A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know most of you will think I'm a dirtbag, but I really am not. I got engaged a little over a month ago to the best woman, who I truly love. I'm having a problem though where I'm feeling some guilt over something I did about a year ago. My fiance and I have been in a commited relationship for over 4 years now. Last year I cheated on her. I pursued another woman for sometime and wound up having sex with her once. I honestly don't know why I did it. I think I was going through some serious fears regarding commitment and the ongoing talk of marriage. Now I'm in a place where I definitely know I want to marry my fiance, but a year ago I had doubts. And I stupidly cheated when I became really attracted to another woman. I thought I could deal with the guilt, but now it's really bothering me. I made a vow to myself that I would never tell her b/c I don't want to hurt her or lose her (selfish?) and no one knows about what I did, so the chances are slim that anyone else will tell her. I trust the woman I slept with won't. Is it unfair or a bad decision to NOT tell my fiance? Do people think I CAN manage to keep this inside forever? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): "I honestly don't know why I did it. I think I was going through some serious fears regarding commitment and the ongoing talk of marriage."
You think it was because you were afraid of commitment? If you were afraid of commitment, you should've talked to your fiancee about it. You should've been open and honest instead of channeling your feelings through your sexual organs. And you know what? I agree with oldersister: you'll do it again because 1. you can't see reason in staying away from women you think you might be attracted to while you're in a committed relationship and 2. you blame your bad decisions on your emotions, rather than proactively finding a positive solution to your problem. You're not mature enough to be married.
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (28 July 2010):
There are two ways of looking at the Q of whether you ought to tell the fiance'e what you did: the moral one - 'would it be the right thing to tell her the truth ?'
and the practical one ' in practice is this secret going to cause me so much guilt that I will end up letting it out ?'
Different people would answer the practical one in different ways, but if the answer to it in your case is 'Yes - I will end up telling her to assuage the guilt' then you don't even need to proceed to the first, moral, way of looking at it.
Personally, I don't really see why you need to feel so much guilt about it : you weren't engaged at the time - engagement and actual marriage are a higher level of commitment than what you had before the engagement.
So if you are totally confident that you can keep the secret then keep it and don't tell her.
BUT Q1605 raises an interesting issue which you don't raise directly but which does arise: how old are you, how many sexual partners have you had to date, and do you really need to have a few ( or a load ) more before you will be truly ready to commit to just the one woman for the rest of.... ???
I think Q's point is - maybe you 'strayed' a year ago because of your ( typical man's) need to 'spread the seed' - and if that desire / need is still unsatisfied then maybe you should honestly break up with her - or request a two or so year 'time out' period when you can enjoy other relationships / NSA sex, whatever.
If you haven't had lots of experiences ( but maybe you have ) how can you be so sure that she is 'the One' ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Nope the guilt will eat you up. I hope you aren't still in contact with the woman you slept with.
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A
female
reader, IstillLoveU  +, writes (28 July 2010):
I think it's best to keep it for yourself. Maybe it's a bit selfish, but I think you will lose her if you tell her..
I know, that if my fiance cheated on me, I would leave him, without a doubt... dont tell her. just forgive yourself. don't live with a regret, because it has happend, and there really isn't anything you can do to change it. so why suffer? you made a mistake.. accept it, and let it go. - dont tell her.
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