A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't have a major problem, but something that's constantly disconcerting. I've recently started a new job and my colleague, who is training me, reminds me hugely of an ex boyfriend of mine. The sound of his voice and his personality: smart, sarcastic, quirky, are so similar to my ex that I find it quite disturbing. Not necessarily in a bad way. I like my co worker and have warm feelings towards my ex. We were good friends but simply not that well suited romatically. The problem is that this guy has all the positive aspects of my ex and I find myself drawn into easy conversation with him. I have a partner who I love very much and who is much better suited to me than anyone else I've been with. I have no desire to cheat on my partner but I am worried that it would be easy to flirt with this guy (which could be easily misread) and I'm just not that kind of person. I find myself quite shaken up at work after spending time with him. Had anyone encountered this? How did you handle it? And does anyone have advice for me about how to stop getting weirded out and uncomfortable about the resemblance?
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at work, co-worker, flirt, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): Remind yourself he's not your ex, your connection is strictly professional, and try to concentrate on the job.
People these days cross too many lines. Sometimes folks don't remember that when you're at work, it's a controlled environment where your personal-life gets checked at the door. You're on paid-time. You turn-off your emotional and playtime you, and turn on the educated logical analytical you. Or, you become a walking display of your skills. You leave your dating-self at home until you clock-out on company time.
Blurring the lines usually causes drama, disruption, and wanton office/shop-floor gossip. Work can be fun and friendly, but there's an epidemic of people charging sexual harassment and assault; or claiming inappropriate advances. So bad, that most large businesses require sexual-harassment seminars and training to teach grown-ups how to behave when they're filling a seat that was put there for a productive worker. In short, flirts are a liability to a business.
He's training you. Concentrate on what you're being trained/paid to do, and be good at it. Suppress your impulse to flirt. Use self-control. Live-up to your resume.
A
female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit  +, writes (6 July 2016):
 You've got to think to yourself the ex didn't work out for a reason. This co-worker would be similar to that old relationship.
You can still be a friend to this co-worker. For all you know this co-worker might not like you in that love way. Only talking as you're there.
Stay strong and be if it gets really awkward don't fret, you can try and avoid the co-worker for a while.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): I have a male friend who had the same thing happen: A girl he met whilst spending time on an island was EXACTLY like his ex girlfriend! And they ended up sleeping together.
He said it was awkward afterwards and they had the whole chit chat / discussion and in the end they just remained as good friends. He got weirded out and I think she did in the end too.
I think it's best you stay with your boyfriend. How many people can say they have partners who are better suited to them than anybody else?
And I think your ex is an ex for a reason; you don't want another him! I would just be polite and friendly to your co-worker and (hopefully) you will have a few laughs about the similarities and move on.
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