A
female
age
41-50,
*artine
writes:Hi All,Any advice would be most helpful. I work with a man that's been with the team I work with for a month - we get on incredibly well and there's been a lot of flirting, eye contact and teasing . He's always interested in what I've been doing outside work - we joke around a lot and there's a lot of chemistry. I was 100% sure as I could feel the vibe. I also ask him what he's been doing as well and he always says just seeing his friends or chilling out over the weekends. Anyway, things have been building up and I wanted to see how he felt as it was getting a bit horrid not knowing exactly where I stood and it was hard to face him everyday feeling all gooey and butterflies and I couldn't stand the suspense anymore to be honest. Anyway we had a conversation this morning and it turned out that he was brought up somewhere that I lived for two years outside of London and he's not been living here in London for long. We talked a bit about the place and were surprised we had it in common. Anyway I emailed him and afterwards and said' PS I can’t believe you are from Wales!! If you ever get bored in London I can show you some sights and we can catch up all about wales.'And he didn't respond - (I made the email ambiguous as I didn't want to ask a question like does he fancy a date/ drink whatever) That was this morning - Since then he's gone a bit quiet and won't look at me when I walk into the office to ask something, or should I say he answers without looking over and then said I could have one of his biscuits if I want - and I'm just trying to act normal and I didn't think the email was over the top at all and was just trying to make it easier for him, and he's gone kind of moody which I find weird. All I did was make a light suggestion. Lucky enough he does shifts so I won't have to face him everyday. Have I upset him or something?, Of course I won't ever mention anything again but this is just plain weird... How do I deal with this? what's going on?Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2021): Dont get involved in a relationship at work... could go horribly wrong
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2021): BTW, don't let my post scare you, just inform you!
Employers aren't always who they seem to be on the surface. They want us to feel comfortable on the job; but they still have to lookout for the bottom-line. They want to make money, not give it away in law-suits! On-the-job romances and flirtations can get complicated; and that's when it become CYOA!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2021): These days, it's risky exchanging flirtations with people over work-emails. Things we put in writing can often be misconstrued, or misinterpreted by the reader. If your emails are also filed, reviewed, or spied-upon by your employer; they might not come across as ethical-conduct, or company-approved. I often get it thrown-back in my face how casual and layback an OP's work-environment is, unlike in the United States. Yeah, right! I often suggest people shouldn't use their workplace as their dating-pool. Well, that "casual-environment" turns into a very cold-blooded and defensive-stance; when employees file sexual-harassment complaints, or get their lawyers involved. Their employer's first act in their own legal-defense is to fire both of you.
Flirtations on company-time, and on company devices; also becomes their property. Subject to their review and interpretation. If a complaint is filed for sexual-harassment (either side), or if things go foul with an attempted romantic-connection you've made; and they've seen your flirtatious-exchange. What defense would you have? The company is only concerned for their own liability, above anything else. Nowadays, romantic-interactions between employees is usually discouraged at the workplace. Nobody's business but yours or his, when it's on your own time. If you make your romantic-pursuits accessible by email by anybody else; you are also subject to public-scrutiny. If management doesn't like it, they can do something about it. If you feel their interference is in intrusive; you can go work somewhere else, as far as they're concerned.
It's wrongfully perceived that it's none of the company's business; that is, until somebody decides to file a complaint about any breech of company policy regarding employee-ethics and behavior. People tend to bring their misunderstandings back to the workplace. Then it becomes an issue on the job. It's hard to contain your emotions; if he makes an improper-move, or rudely rejects you. You'll have to look at him on a daily-basis. If you never see him, what reasons do you have for exchanging flirtations? If he offends you somehow, you'll feel compelled to do something about it.
If he has distanced himself, or will not respond. He has now drawn a boundary-line.
Retreat to your position of being just a colleague, and reestablish your professionalism. Discontinue contact by email, with work-related matters being the only exception. If you're off work-premises, and he clearly is seeking a romantic-connection; ask him straightforward what his intentions are. Don't guess or read between the lines. They should never be discussed at work, over company devices, or on company-time. You invite your employer's intervention and commentary when you use their property and devices as your personal-means of communication. They can show you one face now, and have an entirely different one when they think you're a legal-liability! You are both expendable and replaceable, push comes to shove.
If you work for a tiny firm, or small-business, and everybody knows everybody on intimate-terms; it's not likely to become much more than gossip. That too can lead to embarrassment, if you're rejected or it doesn't turnout as expected. No more flirtations by email, and consider his silence a polite form of rejection. Up to this point, you can only speculate what's on his mind. That's too risky. I can't see anything wrong with what you've said; but that doesn't speak for him, or anybody else who has read it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 September 2021):
 While I don't think it was totally professional to add on to a work e-mail (which I think you did) It wasn't egregious either.
You put the ball squarely, yet subtly in his court and he didn't pick it up. So now you know where you stand. He enjoyed "work flirting" but didn't want to bring it out of the office. Which makes sense. Work romances are common but also quite often a cause for concern for companies and employees as drama CAN and do occur.
So dial it back. Don't be so familiar with a work colleague. If you are looking to date, look outside the workplace. "Don't eat where you crap." That saying rings true when it comes to work-romance. Because what happens if it goes wrong? Nothing good.
Also, are you sure he read the e-mail?
If he went silent and is avoiding you that is kind of bizarre but it might also be that he wasn't/isn't interested in taking the flirtation outside of work. He might have a GF (even if he hasn't talked about it) or a BF (even if he hasn't talked about it.) You just never know because you have only really met his "work-persona".
Does it matter? Not really but READ the new clue he is giving you. It's making him feel uncomfortable. So Stick to being 100% professional.
Just stick to work, work topics, and nothing else with him.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (15 September 2021):
 I don't think that you sent anything wrong in your text, you never just went all out and ask him out on a date, so i'm not sure why he has gone distant.
You simply just asked for a catch up if he is ever in the area, you could of send this to absolutely anyone and it would just come across as being friendly.
He has obviously read it totally the wrong way, maybe he is worried about getting involved with someone he works so close with.
Have you told anyone else you work with that you fancy this guy?. Maybe someone has said something to him.
Maybe this was a blessing in disguise as getting involved with someone you work so close with is not always such a good idea.
I would just forget about this, carry on with your job and just be professional and pleasant if you see him around the office.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): Forget it. You did nothing wrong. No reason for him to be offended. He may be feeling you fancy him and it is an excuse to get together with him, so what? Just move on as if it never happened and he will forget about it.
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