A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help and that's why I'm here. My story here has not been told to many people and I have not seeked any help as I have been trying to help myself but it hasn't worked.When I was a child my mother took me away from my dad (whom I was very close with at 6 years of age) and left the country to somewhere far as she had remarried. Ever since then, I have not seen him or heard from him but I do remember that he had contacted my family way back when I was still little, asking where I was and that he needed to find me. Obviously because my mom and him divorced she didn't want him near me or even be a father figure in my life. I can't remember but I was still young, my mother had told me that she got a phone call from her mom that my father died, no explanation as to what happend, but i was just too young to understand still or maybe it didn't really hit me because I had not seen him for a long time while at the time I was already 10 or 11 years old.Growing up, I hated my mom for what she did because she was never there for me. Before we had left our country where I was born my mom would have always left me with my grandma who was taking care of me for a while, while my mom was travelling then once she was married she came back to grab me. My mother and I had always had problems with each other as I had reminded her so much like my dad. I have had the worse childhood life and it has haunted me ever since now that I am 24 years old. I can't explain everything that I went through but it was the toughest time. I have been brutally beaten my whole childhood if I ever did anything bad or even tried to do a good thing I was still being punished. While this was happening I was having many problems with her husband and boyfriends she had. I can't say I have been abused sexually but more emotionally and mentally and sometimes things weren't handled in a proper way... which means being touched, or having to talk about sex while I was still a child. I did confront my mother a few years later and she didn't care of helped me and thought that I was lying and trying to ruin her life or relationship. My mother eventually did ruin most of all of her relationships because of her abusive and anger problems. I don't want to get into deep details as to what she did but it's pretty bad to say and embarassing to tell because she would have just sounded like some psycho, bi polor disorder freak. My whole childhood life was always about fights, anger, and being very physical. At age 16 my mom and step dad was not getting along and she had moved into her own place where I was going to stay with her as I did not feel comfortable being with my step dad because of the things that had happend, at this point in my life I didn't want to be at either places because I just didn't feel safe nor loved anyone as I was just in highschool trying to get good grades and just finish my school. Eventually mom ruined that for me and told me that I needed to be on my own at 16 years of age and I must take care of myself because she no longer can take care of me. She told me that I need to support myself in the big world and I have to learn the hard way now in life as that was how she was taught too... It has been such a struggle but I had always managed to be in a relationship somehow.. my relationship was the only thing I have ever depended on and I always seemed to damage almost or every relationship I was in, it was starting to be too much and now it's still the same thing. I have grown into a woman but I'm not happy with the way I am, I know that I do have a lot of love and a lot of heart and I do care a lot but I am having issues with being in a relationship. I can sometimes get physical but it's not like how my mother is (she was a LOT worse) I'm more verbal and I can say a lot of mean things to hurt someone and sometimes I can do stupid things to make someone turn away from me. I don't get into pysical fights and start beating or anything like that but it's if I just snap when I get yelled at or blamed for something I didn't do, I just turn into this angry person and rage and even though they (bf) ask me to stop, I still keep doing it and I just can't control myself at all. I've noticed that it's been like this with every relationship I've had and it's really getting to me because I don't want to become this angry woman like my mother or even be like her as I know I'm the opposite of her. I really need an answer as to how I can stop and control my anger issues and all the pain that I've built up.I don't know where to turn anymore or do... I have noticed that I have become a lot better as a person now that I am with my bf who I really love and will marry eventually but I know that I'm hurting him a lot with the way I am and I know that deep down he will eventually not take my shit anymore and just leave like all the ex's did. My life is a rollercoaster and there has been a lot of questions that have been unanswered and I don't know how to control myself. Why am I doing this? and what do I need to do? I am very open to learn and become better but I don't know what my problems are.I hope that someone out there could help me and maybe I can find that happier place. I don't want to speak to anyone personally about it as I am a very closed up person that doesn't talk about their problems and show their emotions. I know that I have been through a lot in my life and I'm not sure how to close the past and move forward in my life or at least build a new one because I don't want to hold on the hurtful and stressful past anymore... I know that's its damaged so much of me that I don't have anymore left of myself, what do I do now?Thank you for listening...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell maybe it's time to see a therapy, i never really thought about it because I thought I could just do this on my own as long as I have a solid mind and am willing to change to be a better person.. but I'm wrong. I guess I'm trying to take on the whole world on my own with no help... I hope I don't have some bi polor disorder or anything.. my bf keep saying that to me lately and no one has ever said that to me ever before. I just felt like it was an insult. I don't think I have a mental issue or anything like that I just got history problems that have lingered around me for soo long and still continuing.. I mean what do you do, you just stress on a norm day (which I do a lot). I still love to laugh and be happy and love as I said I fuel on that, these are the things that make me really happy but it's just trying to move the hurtful past and still a hurtful mother who still drives me crazy until this day and still makes me really upset. Like on my birthday, she never called to wish me a happy bday and if she ever comes and visits me she is out gambling or too busy to see me or shopping like wtf? I'm trying so hard to be a better person but my mother is in the way of everything which makes me so angry and I take it out on my bf or if we get into an argument I just won't stop fighting until I say so or if i'm done venting.... =[ I admit before at the time of all this I did get into the wrong crowd, got into drugs but i didn't slip or anything or become addicted it was either on a night out or just at a party, I did overdue it before just because i wanted to run away from my problems and forget what was happening in my life, i mean what else was there to do when no one could of been there for you at a young age... you just couldn't talk about it to anyone...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Do you have any relatives who could fill in the blanks for you? Maybe an aunt or an uncle, or grandparents on your mothers side?
