A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. Please advise. I'VE been in a relationship with a very controlling man for 3 years. I have distanced myself recently, as I keep getting hurt,and decided to stop taking his calls. I HAVEN'T seen him for around two weeks, bv this week, HE'S called me 9 times,and not left a message.I let it ring. HE's been very pesistant. I feel guilty not returning his calls,but can no longer cope with him trying to control my life,wanting things his way,and being selfish,but I'M confused,as I love him, but I am scared to ring him back,as i DON'T want to get hurt again,but miss him terribly. Your advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 May 2013):
Hi there. Perhaps he didn't answer your text message straight away, because he was working and just didn't get the chance.
In any case, don't text him anymore now - just give him space.
And if he replies - well then good.
And if he doesn't reply - that's okay also.
He could be just trying to give you some space, and not wanting to appear too eager and therefore, maybe controlling.
It might be his way of taking a step back from things a little, and see how things go.
I wouldn't be too concerned if I were you though.
I also think what you said here about if he doesn't bother to call you until Thursday night, that you tell him it's too late, you have already made plans.
Great idea. That's what I would be doing.
That is perfectly okay to say that, and what it will do is teach him to contact you much earlier in the week, in future.
For instance, if he wants to ask you out on Friday night, for him to call you on Thursday night is way too short notice.
If he were to call you on Monday or Tuesday, that would be fair notice.
I think you are getting the hang of this, I really do.
Sometimes, men just need to be kept on their toes, just enough so they know they can't just leave it until the last minute to bother calling you for a date.
And just because you have been seeing each other for a while, is still no excuse to do that.
To leave calling you till the last minute, is simply taking you for granted.
Don't allow it to happen.
And if he does this again - calling on Thursday night for Friday or Saturday - well then, say the exact same thing, that you have made other plans.
It won't turn him off you, it will just make him think a little.
He may not like it, however he won't give up trying.
And most likely, after one or two or even three times of him calling you late in the week, and you saying you are unavailable, he will certainly learn the hard way - that you won't take ANY crap from him.
It might be hard to do this sometimes, however, it is SO worth doing it this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy. Will do. I made a slight mistake today though, Oh dear... I texted him today see if he wnated to come over on Thursday evening. That was around 4 hours ago and he has not responded. I just got a little insecure and also wanted to test to see if he has started to change and is getting more serious and will start compromising. If he does not respond today, I wil not call him him or do anything and will not answer the phone this week, and if he does leave it UNTIL thursday to call me and say he can or can't make it, I will then say it is too late and I have made other arragements.I don't like that I have to do this to force him into doing the right thing, but do it I must! I;ll let you know what pans out this week. :o) Thanks Dorothy. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 May 2013):
Hi. You're very welcome.
What it will do - when you either say you are busy, or, you get someone else to take the call for you - is that he will instantly know, that he just CANNOT take you for granted anymore.
And so by not always being available to see him, it will keep him on his toes a little, and make him do a rethink of how he is when he is with you.
It will certainly make him think twice, for sure.
And another important thing to remember, is don't just be unavailable to him once or twice, make it become a habit, just to let him know you are NOT going to take any more crap from him.
At least one night of every week.
And it doesn't matter whether you are actually going out or not, you only say to HIM that you are not available, and then sit and watch your favourite tv show. He's not to know.
And this is the PERFECT way to do it, I promise you.
Please try it, I think you will be very glad you did.
Yes, and do please keep me posted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy. I am totally loving your answer. I smiled as I read it. It makes totally sense,and I shall be refering to it regularly. He will be forced. You are right. Lol. Thanks. You,ve made my day. I.ll let you know how it goes. Natx
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 May 2013):
Hi. It is a good idea to not make yourself so available to him, and to have a life of your own.
And it's great that you told him you are going out.
And perhaps, you ought to do this a bit more often.
Not every night of course, just say once or twice a week at the most.
And that way, he knows that you DO have a life of your own and your own interests, and that's a healthy thing for a relationship.
You both need some separate time doing your own stuff and following your own hobbies and interests, and seeing your own friends too.
