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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 30 and my sister is 28. My sister is turning into the crazy woman from the film ‘single white female’. She is currently overseas but her return in 2 weeks is making me extremely anxious, almost to the point of panic attacks. She puts on this ultra sweet persona around everyone, but with me she is really quite sinister. People have been so blinded by her supposed sweetness that I have no one to talk to about this. She copies everything I do. If I say I like something she’ll immediately rush out and buy it and make out that she found it first, and then if I buy it she makes out that I am copying her. If I actually do manage to buy something she hasn’t got, she’ll say ‘Oh, I was going to buy that’. The part that is making me ultra angry is that she is jeopardising any budding relationships I have with anyone. If I like someone, she’ll rush out and become ‘best buddies’ with them. On holiday I became good friends with this lady and when I happened to mention that I liked this lady, she immediately started becoming ‘best buddies’ with her by turning on the charm really thickly and spending all her time with her. Whenever I tried to speak to my friend, my sister would just belittle me the whole time in front of her and not let me get a word in edgeways. It got to the stage where this friend of mine actually turned against me as well. My sister has a very boastful and narcisstic streak as well. Also, there is this guy that I think is ‘the one’ and I had mentioned to my parents how much I liked him. Well, my sister found out, and when she saw this guy a while ago she started waving to him like she knew him. This guy has no idea who my sister is as they have never met. She said he looked at her blankly but what did she expect? Does anyone else find it weird to wave to a complete stranger? This is just another one in a long line of her attempts to steal my relationships. As it is, she may have got what she wanted anyway and turned this relationship sour with him because I have become so withdrawn because of her behaviour that I am finding it difficult to communicate with anyone, but in particular with him. Would a guy really want a relationship with me knowing that my sister is acting so strangely? This guy is due to come around to the house in a few weeks (she’ll have returned by then) do some work. She will be at the house whilst I am likely to be at work. I am so worried about what she is going to do whilst I am not there that I am tempted to stay off work for that time so I can make sure she doesn’t do anything to harm this relationship. She will do her usual thing of turning on the charm, turning them against me and become ‘best buddies’ with them. If she does anything to harm this relationship, I will never forgive her. Even more bizarrely, at mealtimes she treats it as a competition to see who finishes their meal quickest. I never rise to this because I am more mature than that, but she will watch me eating my meal the whole time and make sure she is eating quicker. She did this on holiday too with everyone around the table which people noticed and commented on. It’s almost like she wanted to be the centre of attention. On the very rare occasion, I finish my meal before her she has to make a comment like ‘Hungry, were we?’I have tried telling my parents about her behaviour but she can’t put a foot wrong in their eyes. They have been totally sucked in by her.I feel worthless; like she has suffocated me and taken my identity away.I desparately want to move out but I have no money and the housing association can’t find me anywhere to live.Does anyone have experience of this type of behaviour? I want to know how to handle her behaviour, particularly in relationship to this guy as I can’t bear the thought of losing him. I don’t feel I can explain all this deep stuff to this guy yet as it is still early days and I don’t want to put him off, but I don’t want him to think that my withdrawn behaviour is me not being interested in him - nothing could be further from the truth. Please help me - I’m getting really desperate. I tried to get counselling but was told that ‘you are not a threat to society’(!) so, you see, you are my final hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): What you just described gave me goosebumps! I have a sister that did the same thing for YEARS to me. I only got relief when I moved 5000 miles away to another country. My family is perplexed as to why I won't ever let her visit me and why I always stay at a hotel just outside of town when I visit my family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): if u have a boyfriend that treats u bad then u have 2 get a second opinoin. sometimes you are blinded by ''love''. A sister can also be very helpful. They most of the time have your back when you did something wrong or you are getting picked on by someone twice your size. Yuo have 2 remember what goes aroounds comes around. if your sister is picking on you then when she needs you yuor not going 2 be there for her.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (24 December 2006):
Sorry but I don't think you'll get anywhere talking to her.. if she was able to see there is a problem then she'd do something about it. Sounds like she is locked into the behaviour - if she ever grows out of it, it will just disappear.
The only thing you can change is your own behaviour - that isn't meant to sound like I'm blaming you for your own pain as I'm not. But this kind of thing gets set and stays. I'd suggest that you use her behaviour pattern against her. Tell you like something you don't like. When she buys it, oh well, you changed your mind anyway. Or don't tell her things. If you have to talk to her, give her misinformation. Don't tell her about things that are important to you. It's not unlike having a friend you really like but casn't trust not to blab - withholding information is an act of self-preservation.
Or - totally radical - be nice to her. Suggest something that would suit her - clothes, an activity, whatever. Encourage her to be her own person. (How is her life??) In some way she has lived in your shadow all her life and her perception of that will be totally different to how you imagine it. Something has moulded your roles in the family, somehow she needs your reaction to everything in life. You never know, maybe she wants these others to like her in the hope that you will. I think you both make each other equally unhappy.
One last thing that you won't like. You seem to feel as much in her shadow as she does in yours. There's a hideous competition going on. It's not good that you want - need - everyone to hate her, to be on 'your' side. Can you somehow just let people make up their own minds? If she's being crazy then they will notice. They won't feel as aggrieved as you do but they'll steer clear of her. If they do like her, let it be. If you try and 'warn them off' then they will see her being pleasant and you being crazy. She is a person in her own right. And any friendship she forms solely on the basis of your reaction will wither away if you don't bother to react.
