A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When my cousin and was 16 years old, we were left home alone. We ended up having sex (not the first time) and she ended up getting pregnant. Our parents were angry (rightfully so). We ended up putting up our child, a daughter, up for adoption since we felt that was the best option for everybody. My cousin and I are still on good terms (we act like normal cousins). My cousin and I did go to therapy (same therapist but except for a few times, we saw the therapist at different times) to talk about everything since we both fell into a depression after everything that happened. Yesterday, my cousin called me and told me that our daughter has reach out to her and wants to meet our birth parents. The problem is I don't know how to handle this situation. Should my cousin and I meet her one on one or should we meet her at the same time? What information should we tell her or not tell her? Should we tell her that we are 2nd cousins or should we leave that part out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2021): I think you should let your daughter dictate those things. You can ask if she wants to meet you together or one on one, you can ask her what she would like to know etc...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2021): P.S.
I read your post again. I want to add something to what I've posted. A 16 year-old will have all sorts of preconceived-notions about meeting her birth-parents for the very first time. She has probably fantasized day and night about meeting you. I really hope you are able to find it within you to meet her. I would speculate that she will be hopeful of a pleasant reunion, and immediate acceptance; because a child wouldn't have come as far as she has, only to get her feelings hurt.
It can't be automatically presumed she wants to be a part of your life, or make you a part of hers. Who wouldn't want to know what their parents look like, and what their true origins are? That's only natural.
It can't necessarily be presumed she will hold any resentment or hostility towards either of you; but be emotionally prepared for any and all possible scenarios. Honestly though, who can really foresee these sort of things? I'd guess it would be purely instinctive, and on the spot!
To reject her, or to avoid meeting her, might be quite hurtful. One of the most pressing questions on her mind will obviously be...why did you give her up for adoption? Another might be if you've ever thought about her, or ever wanted to see her? Place yourself in her shoes. I truly feel for you and your cousin; and I can only imagine what you're going through in your hearts and minds! You two were only children yourselves! You must have thought this day would eventually come.
BTW, I wasn't suggesting that her adopted-parents should be present in the room. It would be awkward enough! I meant they should be readily available to console her, in-case she gets extra emotional. This is going to be a lot more intense than she could ever imagine. I don't think meeting both of you together would be a good idea. That would be overwhelming for all of you; because there is so much that might take time to explain. Imagine meeting two people, who happen to be your parents, you've never met before! That is overwhelming all in itself. She is old enough to have some very pointed questions; so be prepared! She may want to meet you both together, but I wouldn't recommend it.
Being second-cousins and having a child is not the old-fashioned taboo that it was in past generations. I don't really think that needs to be revealed right-away. You're both the adults; so it's really left-up to you to decide what to reveal and when to. I'm only guessing, but I'd assume her adopted-parents will be protective of her.
Let her ask those questions pressing on her heart; and answer only if you feel they are appropriate, and within her level of understanding. While carefully considering if you sense she is emotionally mature enough to handle the answers. You can refuse to respond to things you think are too personal, or if it's too soon; or you know will be too upsetting. Depending on her attitude when she first sets eyes on you. You will be deeply moved; so there is no question if her reaction would be the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2021): I think you both should do a little investigating to determine how her adoptive-parents feel about all this. She's only 16, and all this is a bit much for a kid to handle at that tender age. I can't see any reason why you wouldn't allow her to meet you; but if it's that highly impactful on you emotionally, think of how it will be on a kid.
She may not even know about the fact you are cousins, but you were only about her age at the time. That's really complicated information for a 16 year-old to comprehend. I think you should let her ask whatever questions she wants; and you both should try to answer as much as you feel appropriate, and think she can handle.
This is only my own personal suggestion, but it's up to you. I feel she should bring her adoptive-parents along for emotional-support and consolation; in the event things get a bit testy. Although you are her biological-parents, she goes home to her adoptive-parents at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): I agree with Honeypie.I think your daughter should be the one to choose the details of your meeting ,how and when etc.,in the way that feels more comfortable and less awkward for her.I also think that you should certainly tell her about you and her mother being related,it's part of her roots,her family history, and her medical history too.It's not just some minor,neglectable detail.OTH, no need for you to act and feel all shameful as if you had committed incest! You are *second*cousins, the kinship is not so close , and while, in USA and in our times, your situation may be unusual and perhaps frown upon- surely it is not some sordid,horrible secret which must never be brought up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2021):
 I think you (or your cousin) should ask your daughter if she wants to meet you one-on-one or both at the same time. Let your daughter choose.
Let HER decide how long the first meeting will be, where it will and if she wants to bring someone with her.
Be honest with her. Maybe don't start out with "we are cousins part", but she has a right to know. It's part of HER medical history too.
Talk to your causing on how she feels about it all and how to tell your daughter things she wants to know. Just don't lie.
Good luck.
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