A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know no one owes me anything in this life. I guess I made the mistake of expecting some level of loyalty? I was with this man for three years. I chose to help him during his health issues. Making a long story short, I had been struggling with my sister’s untimely and very unexpected death when we started dating. Then, I had to manage my father as he already had begun to suffer from dementia. Her death catapulted him into a mental abyss. He was gone after that. Two years later, on the same day, he died. I was very close to both of them during my formative years. Being from a large family, I guess people break off into dyads and triads in some families like mine. When my father died, I had been with this person for a year. My mental health took a nose dive. I was sad and struggling to function. At some point, he moves in during the tail end of the third year of dating. He saw the extent of my self medicating to fall asleep. I would either have wine or smoke pot. I tried a psychiatrist and had bad side effects. I lost my insurance and tried someone else out of pocket. He kind of Shames me for thinking pot is worse than my medical drugs. Stupid me listens!! One day, he accuses me of coming on to an elderly man at a bar. (Our mutual friends say they didn’t see how it could have been that and were perplexed). I’m definitely not a girly or flirtatious person. I stop everything cold turkey. I was not going to be falsely accused and realized I needed my wits at allTimes. Next thing i know he’s moving out a month later. We talked and we decided (so I thought) we were better having separate homes. ( he kept his home and his parents encouraged us to sell our homes and get one big one)I forget to mention around 2 months earlier, he asks what kind of engagement ring id like. Anyway, he leaves, kisses my good bye and says he’ll call me after he gets his things back into his house. He lived w me for 3 months. Then, he avoids me. No explanation. Nothing. My uncle that raised my dad dies like 3 weeks later. I call him asking for support. He says he’s not angry with me and wants us to be on good terms. He starts listing all these good deeds I guess I did over the years. But says he’s done with me. I said fine but I need support after all the support I’d given him. He refuses. How the heck did I choose such a person? I don’t get it. Do you think this if normal? I know death is uncomfortable for people but he was aware I was in mourning. I can see how the second passing was a lot but to move out without telling me he had no intent of speaking to me again? He even kissed me good bye and said he’d call later that day. I feel like I’m being treated like this psycho violent abuser he needs to hide from.Lastly, my choices took a turn for the absolute worse. I developed an urge to party and met a massive jerk. He was super controlling and it didn’t help he smoked and drank too much too. I then definitely had a major smoking problem for 6 months. I ditch the guy, get help and I’ve been sober for 8 months. Now that my head is clear, I’m processing all this. I just feel bad and my therapist says I shouldn’t seek outside validation but I’ve gotten kind advice on here a long time ago. I just can’t help but wonder how people just abandon others. I couldn’t do that to anyone. I’m also scared of dating. Terrified actually. Thank you for listening to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): Typo corrections:
"You can't drag them down without expecting them to struggle for air and have to swim to the surface."
"Your ex has lousy timing. Maybe he just isn't made of the same loyal-cloth you're made of."
"Dating doesn't always have to lead to a relationship; it's nice if and when it does."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): Congratulations on your sobriety! Please keep-up the good work! God bless you!
Hey, I wish there was an answer as to why it seems people, be it family or your so-called friends, would abandon you when you need them the most? You'd think they'd be there for you when they've counted on you when they're down on their luck; recovering from sickness, or they've suffered a great loss. But...no!!!
Life has many trials or challenges, my dear. Outside of the good Lord Himself, there aren't that many people you can claim to be consistently loyal, or a reliable source of support. Yet some friends are closer than a brother! Some boyfriends or girlfriends are ride-or-die! Nothing can shake them loose! They've got your back, hell or high-water! I've been blessed to have all this! Yet God is my most trusted friend.
You see, sometimes we have to give from the kindness of our hearts; but push comes to shove, hope there's a friend we can lean on. You look around, and there's nobody to be seen! Look upward when there's nobody's around to catch you when you fall. I pray a lot, I pray for myself and others. God is my first line of defense, and my lifeline. Especially, when it's uncertain what I can expect from those people I love. They can run out of patience, get overwhelmed with our troubles, and they have to run to save themselves. You can drag them down without expecting them to want to struggle for air and swim to the surface.
You ex has lousy timing. Maybe he just isn't made of the loyal-cloth you're made of. Maybe after dealing with all of his own issues, he has little or not strength to offer you. Bailing-out on you like that, that really sucked! We do have to give him a little benefit of the doubt. Better he leave, than stay and add to your troubles.
I guess people just get tired of wading through our ever-present problems. They'll start to feel we're a downer; when we're dealing with our grief, and they've got their own issues to deal with. If misfortune comes in a close succession, or long series of events; you can understand how they might be prone to bail-out on us. They're just being human. They can only handle so much of someone else's problems; they've got a few of their own.
You're they kind of person who'll stick around until the crisis is over. Some people aren't up to carrying that much of a load. I guess your ex-boyfriend just had enough.
I really hope you didn't sell your house, you didn't mention if you did!
If you're not ready to date, don't feel pressured to do it. You'll get lonely, and you'll need some company. Then you should see someone for companionship, and enjoy being social. Dating doesn't always have to lead to a relationship; it's nice if and when does. You're still under repair and recovery; maybe you should just have a few casual-romances, and make a few nice friends, both male and female.
Let your wounds heal, give yourself time to pull-it together. See each past relationship as a learning-experience. There's always a takeaway. Don't give-up in discouragement. Include a little prayer, go visit a place of worship, and feed your spirit from time to time. You have to heal from the inside out. Not all healing comes from doctors, pills, and drugs. If you don't believe, you can just ignore my post.
God bless you and keep you. May He bring you peace, and help you find good companionship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 July 2021):
 Good for you for being sober for 8 months! Congrats on that!!
I think the reason your ex-bf acted this way was that YOU were so good about hiding your various addictions and self-medication so when he moved in and saw all that, he saw them as HUGE red flags (which they are) and he moved out soon after.
He left you thinking your relationship was going to continue. Simply because he didn't want drama. He didn't want to hurt you or be the "bad guy" who broke up with you when you were down. He took the "easiest" way out (for him). And honestly, I can't blame him. IT was all TOO much for him to deal with. And I think that is why he bounced. Watching someone you love self-destruct is not something anyone wants to see or be part of.
Your therapist is right. You DO NOT need our validation. Hearing another perspective can be fine but don't forget, we REALLY only know what you tell us, so it can be hard for any of us to REALLY give you the best advice.
Some people can't handle other people's trauma. It's something they can't "fix". Unlike a broken door handle or car. Emotions are hard. Other people's emotions are harder.
In a sense, it was a GOOD thing he walked away when he did. You hit rock bottom and got the help you needed. You did that! YOU. Not him. You pulled yourself up by the bootstraps and sought help! That is big.
Why he did what he did NO LONGER matters. HE no longer matters. What matters is YOU. Your life, your future.
If you are scared of dating. Don't date. Take the time to improve on yourself. Build the life you want. Be as healthy as you can be. Mentally and physically.
Keep seeing your therapist. Ask him for some homework. Maybe journaling so you can write it down and process it and hopefully at some point LET it go.
You are doing great. And it's OK to feel bad that things didn't turn out as you had wished or hoped. You can't change him, you can't change the past. You CAN, however, be in charge of your future.
Also, I think you dated this massive jerk as a punishment to yourself. Thankfully, you realized your worth and ended it. Which you should really commend yourself for because AT your lowest you made the RIGHT choice. To dump the jerk!
Chin up OP and keep doing good, and love yourself.
I'm sorry for the losses of your loved ones.
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