I realise you posted this query a couple of weeks ago so the holiday season is likely underway. Try to relax and enjoy it - don't let it all be about this. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): I read your post and both replies. I share the same ideas that for one you should talk to the man you are in love with, and for second you should find a way to talk to your sister.
If your boyfriend is someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with, then you should definately do all you can to secure his trust and healthy communication in the relationship. If you don't tell him what your fears are, he can't help you get through it, and if he loves you, he will want to help you. Secondly, he could be the one perfect person to validate if your perception of your sisters jealosy is accurate. I'm not trying to suggest anything because I don't know both sides of the story, but keep an open mind to the possibility that you see things differently than she intends. If you feel your relationship with him is too new to tell him this stuff - for fear of scaring him away, then there is a chance as well that there is time to find out he is not the one, and this would be a good way to find out. If he is unsupportive, then he's possibly as big of a jerk as the girl who turned her nose to you after making friends with your sister.
Secondly and ultimately more importantly, you should really consider talking to your sister eventually. Part of the real problem here is that you are allowing her crazyness to affect your life. I am learning this lesson the hard way with my own sister. I think if you were to seek information on effective communication you would be able to start improving the relationship. Then the next time you see a purse you like, you can show it to her, and you can say " I really love this purse, I hope you won't rush out and buy it before me." If she dares ask why you would say that, you can say " You have hurt my feelings more than once by buying what you know I like and telling me I am a copycat when I eventually get my own"
She may not know that she is hurting your feelings. And I can just hear you now, exclaiming "Of course she knows" But, she may not see how much you really are hurting deep inside. It may be sortof a weird way of her joking around to show affection. Maybe she does not know how to show you that she respects your taste in things. If you have told her face to face that her behavior hurts you very badly, and she still does it, then there is a real problem, and you may have to cut yourself off from her somehow. But until you have given this problem an honest attempt to solve it, you are an equal cause of the problem. Other people can't fix this for you, and they may not feel sorry for you if you are not honestly trying to fix it yourself.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (13 December 2005):
Hello there,
I read your post, and almost cried, I have very watery eyes. I feel for you, its horrible what you have been put through and its hard to cope when you feel so powerless. I too have been and well still pretty much are in a situation like you are, with a persn who is manipulative, controlling, attention seeking, and selfish (and im sure there are plenty more things we could call people like that).
What always seems to amaze me is how so many people seem to fall for it, you think how can they be that blind? I think in some situations people might realise yet are to scared to speak up and stick up for you, but in others the person who does al lthis jsut puts on there charm double time to make everyone else not see it.
Its really hard to cope with what thhey do, and you told me about all the effects it having on you, panic attacks, anxiety, and you have even went into isolation mode. I too had that, when i was in year 9 at school (im currently year 12) a girl who to this very day started ussing all those other mean tactics to hurt me and every night I would have panic attacts as i was so scared to face her the next day at school. I would walk up in the morning and have exstreme stomcahe cramps due to anxiety and would just hate school. These days her behaviour is still continuing and just as bad, yet those phsyically symptoms arent as bad.
You feel like you have no support for you right? Its bad enough your sister who is someone who is meant ot love and care for you is doing this but to have not one person you can turn to and who sees through her behaviour and is willing to support you and help you out. Now you said you have tried telling your parents, and friends who just dont bleieve you or do anythign about it.
I'm wondering have you tried talking to her about her behaviour?
Would you feel comfortable with that? I know the few times I have confrotned the girl who did the same things to me she stoped for quite a while, and although it started up agian atleast it stoped. So my first suggestion is to talk to her about her behaviour because you know, I think if she understood, like truly understood what she was doing she wouldnt want this to be happening. Maybe even suggest to her to get couselling. Seems like she lacks her own self confidence (even though she may put on a differrnt face) as she copies you alot, she must really look up to you, and is probabyl jealous. And she sees that you have got alot that she wants and if she cant have it, she doesnt want anyone else to have it, so she tries to ruin it for them. And while shes at it, get it for herself.
In the end your sister is a very messed up girl, seems like she has been through alot and perhaps this is the key to dealing with it. Perhaps you need to for say an hour put your feelings of anger aside and talk to her about how SHE feels. If that doesnt work, then im kind of lost. I think deffintly tryintg to build up a better supporty system would do alot better.
You said cousnelling didnt let you continue because you werent a threat to soceity? were you getting it for free or something? because they just cant chcuk out a patient if your paying whether you be mentally ill or not, harm to society or not. Perhaps you shoudl try to save up to really get this counselling cause I know how much pain this is putting you through, you must feel very very depressed and its giving you panic attacks, thats not good. I know you feel powerless about how to stop her from what shes doing but you can control yourself.
I know this was a lony reply, but i really feel for you and it makes me so mad that someone else is going through what i have. In relation to the guy, I think tell him, if hes in it for the long run he will listen and not run away.
I hope I have helped, if you want to chat anymore you can email me or add me on msn: [email address blocked]
I would be more then happy to chat :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): Explain your situation to your man. Make sure he knows she will go after him (you KNOW she will try). If he is 'the one' he will understand that. Don't be afraid to tell him, because id he is 'the one' he will figure it out sooner or later. My sister is that same exacty way, and I also HAD a friend like that. I understand what it is like. I would also talk to your sister. She is 28 years old and needs to grow up. The way you talk, sounds like she acts as though she is ten years old. I think you just might have to keep somethings quiet. Dont mention a purse you like, just buy it. Even if she says she was going to buy it, tell her "yeah right". If she is going to act like a little child, you need to treat her like one or shove it back in her face. PLEASE dont let her ruin your life!
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