A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for ten years. I have three children from a previous relationship, now adults and one from this one. At the start we were very happy. Gradually, he became more controlling and insisted on everything being done his way. As a result of this level of control one of my children began to self harm and in the discussions that followed all the older children blamed my husband. She got counselling and is much better but he still wouldn't change.Eventually I began an online relationship which became very intimate. I decided to leave and now he wants to change. I'm not sure he can but I don't know what to do. Any advice would be good.Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Thanks for your answers. I'm still pretty confused about what to do. After seeing a counsellor it seems much of his behaviour may be because of obsessive compulsive disorder. I suppose that means he is not as responsible for his behaviour but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 Is it that you don't believe change can happen, or could you be trying to rule it out because you see it as being easier if he doesn't change and you just move on?
I won't say weather or not you should stay or go. As a behavior coach I give information to think about and consider in making a decision.
First, you've been married for 10 years, probably not anticipating getting divorced. What does marriage mean to you? I view it as a journey. As a choice, just as true love is a choice. It's that choice that gets people over the road blocks all journey's have.
Control, sometimes is derived from a couple of different perceptions in your marriage, which could be changed. First is a method of validating his importance in the marriage. If not in control, what was being in built would crumble. Second, is fear. People are afraid of loosing love. Their actions based on the fear come from past experience.
Can he change. I believe anyone can. I've been studying behaviors, working with relationships for over a decade. During which time my own perceptions around behaviors have changed numerous times. It's impossible to deeply study people without achieving some level of personal change as well.
Your choice depends on weather or not you choose to start a new and begin this journey, but maybe doing so the way marriage is meant to be. I hope everything works out for you. If you choose to stay, get some assistance from a counselor, behavior or relationship coach. They can help with a plan to redevelop your marriage to succeed.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 August 2008):
This is why I always advise people to leave. It is only this threat that seems to work.
If you have already made up your mind then leave him as planned, and he will just have to put up with that.
However if you are going to give him another chance then remember that you have ALL the power right now and this may be your best chance to use it. Sit him down and tell him all the things that he must change. Make him agree to a set of rules so he won't slip back into old habits. If he breaks them then you can always leave him with a clear concience knowing that he had his chance.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to love imperfect person perfectly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Leopards don't change their spots, and neither will he.
My daughter has been through this scenario God knows how many times, with all the usual promises that he'll change his ways. He does for a while when he realises she's serious about leaving him and once she's agreed to give it another go, not too long afterwards he's back to his old self. It's been going on like this for more than 15 years! She still lives with him, God knows why, and is one of the most miserable people I know, even though she's my own flesh and blood, but she has to make her own decisions in life. I can only assume he's good in the sack or something.
Save yourself a load of trouble and get rid - unless you want to continue the misery heaped upon you and your kids.
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