A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've worked with this guy for a couple years now and over that time we've become what I considered friends. He's been in a serious live-in relationship since I've known him and has me in age by about 10 or 15 years, so I didn't see the harm in being friends with him. I guess it never occurred to me that he would think of me as a potential partner.I've been traveling the past few weeks and periodically he would text to ask how things were going, which I took for simple curiosity as we share many of the same interests. At one point I went hiking a fairly dangerous route alone and figured I'd file my "flight plan" with him (i.e. tell him where I was going, and to notify the authorities if I wasn't back in a couple days). When I chose him for this role, my thought was that I was picking a friend who'd care enough to pay attention, but not so much that they'd try to talk me out of it.His response contained more concern than what I expected, but he did agree to do it so I didn't give it too much thought.I guess he took it the wrong way, though I'm not sure how. A few days after I got back from the hike in question he declared that he has romantic feelings for me--via text message, mind you, because I'm still out of the country. I've done nothing (that I can discern) to give him the impression that I want a romantic relationship with him. I'm not physically attracted to him and even if I had been, it's not in my nature to mess around with guys who are taken. Needless to say, when he told me of his interest I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't share his feelings. I was not, perhaps, as diplomatic about it as I could have been, mainly because I wanted to make sure there is NO confusion.My concern now is how to minimize the potential awkwardness when I go back to work. (Changing jobs is not an option.) He is not my supervisor per se, but he is above me in the rank structure of our organization. He has expressed a desire to talk this over further in person when I get back, but he's not going to change my mind about it and having him attempt to do so in our workplace (the only place I see him) is a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry for the novel--any advice on how to handle this gracefully?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Having the discussion at work is always a potential problem. Nobody wants a scene at work. If his intent is to try and convince you to change your mind, then that is a discussion you don't want taking place at work. If, however, he simply wants to smooth things over a bit, maybe reassure you that he will back off, then that is probably a discussion that can happen at work. Wherever the discussion takes place, reiterate that you value the guy as a friend and want to keep that (assuming that is true). For me, I don't believe in male/female adult "friendships", particularly where one or both parties are involved with other people. It simply does not work. And, it is going to be very hard for your "friend" to simply turn off his feelings for you -- which had to be pretty strong for him to reveal them to you in the first place. My advice...talk him off the ledge if you can, and then slowly get some distance between the two of you. Otherwise, it's going to turn into a real hassle for you.
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