlocked this doubt inside him and its nagging him, partly because he doesn't understand the real 'why'.
Understand also that this is difficult for him because it demonstrates in some sense that you are 'easy'. Meaning that you gave yourself up sexually in a situation where you shouldn't have, where you didn't really want to. This will diminish your sexual worth in his eyes, which in turn diminishes his own sexual worth. As in, since you gave yourself up in this situation, your giving yourself to him is less valuable, less meaningful. Again I doubt this is something explicit in his thoughts, but rather it is more of a low-level feeling.
Please understand that all of this stuff I'm saying is pretty dark and nasty. I'm not saying its reasonable behaviour, or even acceptable. But I suspect it is what is happening, and unfortunately just saying that 'its wrong' doesn't make the feelings go away.
You need to find a way to get him to understand 'why'. When you do so, he'll probably still reject it (and you) for a while, but with time he may come to truly understand and accept. But by being aware of and sensitive to the emotions he'll be experiencing it may help you communicate in better ways.
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A
female
reader, OHLC  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 theres always turning it around on him. just say it was a PAST MISTAKEE.
if you knew that he loved you back already & you had sex, that would be different.
but if you didnt know he felt the same about you yet, YOU DIDNT KNOW. what are you supposed to do? treat him like your boyfriend?
you didnt want to do it anyway.
tell him how much you love him, & that you don't even talk to the guy anymore. let him know that you'll do ANYTHING to make him trust you.
but sadly, if he doesnt understand, theres nothing you can do in my oppinion. you can't FORCE things into his head, as much as we wish we could do.
well, good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): just tell him exactly how u feel n that it was a mistake that u would never go through again
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