What your mother has done to you is so cruel and selfish. True, we don't know the circumstances, but by doing what she did, she has left you with half an identity. There's a possibility that you may meet him some day and be disappionted. Or not, you never know. But you have the right to make that judgement call yourself. If you can't find a birth certificate, you can contact the hall of records in the state and town where you were born, If you give them the exact date and year they will be able to send you a copy for about $12. You can probably do it online. I wish you all the luck in the world with locating him. And I hope some day, there will be a happy reunion!
Now have you thought about therapy? I urge you to seriously consider it. It actually cleanses the soul! There are definitely some painful issues you need to get out and at times it will be difficult, but the rewards are so worth it in the end!
Hope All Goes Well for you and your guy!
Britt xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbritt49: I really love the part where you said: "Don't spend your whole life trying to bury your past", it's just so true because that's what I do and I just don't realize it. FYI I am actually trying to find my father at the momment. I believe that things happen for a reason because just the other day I was looking through my photo album trying to mesmorize the days until I found a birth certificate that was stuffed in a brown envelope. It's a sign! I never knew what his name was, didn't know anything because I was just too young at the time and my mom would of never told me because she hates him! Again, as I mentioned in my story, my life has soo many questions unanswered that it's impossible for me to get it all...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): I know that loss of control you describe. It will get worse! It's not hopeless. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Here's a thought regarding your father...have you ever tried to research online...google his name? Whether living or dead, you may get a hit! I googled my late brother and after going through pages of names I found him...it told me the cemetery where he is buried. You will need therapy to get closure for that too!
I really hope you will consider it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): The only way to get over the past and be able to look towards the future is to DEAL With The PAST (therapy) you may have difficulty opening up at first but with the right therapist (preferably a woman) in time you will be able to deal with it.
I was married to a man for 16 years who had a terrible childhood. In the beginning I felt sorry for him. But as the years passed, I realized he was using as a cop-out for his behavior. He refused to deal with it in any way, but rage! It started verbally, saying mean things to hurt me, and punching walls, breaking things that he knew meant something to me. It wasn't too long before he became physically abusive. He was bi-polar, abused drugs and his rage could come out of nowhere. I begged him throughout our marriage to get therapy. He refused. I believe he feared having to take a look at his own behavior and choices in life. Fear of the emotional pain. I finally left him two years ago, when I realized nothing would ever change, and I began to fear that he would kill me during one of his rages which by then were daily. He actually punched me in the face because I was happy and singing one day! He died of a massive heart attack in August 2008.
It's not healthy to hold all this inside! You need to find a professional that you trust and start dealing with it. Your right, if left untreated, you will push everyone in your life away.
MY ex was only 51 years old. He died alone, in a grocery store, laying on a bench waiting for a prescription. I grieved his death in spite of all the abuse. I went to the mortuary to see him and I forgave him. But more than his death I grieved his pathetic life. I know he's not suffering anymore and that comforts me.
Don't spend your whole life trying to bury your past. You will have a miserable life and never be truly happy. I urge you to take the risk and get some help. You are young enough that you can have a happy adulthood inspite of your childhood.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both who answered my questions. To anonymous female:I've tried so many things to become a better person but it's like when I'm in that zone of being mad, a switch turns and and I feel like it just controls me and I can't do anything to stop it. I always keep telling myself that I can't keep doing this anymore but It's just so hard to let go of everything when I am still trying to find answers to my life... I want to know what happend to my dad and I am still determined to find him whether if he is dead or not. That's one hard thing that I couldn't let go... as for my mother, she still not really apart of my life because she's hurt me so much and still as today she still gives me grief and pain. I feel like i've lost both father and mother figure in my life and I feel helpless and wonder why I deserve this. I just wish it could all dissapear but it's not that easy. I think the bottle idea is a great idea and I would love to do that, but will that completely erase everything in order for me to start a new chapter in my life. I will admit that the only thing that keeps me sane and happy is LOVE as my life fuels on love only, i guess it's because I've never had it and I want it soo bad but I need to tame myself and the rage that I have inside of me. If I can't do this or even control myself, I don't know what else to...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): Hi
Wow....you have had some past...but you are here to tell the tale.
How could you let go of all this hurt and anger,if there is nobody to tell or want to tell?
You can only do this by expressing releasing your feelings, write a NON POSTED letter to each person about everything you ever felt and feel now...put them in separate bottles and float them out to sea. Say goodbye and it is down to you! then to let your feelings go with them. Sounds stupid! but if your feelings are kept inside your self they will always be carried around with you.
You actually CAN HELP how you are with people and subconsciously think it is QUITE natural TO BE ALLOWED to snap at others because of your past, but this is not the case. We fool our selves and others into thinking we have a special licence...and we do not. We KNOW what we are saying and doing and we know if we are hurting another.
You need to re-programme your way of thinking and start to be a new person...with out rage. Rage is either expressed outwards or turns within and neither wants to be on the receiving end.
We also EXSPECT TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY...after certain ways we have been treated..not a good place to be. You had a rotten childhood,and feel very cheated i guess...and have almost taken a ROLE on of how u think you should feel..( in my opinion) Hope i do not offend you by this statement. Why not let this role go and rebuild who you want to be...look at the future and what you want to make it...ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL...not always the ACT but the REACTION that is of the greatest importance. How are you going to let the past go?
Good luck
via con dios.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): get anger councelling to help save your relationship which was presented as the only good thing in your life. That's another point, get a hobby or some activity that makes you laugh and be happy.
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