Both people in a relationship need their own space.
So from now on, if he calls you to ask you out, don't always say YES.
If he asks you out 3 times a week, well then on one of those nights you would see each other, when he calls just prior to this, say to him you can't see him tonight, as you have made other plans.
On some nights when he calls, you could get someone else in your household to take the call for you - and tell him you are out, and don't know when you will be back.
And on the next time he asks to see you and you want to see him, well then during that time together, mention to him that a relationship just won't work if only one person is having it all their own way all the time.
And make it very clear that it makes you very unhappy.
And mention to him, that if it were to be that way, that it would be a recipe for disaster.
And that it would inevitably end, because you would NOT tolerate that with anyone - ever.
He really needs to know how you feel about this controlling behaviour of his.
And the best way to make him see the truth, is to be unavailable to see him on some nights.
And what will happen then, is he will begin to think that you could be on the lookout for someone new!
And he will then be FORCED to change his behaviour - or lose you forever, with no second chance!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy,thank you for your answer. He likes to try and take control over when I go out,and when he sees me which always has to be on his terms. I have been putting my foot down,and not giving in to his every whim,and first of all,he got angry,then he has started to accept that he can.t get it all his own way. It,s hard work! I did ring him back yesterday,and told him i.m going out. He told me to have a nice time which is a first,but i.m finding it difficult,as i have to regulate him all the time.x
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 May 2013):
Hi there. You say that you love him, and so it seems that you would prefer to stay with him, if you could change the way he treats you.
And by that, I mean for him to be less controlling.
But you know, no person can ever be controlled by another, unless they allow themselves to be controlled.
You can lead a duck to water, but you can't make him swim.
Not if he doesn't want to, that is.
And by conrolling, it depends on what you mean by that.
And what it is, that he takes over control of.
And by that, I mean whether it is unimportant things, or big things that affect you both in the relationship.
You have a right to have some say in the relationship, and you both do - equally.
It should always be a 50/50 situation.
A two-way street.
Sometimes, people can come across as controlling, because they are rather insecure inside, and this causes them to try and control their immediate environment, so that they feel they have a handle on things in their life.
For instance, a real fear of change and how it might affect them.
And when people feel this way - uncertain of their future - they try and control whatever they can, so they don't get all stressed out.
So it might be that he has some inner insecurity about his life.
Perhaps he has an uncertainty with his job, and is worried how safe his job is, and whether he might find himself job hunting in the not too distant future.
Or, maybe he has some uncertainty with his relationship with you.
And so he might be hanging on with all his might to not lose you, and this could be what is behind all this controlling behaviour of his.
Feeling insecure about something, is very often what is behind a lot of controlling behaviour.
So I don't necessarily think, that he just wants to run your whole life.
He might have had some very bad relationship breakups in the past, and this naturally makes him very scared, that his relationship with you, might follow the same pattern.
And he might just be terrified of losing you.
And without him ever mentioning this directly to you - which he may NEVER do - we can only guess, that it is at least a possibility.
Because more often than not, behind most controlling behaviour, is a whole lot of insecurity and FEAR.
And I would be very surprised if it was otherwise.
So, keeping this in mind now, it would probably be a very wise idea for you to sit down with him and have a heart to heart chat about how you feel, and especially, letting him know how his controlling behaviour, makes you feel.
It is entirely possible, that he has no idea whatsoever that you feel this way.
So it would be a great idea, to make it very clear to him.
And the sooner, the better.
So maybe, you could text him, and tell him - calmly and respectfully - that you need to talk to him about something that is really important to you.
But DO NOT say any more than this, just let him think.
And when he comes over, just be open and honest with him - and stay calm and respectful - about EXACTLY how his controlling behaviour makes you feel, and that you DO NOT wish to be in a relationship with him, while ever he treats you that way.
Because it definitely appears he still wants you in his life, otherwise he wouldn't keep calling you.
He might even be having some ideas that his controlling behaviour is the real problem.
Up until now, he might not have been aware of it.
So you need to set him straight.
...............................
|
